To put DS before the family.

[AlphabetMummy]

DS1 has servere Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, for these reasons, we decided to home school him now he has reached school age (he turns 5 in November). Whenever there is even a change of circumstances at home, big or small, it sets him back quite far. He cannot control his emotions and becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.
I believe it is in HIS best interests to stay home schooled. But a month in, and hes having a set back, increasingly more difficult, and DH is upset and can't cope with "being a constant punch bag". My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1. I mean he hits me once in a blue mood, but hits DH daily when hes in this state.
AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family? His brothers are all younger, so dont go to school yet, DH has a disability meaning he doesnt work. So sending DS1 to school would give everyone a break from him, that they dont get otherwise. But I feel that we are just giving up on him and passing the buck if we send him to school. "/
Any help or advice would be appreciated :( thanks xx

And apply for an ehcp now.

Who are you homeschooling for because it seems like it’s about what you want not necessarily what is best for everyone in the situation.

I am contemplating homeschooling Ds who has autism and other disabilities for secondary education unless I can find the right setting to support him. However that will only happen if after a lot of research I believe it is best for him.

It sounds like your current situation is putting a lot of strain on everyone and actually nobody is benefiting from it.

I have 2 DC with severe Autism. Both have had violent outbursts at times. No fucking way would they be allowed to rule the house like this.

Kids need boundaries, your son has none. This will massively impact everyone but mainly him when he's bigger than you are.......my son is now 6ft 3. A huge hulk of a lad, his last violent outburst was over 2 years ago, we manage his environment to a degree because the risk is always there but the onus is on him to try too. That was instilled from toddler age, he remained non verbal and in nappies until he was five but he still had expectations regarding behaviour.

And as for your poor husband 😳 words fail me, they really do.

If you have a new baby on the way, it seems almost impossible to be able to look after your DH and care for four children under 5, including homeschooling one with SN. It sounds like chaos. I think you need to start looking at what can be done ASAP as I don't see how the current way of life is feasible now, let alone with a newborn baby in the mix You are stretching yourself way too thin.

OP it just sounds like you are (understandably) very protective of your eldest.

But actually arent helping him or the rest of your family.

Well this just all sounds like chaos.

I’m baffled that you have four (?) children under five with a disabled husband and not a paying job between you.

And school brings routine which our children thrive on. It's where he needs to be. Keeping him at home is selfish and won't help anyone.

I think going to visit some schools would be a great first step.I volunteered in a specialist school and the facilities were amazing as were the staff. It was the opposite of the stressful environment you're enduring at home.
I'd also consider nursery for your other DC if you can get a funded place. It sounds as though your entire family would benefit from a quieter, less hectic home.

Reading your comments you have a child who you feel e tea protective of.

My child has sn’s And I know one day I won’t be here , and the world will not change because of the parts he finds challenging. So we do what we have to he wears ear defenders to help him because the world is not going to get quieter for example.

I think though the whole family would benefit. If ss works could be fantastic for him , toddler like all toddler wants attention but would get more and maybe more for positive behaviour , dh could get some rest and may actually be more patient with Ds.

Statements no longer exist

yes, they do. In Wales they still have them (no EHCPs there (yet?))

how long ago did you apply. A Statement of Sen should be finalised within 26 week.

Why didn’t he get an assessment when he was at nursery?

My child has very mild issues compared to your son and he was referred at 3 and diagnosed at 3.5, long before starting school.

How odd that Your child is 5 in a few weeks ! Isn’t he already school age in England ?

yes, they do. In Wales they still have them

Ah, my apologies. Are you in Wales, OP?

@AlphabetMummy, I would be very worried about YOU if you carry on taking all that responsibility in you r shoulders all on your own.
I just don’t think it’s humanly possible to look well after 3 children be a full time carer for your DH and look full time after a child with severe SN.

It is quite possible that your DH is struggling to not shout because actually the whole thing is too much for him BECAUSE he never gets a break either.
It is also likely that you won’t cope in the long run and be able to meet the needs of everybody, let alone meeting your own needs.
If you don’t end up burnt out/breaking down/ill due to the sheer amount of energy your I’ve spent looming after everyone, what good will it do to your ds1?

You really need to step back a bit. The needs of you ur ds1 are at the forefront of your mind. With good reasons. But you cannot look at his needs wo taking other people needs into account too, incl your need for some time off to recharge yourself ur batteries.
Don’t wait 7htil you are at breaking point/breaking to do so.

My advice would be to start involving all the people involved in your ds care. His paediatrician, any team involved with his speech, OT whatever. Talk to them about the short term and medium term future for your ds1. Talk to them about your worries (such as the issue with the nappy) and ask them in which way a special school coud be beneficial to your ds1 vs homeschooling. Maybe go and visit one of those schools and talk to them too.
Have a look on the SN section/thread in MN, they are full of advice on how to get appropriate support.
And find ways to get respite, any respite you can, for yourself and for your other dcs (who will need that just as badly, to have break but also to be able to some attention from you in a calm environment).

The fact you have the best intentions for your ds1 and wants to protect him/the best for him is clear.
I just think you are missing important bits of information on how to achieve that.

It sounds like you have a lot to do already without trying to fit in homeschool.

Due to your DH being disabled as well as your DS1 I'd ask for an assessment from SS for respite and carers. By law they must do this and although they'll avoid it you can google CONTACT who have excellent advice and template letters.

Both your children are technically young carers (especially the youngest) and there is ample support out there if you fight (sadly).

Lots of special schools are really good and will always welcome you for a visit and answer any questions.
There's no harm is looking around and seeing if any are suitable for DS.

Or very out of date? Many people still haven't caught up. So many unacceptable words were in common use years ago.

Exactly. Ignorant. When I grew up it was in common usage. It isn’t now so I do it use it. It isn’t difficult to catch up. “In my day” is never a good excuse to be ignorant.

I’m baffled that you have four (?) children under five with a disabled husband and not a paying job between you.

Then perhaps you should try a little harder to gain some understanding.

I’m baffled that you have four (?) children under five with a disabled husband and not a paying job between you.

The OP has a disabled child and a disabled husband. I’m assuming (hoping) she is in receipt of carers allowance and the family are claiming everything they’re entitled to.

OP, my son who has ASD and ADHD has been to 2 special needs schools and both have been staffed with the most amazing and dedicated staff you could want. Toileting problems aren’t an issue in special school- many children are in nappies.

I totally understand why you are so protective over your eldest but educating him at home isn’t working by the sound of it. And the rest of your family need you too.

To directly answer your question YES... YABU to put your DS before the rest of your family.

Your D has his own health issues... yet you want him to change, whilst also saying He gets stressed very easily and doesn't overly understand DS diagnosis, just this morning he called DS a sodbag for hitting him. Like hes doing it deliberately. So, because your DH, who is in pain anyway, gets angry when subjected to physical attack by his DS you don't think he understands ? I'd probably give him a medal for being restrained enough not to be absolutely apoplectic with rage...

it is a big thing for me to let someone else change him. Why? What is it about that that is difficult for you? Not his meltdowns, as he will have them anyway, for a variety of reasons. Is it more a you thing than one for your DS?

Anecdotally, I have long supported a good friend whose son was refused any help due to a rather stange set of circumstances, heavily influenced by a specialist who refused to concede there were any issues. After home schooling him for almost a decade she finally got a breakthrough and he was accepted into a specialist school.

Within months that non verbal, angry, aggressive, nigh on terrified of everything child blossomed. He has now passed some GCSEs, has a part time jop and is looking at apprenticeships or a supported university course - about 200 miles away from home!

Not saying any of that is going to be possible in your case but, as many others will probably say, for some kids with all levels of autism etc going to school can be both terrifying and the making of them. You should give it another thought and see how your family as a whole respond to a new routine!

I’m baffled that you have four (?) children under five with a disabled husband and not a paying job between you.

Nice.

OP I’m amazed that you have all that going on and are trying to Home Ed-goodness knows how you haven’t buckled under the stress!

Please get the statement (Wales) or EHC plan (not Wales!) sorted asap and get looking at special ed. Have you been assigned a case worker? How long ago did you apply?

but it is clear from the OP's post that her DS1 was not failed by the educational system. He never entered the education system in the first place.

The comment I referred to wasn’t about the OP, it was a judgement on a whole lot of other parents who home school. The question to the OP was a valid one, the judgement that other parents who say they home school actually don’t, was not.

yes, that was my line of thinking when I asked the question

Which was why I asked if it was relevant. I hadn’t twigged that it could have a bearing on OH relationship with his son.

Jeez, this poster

Is there a list of approved ways to respond you would like to share with everyone, or would you prefer just to target me for not doing exactly as you’d like?

You think it is “in HIS best interests to stay home schooled”
I get that you want to do the best you can for him, but at the cost of your other younger son as well as your husband? This son is violent towards your younger son and you still think that because he has special needs his wants come first?? He is maybe manageable at 5 but what about as he gets older and stronger? What will you do when your younger ds ends up in hospital because his brother attacked him?

You have to look at your family’s needs as a whole, or you may find yourself alone with your son and your ex dh with custody of the other children as they could not be left safely in the same house as an abusive sibling (even though it is not his fault)!

Please allow your son to attend a special needs school, as it may help him. These teachers and therapists are trained to do the best that can be done for children like your ds1. This will allow your family some respite from the violence he displays. I can only imagine the fear your other ds goes through every day, wondering if he is going to be attacked and why his dm allows this to happen to him! Can’t you see the damage this situation is doing to the rest of your family?

Is there a list of approved ways to respond you would like to share with everyone, or would you prefer just to target me for not doing exactly as you’d like?

I would actually prefer you didn’t engage with me at all, Minty. . I find your posting style pretty abrasive and if anything, felt targeted by you in two posts in quick succession. I definitely do not interpret your snitty “is this relevant?” post as being a benign enquiry and won’t be responding further to avoid derailing the thread in pointless sniping.

I used to work in a ofsted rated outstanding special school. The facilities and staff were amazing . They had a swimming pool that played music and had different lighting , sensory rooms, loads of input from health professionals, brilliant playgrounds , trips out and visitors in all the time - parents were so positive about it and there is a huge waiting list to get in. The children's behaviour was often reported by parents to be much better at school with the positive behaviour management, routines etc and staff will be very aware of sensory issues with changing etc .. and staff have a good success rate with supporting toileting if down the line that becomes a possibility. I'd really recommend having a look around.

The question to the OP was a valid one, the judgement that other parents who say they home school actually don’t, was not.

You're right, I should have kept my thoughts on that to myself so I apologise. I still have concerns that homeschooling in this case is not actually involving any schooling, as I don't see how it can with the demands on OP's time and energy, especially with a new baby on the way.

My 4 year old is in specialist provision. My 8 year old isn’t but is in mainstream.

I could never dream about home schooling either of my two (both ASD). I don’t have the energy or the expertise. My 4 year old is thriving.

Your husband had a point. It’s so hard bejng a punchbag. I am the punchbag in this house and it’s fucking horrible. You are scared every second of the day. Perhaps if you were the punchbag you may think differently. Your poor husband.