To put DS before the family.

[AlphabetMummy]

DS1 has servere Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, for these reasons, we decided to home school him now he has reached school age (he turns 5 in November). Whenever there is even a change of circumstances at home, big or small, it sets him back quite far. He cannot control his emotions and becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.
I believe it is in HIS best interests to stay home schooled. But a month in, and hes having a set back, increasingly more difficult, and DH is upset and can't cope with "being a constant punch bag". My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1. I mean he hits me once in a blue mood, but hits DH daily when hes in this state.
AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family? His brothers are all younger, so dont go to school yet, DH has a disability meaning he doesnt work. So sending DS1 to school would give everyone a break from him, that they dont get otherwise. But I feel that we are just giving up on him and passing the buck if we send him to school. "/
Any help or advice would be appreciated :( thanks xx

I sent my disabled toddler into a therapeutic daycare at the age of two for a few days a week. They offered therapies and routine and peers which I couldn't. Was best thing for him and us. He's now nineteen. Peer pressure can be positive. I think due to his violence he needs a routine around experts with autistic children

@gamerchick
I read her post and it maybe that at this time homeschooling may not be right or that she will need help with calming down techniques that she may get help from a group or services via health visitor or GP.

I went off on one as I started to read replies to her post and whether homeschool is right or wrong in her situation, I read very misinformed opinionated rubbish that made my blood boil. I found it very belittled that many view home education in such a dim view which will have come from media representation and demonises the many that work hard at doing what is in the best interests in the child.

Placing a child in a school of whatever kind doesn’t make the problem go away. In many cases it makes it worse. Professionals that are mentioned in this thread are not god and many lack many skills and other are brilliant. This is why I said research the school as some use applied behaviour analysis. Whether they do or don’t, make sure that you can easily communicate with them as once in it’s harder to remove a child if you or they are unhappy.

  I am thankful that home education is a choice in the U.K. without this choice my oldest child would have been dead at the age of 9! He is autistic and had and ehcp and still stood out and would be attacked. Apparently it’s just a bit of playground bullying. Nope definitely not, sexual assault and strangulation is not nothing. :(
He certainly does not sit and watch TV all day. Many genuine home educators value their children’s education and whether schooled at home or educated and unschooled which isn’t what many assume watching the family on Stacey Dooley. The unschoolers that I know are amazing and their children are highly educated. 

I do get on my high horse and get wound up as when I see lies and false misinformation regarding homeschooling it gets my back up. I would hate to lose the choice to homeschool and so would people that have their children in school. Imagine if it was banned like Germany? How would the schools cope? Already the class sizes, the rotation of teacher, the behaviour? Imagine adding the thousands of homeschooled children into that? Insane!

It’s the media interest on homeschool with the focus on ‘off grid’ and almost hippieish and portraying homeschooling in a negative light to create reactions and outrage. Using families that don’t share the views of the majority to shock the readers and portray a false view of homeschooling families as a collective. Yeh that pisses me off!

You're massively projecting here I think.

My response was not to suggest that OP should homeschool or not get help or anything. It maybe that school or special school May suit better especially with current situation or it maybe support and help may improve the situation.

@AlphabetMummy hope you get some support and decent advice :)

@gamerchick and anyone else, my king boring rants that you may not think are relevant and apparently the posters have deemed that home education isn’t best in this situation. That maybe the case and we only read a snapshot but adding negative and misconceptions about home education and also children with SEN will push me to address them and go of on one.

Do we need to be qualified to have children now? If they have special needs, doesn’t that mean that if we haven’t got a qualification in this area, then we shouldn’t take care of them as we are not qualified? We should as someone put it ‘ leave it to the professionals!’
Really???? Maybe I'm overreacting to some of the replies. Lol wonder if the person that said that looks over their comment and think hang on.. what am I saying.....?....

@gamerchick
Yes maybe I am over projecting
I just get annoyed when I see really misinformed perceptions on EHE. With the media shit storm the other week and then seeing some of the replies here I understand why, when I’m out with my children we get looks and assumptions that were not as demonising and apparent before.

Still projecting. Rant away if you want, makes no odds to me.

I was home educated for a while, I have nothing against it as an idea.
Currently in this situation it isn't working.
Two vulnerable people are being physically assaulted and a baby is going to be added to this.
Maybe a part time schedule of some kind would work.
What we do know is that the current situation isn't working and therefore needs to change in some way.

Op, I hope you come back

Your child needs a combination of academic and therapy. Providing that in a homeschool situation can be a full-time job. My dd has mild autism and attends a mainstream school. Her medical and therapy appointments are still incredibly time consuming. I had thought I would be working full-time by this point, but I can only manage half-time given our very busy schedule. One of the biggest advantages of the special school is that many of the interventions he needs will be happening in the school environment. It can actual give him a more predictable environment and leave more time free for decompression. Only you can decide what is best for your child, but I really would consider a school placement if he has been offered a good one.

We should as someone put it ‘ leave it to the professionals!’

Apologies if i'm missing it but I can't see anyone who has posted this. There have been people commenting about professionals, and how these could help the OPs son, but I can't see that anyone has said the OP shouldn't have input into her son and his education.

I know a lot of people who home educated - and their children have tended to thrive and do very well. In some cases it was the parents beliefs, in others it was led by the children's needs.

But in no case was there violence. Other people in the household getting injured, and the one in charge of home education/caring for the child also being a carer for a disabled adult.

The OP had dismissed all Special Schools without thoroughly investigating them. And her son's behaviour seems to be getting worse not better, and he hasn't been to school or nursery yet.
If he continues as she has described him, then he could well need some kind of sheltered housing in the long term future. That is much easier to access if he is already in the "system".

Bringing up a child with Autism needs a degree of flexibility, because you never know when what is "working now" will stop working. In the OP's case I'm not convinced that it is working now.

you never know when what is "working now" will stop working.

This is very good advice.

A child going to school, with such complex needs, doesn't magically remove the threat of violence.

The underlying needs remain, and whether after consideration continuing to home educate or trying to get a special school place, finding ways to understand those needs, and find ways to meet them will be needed.

The complex needs are going to be there regardless, so may be the first step is to find support for those. Whatever is causing him to be so anxious, and what ever is going on in the relationship with his Dad will still be there.

Many home educators have been in your position - and I would start by looking to find support from your local and the SEN groups already posted.

What is in place to help with the sensory processing issues?
Have you considered other ASD aspects? Could there be a demand avoidant profile in play?