5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

@HotChocWithCream. Gosh, I hope you don't teach my child.

This is awful. I would probably lie to DS and say he couldn't go because you had to do that errand/ take the hit and say you forgot, just to spare his feelings. And then organise something exciting for after school this week

@HotChocWithCream. Gosh, I hope you don't teach my child.

Now who is bullying? It is tiresome when people don't follow the mn standard script how some react.

Yanbu at all OP, your poor son that is really shitty.

I think I would ask the parents of the birthday kids. I wouldn't be rude but I'd just ask and if they confirm it was deliberate I would explain how upsetting it is for you son and leave it there. TBH I would be surprised if everyone was invited but your child.
My kids school would give out reminders that unless parties were whole class parties or all boy or all girl then invites could not be handed out at school.

I'm all for inviting who you want to a party but why cause upset if you don't want to.

My kids have all been in classes with kids who have adhd or similar and while they knew it wasn't the kids fault I know it could be extremely difficult for them too. All my kids were very passive and quiet which meant that teachers always wanted to sit them next to the kids who were deemed 'disruptive' and because they were nice kids they hated complaining. It was awkward, unfair and I felt sorry for everyone involved.

With birthdays we either did everyone or just a handful with the invitees sworn to secrecy. I would have hated to have caused any upset to anyone.

I know the feeling! My son is 4, last year at pre-school there were five parties where everyone apart my son was invited. I only know as pre-school used to pin up the invites so you could grab yours at pickup. So far it has happened twice in reception, but the parties are for people he went to pre-school with, hopefully it will be different with the children who are new to the school.

He is quite quiet and shy, he is very well behaved and plays fairly nicely for his age. Despite not bothering to invite him when he had a whole class birthday party in the June everyone rsvp’d and attended.

Is it possible that as the party was joint, the children responding to coming, was tricky to manage. Ie, both parents numbers in invite and therefore the party parents both assumed you had contacted the other parent, so didn’t think to ask you directly.
It can be stressful organising a kids party so the fact that you hadn’t responded may not have been as obvious as you think.
When my son is coming out of class, he’s so gormlous, coat dropping, forgotten lunch box, drawings dropping out of his hands. Your son may have simply misplaced the invite, especially if he’s spirited, bouncing around the classroom.
I would just say to the mothers when you see them both, ‘my goodness, I’m so sorry, I’ve just learned about the party and I feel so bad for us not coming or not responding. You must both think me so rude. My son must have dropped his invite before he’d even left the classroom as I didn’t even see it.
later when I collect him after school he’s going to be so upset he’s the only one who missed the party.’
You’ll tell be their reaction if it was deliberate or not.
At least you’ll know for sure.

No excuse for this at all. I really feel for you and your son op. It’s a really shitty thing to do....and just another example of crap “school mum” behaviour.

There are some incredibly ignorant attitudes in here.
Kids can model their parents. If parents are leaving the ‘adhd’ child out, what message do you think that’s giving to your own children?
Some of you mentioned about disruption to the party. All kids can be disruptive, have tantrums, be rude, push shove, be spiteful. These are not traits limited to children with ADHD or any disability for that matter.
My son is still going through the process of diagnosis of something, yet he is an absolute treasure at any party. He’s stimulated, happy and just bounces away in his own little world. Other children can be really boystrous , thoughtless, tantrums. It’s all normal behaviour.
All my children have always invited the whole class if they have had a party.

I never had a whole class party, but I always had them at home. Think that’s probably the solution: don’t set up this situation.

Just hang in there, this should never have to be an issue... at the very least he should have been invited or the parents should voice their concerns so you can have a constructive dialogue. Speak to them...some good might come out of it.

It is a shitty thing to do. If he was violent then it may be more understandable but he isn't.

Maybe they had concerns around managing his behaviour but they should, at least, have spoken to you.

@WheelDecide
Hot chocolate is a teacher and has understandably dealt with many adhd students, she has given the understanding of the other side, she hasn’t said anything untoward or false.

Birthday parties can be expensive, especially whole class ones- There is sadly, a potential for a child with adhd to ruin the whole party with their behaviour, would I invite the child? Yes- so long as the child’s behaviour didn’t scare my child (It probably would) but I wouldn’t leave them out either.

I’d either do no party or invite only half the children.

It isn’t fair to leave a child out, but the parents concerns are legitimate- they’ve just mishandled the situation and left out one child from the whole class party, it isn’t ok.

@HotChocWithCream I totally get the point you were trying to make in your original post, but it’s kind of blunt, sort of like ‘OP of course parents and children don’t want your disruptive child around’. I imagine that doesn’t make the OP feel great.

As a teacher, I push the point that behaving appropriately is something we learn, just like reading and writing...and some of us are really good at it and some of us are still learning and need help. My classes are generally very sympathetic to behavioural difficulties and do what they can to help each other. In recent years, they have all been very inclusive of one another when it comes to parties, etc.

Someone else mentioned their child always being hit by one boy, but the parents and teachers being unaware....instead of just not inviting him to a whole class party, why on earth wouldn’t you speak to the parent or teacher to have the problem resolved?!?

It's really sad for your ds being the only one left out BUT you need to consider the other side of this. Are the other 2 birthday kids friends with him? has he done anything to them?
Would he have been able to cope or behave at the party?
I'm all for inclusion however my child feelings are my priority. I would never expect/make them be friends with anyone they dont like. I would never force this on their birthday especially.

I understand why you're upset, I think if they weren't going to invite the whole class they should have invited a smaller number.

However it depends on his behavior. Just because it isn't his choice doesn't mean it isn't upsetting the other kids. Maybe there's some upset you don't know about. Or birthday girl /boy may have said they don't want him there.

I'd ask the mother when you see her and find out. You might have actually missed the invite... Or she might tell you a reason

They don’t always talk about it at school by the way as am super vigilant for this too

It happens and its really horrible when it
Does

I would forgot about the party for the moment and focus on talking to teacher and really understanding how it plays out in class . Warts and all . How is he behaving and getting a better idea of how his behaviour is . Then explore strategies to support
Him in and out of school
The all class
Parties won’t be forever but he will be at school for a Long time so explore advice to make his path easier

As for the women , keep a cool polite distance for a while

Re hotchoc comments

There is NO class or school
Without a disruptive child
Or a disabled child
Or a ASD child
Or an angry child
Or a child with behavioural issues due to abuse at home

Part of education is dealing and living with different characters surely ?

It’s good for kids to learn young that people
Are diverse and different

I'm so sorry your son has been excluded from the party. Most classes have children who are more of a handful than others, adhd or not. But life and growing up is about understanding, tolerance and acceptance. But what has shocked and upset me most from this post is the reply from @HotChocWithCream - a teacher! Someone who should be sharing the tolerance messages and teaching her pupils that we are all different and that's what makes the world a more interesting place.

If you can keep him off school today, I would, and I would be telling school the situation and asking them to put a plan in place for when he comes back on Tuesday.

This happened to my DS when he was 7 - at that age he was the most gentle, studious and sweet child you could imagine. It was awful.

If could bear it, and you are very good friends with the mothers, I might be inclined to message them to say that you would always be happy to stay and supervise your DS at parties and playdates.

We did also have a situation where a boy (awaiting ADHD and ASD) diagnosis was very violent repeatedly towards my son. One incident was particular bad - injuries to the face. The mother wasn't engaged. I had already invited him to a whole class party and did think about asking her to withdraw him. I decided to ask more adults from our family to come and help so he could have adequate supervision. It was a tough call as my DS was starting to experience quite severe anxiety and school refusal because of the boy. There is always some sort of solution though.

My son has problems with a child in his class. From what I can gather he can be quite disruptive and has hit my son a few times. We certainly wouldn’t invite him to a party but we wouldn’t exclude only him either, that’s bloody cruel! They’re still so young. Someone in my son’s class did exactly that last year. My son came out telling me everyone had been invited except X. I thought it was awful. Thankfully we couldn’t make it and I hope others couldn’t too so at least he wasn’t the only one not going.

How could anyone deliberately exclude a 5 year old child, even if that child is disruptive in class. They’re so little still

I felt awful for that boy in my son’s class so I can’t imagine how you are feeling for your son, op. (By the way i’m not saying your child is disruptive)

worried so your ds was hit repeatedly and developing anxiety and you still had this boy at his party? your poor ds.

There is a child in my son's class who throws chairs, hits TA's, punched my DS1 in the face, very violent nature.

So now we always have small parties to avoid this type of situation. 10 kids maximum so no issues on either side.

Also I don't post it on social media so no one knows who those children that have been included are.

I know how you feel - I had the same with DS. Was very open with the parents in DS class about his diagnosis - he wasn't naughty just energetic. One mum (who as a teacher!) told her DS not to play with my DS and would always be looking to see what DS was doing & would loudly point out that he was out of control in the playground (he never was - they were playing tag!).

She made life difficult for my DS by bitching about him to other parents and telling them horror stories of ADHD children she has taught. Party invites, play dates etc. dried up. It was hard.

I wasn't sure about medication as I was concerned it might change DS's personality. A good friend told me that i didn't have to justify why I was medicating my child but that one day I might have to justify to him why i didn't. She also said that I could just tstop if i didnt like how it affected him.

We decided t medicate. There have been a few ups and downs finding what worked for DS but we haven't looked back. We tend to have med free days at weekends but during the week he is able to concentrate at school & access the curriculum.

This has somewhat put the nose out of joint of the parent to tried to ostracize my son. She has been pushing to get my DS & her DS to be friends as my DS is recognised as one of the most academic kids in his year & finished reading the Harry Potter books when he was 8.(absolute proud mummy boast !!)

My DS does like her DS so I'm happy for them to be friends but it takes every ounce of restraint not to pull her up on her previous behaviour. What good would it do?

They are now in secondary school. My DS is flying as he loves the academic challenges. Is seen by his new form (who don't know about his ADHD) as one of the funniest, kindest & most popular kids in class according to his form teacher.

OP - there will always be others looking to make themselves (or their kids) look/feel better on the back of someone else. The right medication worked for us but may not be right for all. Worth a try though & remember it can be a bit like kissing a frog to get it right!

As a parent of a disruptive child(ren) we would have been more than happy to accompany them to provide additional supervision and prevent difficulties rather than them being left out. Perhaps when planning to exclude the disruptive child other parents could think of alternative solutions like this to avoid incident but still be inclusive.

I guess the question is, by talking to the mother, is it going to make any difference to what has been done and whether it will make any difference in the future?

Ultimately, they will do what they want to be honest. They could make all the right noises to you, but will possibly not change what they do.