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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put DS before the family.

162 replies

AlphabetMummy · 06/10/2019 10:22

DS1 has servere Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, for these reasons, we decided to home school him now he has reached school age (he turns 5 in November). Whenever there is even a change of circumstances at home, big or small, it sets him back quite far. He cannot control his emotions and becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.
I believe it is in HIS best interests to stay home schooled. But a month in, and hes having a set back, increasingly more difficult, and DH is upset and can't cope with "being a constant punch bag". My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1. I mean he hits me once in a blue mood, but hits DH daily when hes in this state.
AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family? His brothers are all younger, so dont go to school yet, DH has a disability meaning he doesnt work. So sending DS1 to school would give everyone a break from him, that they dont get otherwise. But I feel that we are just giving up on him and passing the buck if we send him to school. "/
Any help or advice would be appreciated :( thanks xx

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 06/10/2019 10:24

My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1.

Change in what way?

ShiftHappens · 06/10/2019 10:27

I have a severe autistic child... I have never home schooled and couldn't (I need to work to pay the bills so staying at home is not an option and I couldn't do it mentally either) so different in that sense.

But have you looked at special schools? You talk about special school as a means of sacrificing your DS for the sake of the family. Many special schools are actually amazing and can make a huge difference to the child. He may actually be happy there and make progress too!

just a side note - but how do you make a living with homeschooling DS and DH being at home as well. Disability benefits are crap . Wouldn't it be also better for the family finances to have one parent in paid employment (I don't mean this goady).

finn1020 · 06/10/2019 10:39

I think it’s important to explore other options for your son. Partly because it’s not working well for the rest of your family and they should matter just as much as DS1, and also because you need to be able to trust that your son is able to function without you - perhaps he won’t cope quite as well in a non-homeschooled situation as he would at home with you, but what would happen if you were (say), very ill and in hospital for a few weeks.

I think it’s important for your own well being, your DPs, DS1 and your other children that you at least try something else.

It’s not abandoning him at all, it’s balancing the needs of everyone in your family. There’s nothing wrong with everyone needing a break from him, his diagnosis means extra needs and demands placed upon the family that many people wouldn’t have to think about. And a break, if you want to look at it that way allows you all to regroup and cope better in the long run instead of burning out.

MitziK · 06/10/2019 10:39

Seriously, if a disabled man is being regularly attacked, even if it by his child, rather than blame him for it, I'd be looking at having the child enrolled in suitable education, as he has a right not to be attacked as much as the child has a right to an appropriate education.

Butterymuffin · 06/10/2019 10:43

Why do you feel that sending him to school is giving up on him? Most parents accept that they can't meet all their child's educational and social needs and that's where school comes in. You say home schooling is 'in his best interests' but is it really compared to a good, suitable school?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/10/2019 10:44

How exactly do you want your DH to change? And what about the sibling that is also on the receiving end of the violence. Does he have to change as well?

whydoineedanickname · 06/10/2019 10:44

Who is doing the home schooling? If it’s your husband then surely it’s his choice. Also you say he is violent with a younger brother? Does he get a break by going to nursery or similar?

GreySheep · 06/10/2019 10:45

I agree with a pp. Without properly looking into special schools, you could actually be denying your son an amazing opportunity to thrive. It could actually be the best thing for everyone. I have friends whose child’s special school has brought them on in leaps and bounds and they can’t thank them enough. Consider it please.

WaterSheep · 06/10/2019 10:46

I think I would be looking at what the school could offer, don't just write it off. You say DP needs to change, but it's not just him as he is also targeting a younger sibling as well.

I would hate to be constantly on alert for the next attack, and at the minute DP and his younger sibling must feel on edge in their own home.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/10/2019 10:48

It's not passing the buck or giving up on a child to send them to school, it's what the vast majority of us are lucky enough to be able to do without a second thought. Even with easy to manage children, parents are often happy when term time starts again!

Putting your family as a whole first is putting your ds first. It's worth looking into special schools to at least try and find somewhere that would work for your ds. If there genuinely isn't a good alternative, then homeschooling may be what you have to do, but if there is, then it would be in all your interests to use it, especially those of your ds.

Alwaysgrey · 06/10/2019 10:49

I have two children with autism. One attends a mainstream and one a specialist school. The one attending the specialist school loves it. It’s very routine driven but with enough to keep her occupied. Holidays are hard as her older siblings are hard and routine goes out the window. Your son is 5 and has younger siblings who to him are probably quite chaotic. You might find a specialist school with routine really helps. Does he have an ehcp? I’d definitely look at a Sen school. If he does a year and it doesn’t work you review but it sounds stressful for you all at the moment.

campion · 06/10/2019 10:50

You may find that his behaviour actually improves in a setting geared to his needs,with a range of experienced teachers and therapists.

If there's a place available - obviously he has a right to an appropriate education so there has to be a place somewhere - then you can't sacrifice the health and well being of your whole family for the sake of your DS.

If he's like this at 5,how do you think it's going to be a few years down the line when he's bigger and stronger? Seriously, start looking for a school which deals with children with his needs.

ibanez0815 · 06/10/2019 10:51

how do you homeschool? DH is at home. I suppose there are younger siblings at home. basically it is a full house. How can you effectively home school in these circumstances?

who is doing the household and the younger DC whilst you home school? I guess your DH won't be able to do this if he is too disabled to work. The whole set up just sounds mind boggling and chaotic.

Have you looked at SS? many are great and your DS1 might thrive in there. I couldn't image how a child with severe ASD can be effectively home schooled with younger siblings and a disabled dad whom he doesn't seemingly cope with at home.

Is there a reason why you don't consider a SS?

MollyButton · 06/10/2019 10:54

You need to ask to be assessed for a EHCP if you don't have one already. Then go and look around at possible special schools - including independent ones. There are some wonderful ones out there.

If your son doesn't "improve" then longer term is he always going to need to be supported? Getting him to learn to cope in different environments is one of the biggest things you need to teach him, and going to special school could well be part of this.

Behaviour is communication - so may be your DS needs a break from his Father? School could provide this.

MT2017 · 06/10/2019 10:58

You don't seem terribly bothered your DH is on the receiving end.

What if it was one of your other children who was being attacked? Would you still want to homeschool DS then?

Spanglebangle · 06/10/2019 10:59

You have tried home schooling and it obviously isn't working. He cannot possibly be learning anything in an environment where he feels he has to lash out and attack people. Assuming he has an ehcp he should be in a special school where he can learn to control his outbursts and work with specialists to develop self monitoring and communication skills.
These specialists won't just work with him at school they can also work with you at home to improve life for everybody. Surely that is what is in his best interests.

MT2017 · 06/10/2019 10:59

Just reread and he is violent with his brother as well...

TimeforanotherChange · 06/10/2019 10:59

I'm very sorry, but what absolutely stood out for me in your post was that he is violent towards your DH and one of his brothers.

You then go on to say that they are all younger than 5. This is utterly heartbreaking. I understand that you love your DS and feel his needs should come first - but what about your other little boy who is trapped at home, with a violent older brother? His life must be terrifying and miserable - because it's clear this happens fairly regularly.

You cannot allow this to keep happening. Please investigate other options. You have a duty to keep your other children from being abused.

WaterSheep · 06/10/2019 10:59

MT2017 One of the other children is being attacked

becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.

WaterSheep · 06/10/2019 11:00

Crossed posted with you there MT

Butchyrestingface · 06/10/2019 11:01

Is your husband the home schooling teacher whilst you work, @AlphabetMummy?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/10/2019 11:03

Difficult as this must be for you, your disabled husband has become a punch bag and this absolutely cannot continue. How would this work when ds is bigger and stronger?

Ds needs better management of his behaviour from professionals, and dh deserves to live free from violence.

Hesafriendfromwork · 06/10/2019 11:03

And what about him attacking the other child?

It's not about putting ds in front of the family. Its putting one child in front of the other.

Its not always that home schooling is the best idea. For the other kids or for the child in question.

Celebelly · 06/10/2019 11:08

Is there any actual schooling going on? Or is it just a way of saying that he stays at home and doesn't go to a school? If the latter, which I suspect is probably the case for a lot of 'home-schooled' children, then a specialist school will most likely be far better for him as he will actually be learning in an environment where his teachers are actually specially trained in how to help him learn and develop.

DriftingLeaves · 06/10/2019 11:08

Have you asked for support from anywhere. His violence towards a younger sibling is very concerning.

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