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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is sleeping with 4 people in a month a bit much?

450 replies

holdtheladdersteady · 06/10/2019 20:45

Am I just an old prude?

Is sleeping with 4 different people in a month a bit...I don’t know...grim?

I just found this out about someone and it makes me feel a bit sick. AIBU?

OP posts:
Doormat247 · 07/10/2019 17:04

@benes my issue with it is that people ARE being lied to. In my experience, of those that are having casual sex or casual dating, few of them are being honest about who else they are sleeping with. This was made clear by the OP that this has happened in her case too.
Obviously it needs to be consensual, 'safe' isn't really 100% as stated in my post - diseases can be caught even when using condoms - I know because I fucking caught one. I found out when I'd just started dating my current partner and had to go through the embarrassment of telling him I had an STI (luckily he was amazing about it all despite barely knowing me). When I asked the clinic about his possible infection they just laughed and said 'well that's his problem when or if he develops it too and you should just deny you gave it to him'. Attitudes like this tend to come from the type of people who are happy to fuck around and not bother about the consequences.

If everyone is told in full about the real situation and have the choice to still sleep with that person after knowing the risk, then that's fine.

My DP works with a group of blokes who are constantly cheating on their partners and the singles are shagging around with no real protection in place - the latest cheat found out he fucked a 15yr old (unprotected) as he'd assumed she was older but never even asked. He's still sleeping with his partner unprotected as he's 'hoping it'll be fine'. Of course they all say they're single on a night out and that they've had the all clear recently from the clinic. It's all utter bullshit but the other people involved can only choose whether or not to believe that person and take the risk.

GreytExpectations · 07/10/2019 17:09

The OP was quite vague and hasn't been back on the thread to clarify any of the questions. It seems like this thread has done exactly what the OP wanted.

Benes · 07/10/2019 17:27

doormat I can see how your personal experiences have tainted your view of casual sex but you shouldn't tar everyone with the same brush.

My experience is completely different. I have always been honest about my sexual partners - I've never lied to anyone about who I'm sleeping with or have slept with. I've only ever had unprotected sex with my husband. Interestingly, the vast majority of my casual encounters were through a specific hook up site where people were very honest and upfront. Boundaries were set from the outset and there was a huge level of respect.

Don't assume everyone who engages in casual sex has low morals or is disease ridden.

Ponoka7 · 07/10/2019 17:45

@fikel, my girls have been brought up in a household and wider family that didn't do slut shaming, or put judgment on how much sex someone has had. However how people treat each other is judge worthy.

My eldest DD is 34, my middle one in her 20's. My eldest split with her DP at 31. My middle DD came put of an abusive relationship.

My advice to both of them was to enjoy themselves for a bit. My eldest doesn't want children. I advised her to make the most of her 30's, it's a fantastic time, if you aren't hung up on conceiving. She did and then her and her DP got back together.

I was Widowed and didn't want another relationship. I decided i wanted to expand my sex life. I got into threesomes/group (always with men). I safely did that by finding someone i could trust to bring someone with him. I had a great time. I was never abused/insulted/caught an STI.

Then got sucked into an abusive relationship, mainly because everyone around me was telling me that, a relationship should be what I want.

I then lost my sex drive thanks to the Menopause. I've switched HRT and it's coming back.

If i start up a sex life again, it will be another fuck buddy(s?), deal.

I don't want my sex life to get in the way of any other part of my life, so as for my family finding out, it's non of their business and wouldn't hesitate to tell them that. I don't want to know about theirs either. Or people around me.

I know a lot pf older women are now questioning how they used to view sex. Relationships with older men tend to be a bit shit. So why saddle yourself when all you want is a ride.

As for those saying they wouldn't have the same values around sex and relationships, they are two separate things. I was married for twenty two years and I'd hold the quality of our relationship up to anyone's. I've lived long enough to know that you can't judge how someone will conduct a relationship based on how they view sex.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/10/2019 18:25

Angel, I think you really would benefit from some therapy. It's possible (as this sort of thing is not uncommon) that your previous abusive encounters have screwed up your radar so badly that either you are drawn to abusive men or they are drawn to you: people who have been abused can find potentially abusive people more attractive. they seem more 'exciting', or there's just something comfortingly familiar about their behaviour.

GADA9215 · 07/10/2019 18:27

If it’s safe (condom) consensual sex I don’t see the problem. It’s a bit much for most but it doesn’t make someone a bad person maybe just a bit insecure or needy. Idk..

GADA9215 · 07/10/2019 18:28

Oh I just seen it’s your man. Then I completely understand your concern, sorry!

shadesofgreytoo · 07/10/2019 18:31

I would be careful of the HPV virus which can be transferred very easily even when practicing safe sex. Having treatment at a later stage is awful

littlemeitslyn · 07/10/2019 19:09

Why do you care what a bunch of strangers think???

GreytExpectations · 07/10/2019 19:25

Don't assume everyone who engages in casual sex has low morals or is disease ridden.

I feel like this needs to be said a lot more on this thread!

FenellaVelour · 07/10/2019 20:52

Now I'm just hanging around because I'm invested in @wereeaglesdare s answer to the user name question. Kinda feel like maybe it's being ignored

Is a wereeagle like a werewolf, only with feathers? I imagine it’s more efficient to hunt your prey if you can fly.

It’s sad how many people are so judgemental of other women on this thread just because they don’t share the same attitude towards sex, it’s absolutely fine to say “oh no, that’s not for me, I couldn’t do that” but another thing entirely to say it’s dirty or grim.

holdtheladdersteady · 07/10/2019 21:14

@GreytExpectations The OP was quite vague and hasn't been back on the thread to clarify any of the questions. It seems like this thread has done exactly what the OP wanted

Eh? What questions do you want me to answer? I didn’t feel it necessary to comment on the past few pages where posters were talking amongst themselves.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 07/10/2019 22:24

Forget all the sniping what are you going to do moving forward OP? Have you ditched him and booked in for an sti check.

He sounds like he's been sticking it everywhere which presumably is not your cup of tea?

holdtheladdersteady · 07/10/2019 22:26

Yes, I’ve ended it. We both had an STI check recently, so hoping no need for another but will probably do one anyway.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 07/10/2019 22:35

I would be careful of the HPV virus which can be transferred very easily even when practicing safe sex.

Good advice. How is one careful of it then? Duck....or something?

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/10/2019 16:36

@shadesofgreytoo pretty much everyone in the UK has HPV, it’s basically unavoidable. Not really something worth worrying about

angell84 · 08/10/2019 17:48

I was reading this spiritual book the other day. It said, "if people knew how much energy was shared between people, they would be very careful anout who they have sex with."

I really think this about sex, that we should be careful who we have sex with. We take on their energy.

I remember having sex with , what turned out to be - a nasty spanish guy.

I happened to have taken a selfie the day before and the day after because Inwas on holiday.

I looked at the photo of me the day before , I was glowing , happy, I remember feeling really happy and energetic.

I looked at the photo of me the day after - I looked like a shell of a person, really sad, grey. I felt awful. I really feel like he took my energy.

We know the physical side of sex, that some lne else is physically inside your body. I also think that there are a lot of energetic aspects too.

angell84 · 08/10/2019 17:50

The full quote from the book was,

"If people knew how much energy was shared between two people when they have sex,
they would be very careful about who they have sex with".

Benes · 08/10/2019 18:05

That's down to personal experience though Angell. The sexual encounters I've had have left me feeling empowered and confident.

I'm not a very spiritual person though....more live for the moment/life is too short type of person.

shadesofgreytoo · 08/10/2019 18:07

Then why are they vaccinating girls in Y8? It is something to worry about and the treatment is not comfortable.

It is so contagious

Benes · 08/10/2019 18:09

Oh and I'm still very careful about who I have sex with. Casual sex doesn't necessarily mean indiscriminate sex.

shadesofgreytoo · 08/10/2019 18:10

www.jostrust.org.uk/information/hpv

This is worth looking at.

I've had a horrible experience so I'm trying to raise awareness

whatisthismess · 08/10/2019 18:13

I slept with 4 people in one week in my younger days. I was very wild and don't regret it, I had a lot of fun.

It doesn't matter as long as no one is getting hurt IMO

angell84 · 08/10/2019 18:21

@Benes I have had some like that too. And as I said I have had some encounters with masty,violent men.

You can't control what the guy will be like when you are with them, that is what scares me and annoys me about one night stands.

And I know it hasn't only happened to me. I know of friends who have been pushed into doing stuff they don't want to. If you look up "tinder rape cases" - there are loads ands loads of stories.

We have to be aware that this side of casual sex does exist.

Benes · 08/10/2019 18:24

I understand that Angell but we should also acknowledge that not all casual sex is seedy, violent or likely to lead to rape.