Is sleeping with 4 people in a month a bit much?

[holdtheladdersteady]

Am I just an old prude?

Is sleeping with 4 different people in a month a bit...I don’t know...grim?

I just found this out about someone and it makes me feel a bit sick. AIBU?

@angell84 yikes, how do you even know about this stuff?

I refute whatever point you're trying to make however, in that this is one man doing it for commercial/sadistic gain.

There are thousands of other men who don't clandestinely film people, I'm one of them.

I think you're basing your ideas on casual sex on whatever horror story the Mail / online forums has focused on. It's like me saying to a friend "I'll never use Airbnb because I've read stories about hidden cameras/cleaning fee scams" etc. Those fringe experiences that tend to make the headlines, do not in themselves invalidate the entire platform

@GinDaddy I don't want a relationship to have sex.

I would love to have respectful, satisfying sex with men. But how do I know that they will treat me like that

I am very aware of the risks.

@GinDaddy it is not just things that I have read.

It is one night stands that I have had myself - where the men physically wanted to hurt me.

The last time That I had a one night stand. I was in Spain, and I was hanging around with a woman who was very much into having lots of sex with lots of different people.

I like dating different people, getting to know them, not having sex straight away.

She made me feel like I was stupid and a prude by not having sex with strangers. So I decided to have a one night stand with a spanish man.

He hit me and he left me bruised.

I realised that I should have trusted my own gut instincts, and never get pushed into doing what anyone else says is the cool thing to do

Angell84 - It seems you had a really bad experience with a one night stand. I've had a few across my life (all during periods where I was single, I used protection). They've always been exactly as advertised - sex with someone once (or possibly with repeat performances where it was worth the effort!). The guys in question were always respectful of my boundaries and person. I've never been physically assaulted. I've never been secretly filmed (or at least I was I didn't know!)

Some one night stands were met in bars, some on hook up sites. I've also been married (and was faithful for the full 14 year duration of our relationship, as was he) and had a 6 month FWB where we both saw other people. Different "relationships" for different phases of my life.

If one night stands aren't for you that is fine but all men are not creeps and all women who choose casual sex are not in any way damaged or expecting / accepting direspect.

I agree at @cath2907, women who want casual sex are not damaged.

There are risks out there. There are hundreds and hundreds of Tinder rape cases.

There are so many stories in the news of women having casual sex , and the man leaving her bruised, making her do things.

There are risks involved. I would just rather keep myself safe.

Was this before or after you started a serious relationship? If he has cheated on you with 3 other women in a short space of time, I wouldn't blame you for going through the roof, and would definitely advise you to LTB! However, if it was before you got seriously together, and he's been faithful to you ever since, then I don't think it's a big deal (provided he used protection, and provided that he wasn't cheating on a serious relationship with one or more of the other women).

angell84

Women being raped and physically assaulted also happens in relationships.

It's your relationship so it works however you want it to work; other women's boundaries shouldn't come into it.
If you don't agree with what he did then end the relationship with him.

The OP seems to have been fine that her DP was apparently sleeping with his ex and her at the same time as she has stayed with him for 18 months.

She has only just found out.

I would love to have respectful, satisfying sex with men. But how do I know that they will treat me like that

IME most do. I've slept with over a hundred men. Many in casual arrangements, some ons. The only time I've been disrespected has been in a "loving" committed relationship.

Your arguments are too extreme. Everything has risks but there is a lot of violence in relationships as well as outside them, yet people somehow seem to think relationships make everything safe?

You're no safer treating sex as a sacred mystical thing and demanding that men prove they 'want commitment' before dropping your knickers. Some men will see that sort of attitude as a challenge, promise you everything you ask for until you've actually let them have sex with you, at which point they will vanish. Having a misty-eyed sentimental, romantic view of sex can actually put you at more risk, either of hurt feelings because of the 'winning the game' type men, or actual abuse because you're too over-invested in Keeping Your Man to tell a dodgy one to fuck off.

And I think it's much better than people now have a proper conversation before deciding to go in for monogamy. Not everyone likes or wants monogamy, and it's both stupid and fairly unethical to assume anything about sex without asking.

@GidgetGirl really intrigued by this As for partners with a promiscuous history - I LOVE that my DP has been around the block. And god knows he really has.. He’s a handsome, charming man - I find it exciting that he’s been so in-demand throughout his life

Can you explain why? No judgement, just really interested in that perspective.

@slashlover @VanGoghsDog yes women are also raped and assaulted in relationships.

So what is the answer. Stay away from men altogether then? It is interesting for me to see that you @vangoghsdog have been with ober a hundren men and none have treated you badly. How did you do it? Am I just unlucky.

I am thinking that - the majority of my sexual experiences have been bad.

My long term relationship 1 - he would not take no for an answer and would force me into having sex

My long term relationship 2 - he only cared about his pleasure - was incredible selfish.

Then thinking about six one night stands at random:

1st guy - okay.
2nd guy - it was really good, and then he ruined it, by calling me a slut straight afterwards and demanding that I tell him how many men I had sex with
3rd guy - it was good , but he called me a slut afterwards - humiliated me.
4th guy - much bigger than me - I told him thst I didn't want to do things, he physically made me do them
5th guy - sexually assaulted me
6th guy - bruised me

After the last guy who bruised me - I said that I am never putting myself in that situation again.

Some people cannot resist merailing entire threads.

It does seem like you've been unlucky angell
I've never had a man call me a slut or force me to so something i wasn't comfortable with. The only one that came close was my ex-husband and I obviously knew him well enough to marry him!

@timshelthechoice lol. I think that casual sex had been the topic for the entire thread.

Is everyone's post with their opinion - a merail then?

Haha @benes :)

Do you do anything to judge a guys's character before you have sex with them?

Or just go with your gut instinct? I really want to choose better

angell most of my casual hook up's have been found through specific hook-up sites and I chose these sites because they put a lot of effort into verifying their members and they're run by women. They're very clear about women being in control and there are strict rules about how men can interact with women which i think puts off those just looking for an easy shag with just anyone......I used them for years and never had a bad experience and met some wonderful people.( both men and women)

Other experiences have been with people I knew and the friendship developed into FWB scenario.

Also, i've never been into 'bad boys'. I expect to be treated well and any hint of misogyny i'm out.

@NotForEverydayUse I’ve had partners who were not particularly experienced in the past, but generally I’ve always had a preference for those who were.

My DP is probably the most sexually experienced partner I’ve ever had. It’s partly down to his job, as a performer, and although he’s now in his late 50s he was getting a lot of female attention from his late teens onwards. He’s had far more opportunity than most men anyway, and he acted on it more than most. I like this for a few reasons - partly because it makes me feel lucky. I’ve got this handsome, charming, desirable partner, and he’s chosen to spend his life with me rather than anyone else. I meet the occasional doe-eyed ex at his gigs and that never bothers me either. Again, I quite like it, and most of the ones I’ve met seem like attractive, charming women. I find the concept of him having had lots and lots of past partners both emotionally and sexually appealing.

It’s not for everyone, but nothing is. I might feel differently if I was less experienced myself, but although I’m quite a bit younger than him, I’ve certainly had a wonderful, liberated time in the past..

It is interesting for me to see that you @vangoghsdog have been with ober a hundren men and none have treated you badly. How did you do it?

Well, I never said none treated me badly, just that it only happened in a relationship. My last long term bf forced me to have sex, technically raped me, twice. But, he's an ex.

I suspect it's an issue of judgement but it's not true to say that I have good judgment and someone else doesn't, more that I'm actually horribly cynical and suspect all men so am very choosy.

When I was engaging in regular casual sex I met them in the local pub to me and took them back to mine. No way for them to film. The pub knew me and I always called the landlord by his name. Any red flags at all and I just didn't take them home, I turned down way more than I took home.

I felt safer in my own home as I knew how to get in/out, knew where the phone was, knew where the knives were etc!

Angell, we've been on another thread together. Have you considered having any counseling?

@vangoghsdog I send you a really massive hug about your ex hurting you . I know that pain. I send you love. God, yeah , maybe I should get counselling. It can only do me good.

Thanks for the really interesting post on how to be safer during a one night stand. Now I think of it - most of my bad experiences have been while travelling. I travelled alot. So I was never in my own house. They are really good points, and this is a good discussion to have , with other women

Thanks for sharing that Benes. That is really interesting. That is great that those websites were run by women for women. @Benes

I understand you angel because I think the idea that women don’t want casual sex doesn’t take into account the truth that it is more potentially risky for a woman than a man to engage in casual hook ups.

Of course it’s only a tiny minority of men but it only takes a tiny minority to make lots of women feel wary.

It’s also about being blamed for inviting danger. It’s always in the back of your mind that you’ll be seen as indulging in risky behaviour and “what did you expect?” will be what people say. I call it my Daily Mail voice. It’s either saved me from danger or from a lot of fun

Oh OP, sleeping with 4 people in one month is fine to me, as long as everyone knows where they stand and protection is used.

Your boyfriend sleeping with 3 people while still with his ex girlfriend (including you), then sleeping with both you and his ex for two months??! ...that's beyond grim imo. He's cheated on you, and you still don't know if he's actually your boyfriend after 18 months??

End it, you are worth so much more than that. What a vile man.

Are we talking about a man? I don't find that unusual at all.