To put DS before the family.

[AlphabetMummy]

DS1 has servere Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, for these reasons, we decided to home school him now he has reached school age (he turns 5 in November). Whenever there is even a change of circumstances at home, big or small, it sets him back quite far. He cannot control his emotions and becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.
I believe it is in HIS best interests to stay home schooled. But a month in, and hes having a set back, increasingly more difficult, and DH is upset and can't cope with "being a constant punch bag". My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1. I mean he hits me once in a blue mood, but hits DH daily when hes in this state.
AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family? His brothers are all younger, so dont go to school yet, DH has a disability meaning he doesnt work. So sending DS1 to school would give everyone a break from him, that they dont get otherwise. But I feel that we are just giving up on him and passing the buck if we send him to school. "/
Any help or advice would be appreciated :( thanks xx

@MintyMabel I assumed that the OP's husband was the home school teacher too, and that could be a reason why he bears the brunt of most of the violence? That, of course, could be wrong, but no judgement from me either way.

Yes, that was my line of thinking when I asked the question. It might throw a little more light on OP’s rather cryptic comment about the husband “changing”.

Of course, until the OP returns to the thread, no one will know. ¯\(ツ)/¯

He's hitting your other son, that can't be allowed to continue. It's not fair to anyone.

You aren't giving up on him by sending him to a school that can meet his needs, you are supporting him

appears from one of her other posts that OP is pregnant with DC4. How on earth is this going to work? You are already all struggling - how are you going to manage with a newborn on top? I really dont think you have thought home schooling through and how much home schooling is actually taking place on this set up. Sounds like DS may just not to to school?

Also want to add while my ds is still home part time due to necessity (we still aim for full time, and the school is very understanding), school is amazing for him and he loves it most of the time. I think the space between us is necessary. For my mental health and in order for me to be a better mum, and for him to gain confidence and play with friends. My ds does not have autism, he has developmental trauma, but I have never felt like I was giving up on him by putting him in school. In fact every professional we've worked with has felt it was the best thing for our family. I would do anything for my son, and I know that in order to give my best I need breaks. I don't feel guilty for that.

I would have him taught by an experienced specialist

You're not doing him any favours, frankly, by not getting him more support and help Find him an appropriate school and fight to get him into it. Take parenting classes that specialise in helping families with children who have autism and other special needs.

And apologise to your disabled husband for essentially allowing him to be a punching bag for a child and thinking he should change. Ditto for the child you're allowing your oldest to hit and bully. That's just awful.

IF you don't start sorting this now, immediately, your other children will eventually grow up and run as fast as they can. Imagine growing up in a home where everything was about one child ... including allowing that child to hurt them ... you would run as soon as you could, wouldn't you?

School. Support. And a change in attitude from you.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I completely understand that you’re afraid of letting your child down, but you need to think of ‘everyone’ in the family, not just your oldest. You could end up in a future as a loan parent, if it gets too much for your husband, and with an isolated child, with siblings that are reluctant to visit.

My youngest has autism, SN and epilepsy, but would be completely lost without school. She has always attended special schools and they are all different but the one thing they have in common is the devotion and dedication of the teachers. They could choose to work in a school full of ‘typical’ children but choose to teach in these schools instead. I have so much respect for them.

She now attends college with other children with various SNs and absolutely loves it. She has friends that she keeps in touch with and even goes for sleep overs and I don’t have to worry about her because those parents know how to communicate with her, because of their own child. She has three best friends and the other parents and meet once every month or two, with the adult children for a meal and drinks. School and college can be a wonderful thing for your child and your family.

It’s hard to look outside your bubble, but it really would help your whole family.

@MintyMabel Let's put it this way. I am a reasonably well-educated person who runs my own business and I've taught and mentored a lot of people during my career. I would not feel confident in my abilities to adequately homeschool my NT child to a level I'm happy with, and not a hope in hell I would attempt it with a SN child unless there was really no alternative. And there is an alternative here. I think trying to muddle through without specialist knowledge or resources that you can actually have access to does more of a disservice to your child than the alternative.

I'm sure plenty won't agree but that's fine. Some of the posts I've seen on here by people who talk about homeschooling their children are barely literate, so forgive me for feeling a bit dubious about it in many cases. In many cases, it's less schooling and more just caring for them at home (which is fine if that's what the child needs at that time), but schooling involves setting aims and goals, structure, knowledge on how to get the most out of your child whatever their ability, and the time and resources to at least match what they would get in a school setting.

Did you have any advice or support from anyone when you made the decision to Home-school? Are you still "in the system?"
In my experience, from a teacher's point of view, it is terribly hard to find places in appropriate schools for children with even quite severe issues, whose needs cannot and are not being met in mainstream.
Do you have links already with social services/medics for his condition? Did you ever consider enrolling him for school (mainstream or special) in the first place?

Just waiting for the OP to return and answer the questions many people have put.

Thank you for all the supportive and helpful comments. The not so helpful ones I understand, its always risky putting things on MN these days, everyone will judge.
A lot of questions, so sorry if I miss any.

DH has a muscle weakening auto immune disease. Which means he has ups and downs, is weaker at different points of the day, in a wheelchair out of the house etc.
He gets stressed very easily and doesn't overly understand DS diagnosis, just this morning he called DS a sodbag for hitting him. Like hes doing it deliberately. The more DH shouts, the worse DS gets, as he cannot cope with it. We all lose control at times, but I find I can cope without so much shouting and ultimately making things worse.

His younger brother is at that awful toddler stage of annoying everyone until they snap. So he is deliberately provoking his brother for the reaction. He is being taught, and that will take time. In the same way we try to teach his brother to use his words not his fists etc. They can get on very well if younger brother isnt on the wind up! And DS doesnt show any agression towards anyone else.

Its all less about the actual education in a special school, its more about the fact that DS is still in nappies due to his sensory disorder and having no awareness of being wet/needing to go. Without any judging comments please, it is a big thing for me to let someone else change him. He has a melt down when anyone else tries to change him anyways, and it is a lot of stress multiple times a day, that we obviously dont have home schooling.
I think if he could attend to his own toilet needs then it would be less of a personal struggle as to send him to school or not.

Yes i take on a lot here, i have a cleaner once a week, but other than that i do most of the housework, most of the homeschooling, looking after all kids and DH. DH helps when he is well enough to.

And to answer the financial question, even if all kids were in school, or we had no kids, i could not work as I am hubbys carer. He also cannot be left with the kids on his own for long as he cannot physically deal with them, and it would put everyone at risk if there was an emergency such as a fire.

Thank you for advice. We are on the list for the education statement, and I know thats the first step. I have been looking at some schools online, maybe I need to think about actually visiting one so someone there can set my mind at rest about some of the worries i have.

The school will be full of teachers who are qualified to give him the best start possible.

Saying your husband has to change in order to not be hit ('he's asking for it' effectively) sounds a bit wrong IMO. I mean, you could well be right but it still doesn't seem ok to say that, especially as he's disabled.

Unless you're a qualified SEN/ASN teacher, you can't (at least not as easily) give your son as useful an education as they can. Choosing to send him to a school full of people qualified to handle his condition is giving him the best education possible.

Even if you are a qualified SEN/ASN teacher, it mightn't be as easy when it's your own child, as you don't have the same level of objectivity, because he's your son.

IMO, try the school. Give it a year because he'll seem upset at first, it might take him a fair while to settle in. After the year you can reassess it.

As a PP said, unless it's already been suggested, it might actually be quite hard to get him a place. But I think you should keep trying until you get one, if possible.

Its all less about the actual education in a special school, its more about the fact that DS is still in nappies due to his sensory disorder and having no awareness of being wet/needing to go.

lots of children in SS are in nappies. Very common!

Yes i take on a lot here, i have a cleaner once a week, but other than that i do most of the housework, most of the homeschooling, looking after all kids and DH. DH helps when he is well enough to.

And to answer the financial question, even if all kids were in school, or we had no kids, i could not work as I am hubbys carer. He also cannot be left with the kids on his own for long as he cannot physically deal with them

so, safe to say no education is going on? your DS1 deserves better. It's sounds like an utterly chaotic setup to 'educate' a disabled child.

I really think you need to look at SS and see what they can offer. Some are fabulous.

The changing - it wouldn't be a problem at a SS.

It still sounds like you are blaming your dh and toddler for your ds's violence. Have you received any family counselling? How will you manage a newborn in all of this?

His younger brother is at that awful toddler stage of annoying everyone until they snap.

OP, you cannot blame a toddler for someone else hitting them.

Your life sounds really tough OP, and I think home schooling your DS1 will make things much tougher. Forgive me if I've missed this, how many DCs do you have?

Christ almighty, there's a othe

Whoops baby posted that when I was midway through and it's on wrong thread anyway Ignore!

My eldest went to a special needs school. He is not autistic but has a few similar traits and was schooled amounts many who were. Some were schooled within the class room. Class size was 8 pupils and one teacher and support worker.
Others on the more severe scale were taught in the separate autistic unit with one to one support but integrated into the rest of the school where possible.
I actually think you are doing him a disservice by home schooling him where he is clearly not coping or learning( lashing out and hurting family members)
Special needs schools can be excellent and give him the best chance to reach his potential. They are not dumping grounds for special needs children or difficult to teach children and their is no failure in a parent who places their child in one.

And DS doesnt show any agression towards anyone else

So there is an element of self-control?

We are on the list for the education statement

What do you actually mean by this?

I say this as a SENCo who applies for Statutory Assessments regularly. Statements no longer exist and it’s far more complex than going on a list. I just wanted to make sure that you were fully aware of the process. Are you applying yourself? Is there a specialist teacher or area senco involved? Does he have a diagnosis-ADOS?

The school will be full of teachers who are qualified to give him the best start possible.

I agree.

Have you actually looked at any schools for him? Your perception of them may be very different to the reality and they may be able to put your fears to rest.

I think you need to go and look at some schools and then push for the right school. The situation you have described is not in your son's best interests in the long term.

A lot of children on the spectrum do have toiletting issues, so that wouldn't in itself be a problem for a special school - but you say your son has issues with other people touching him as well, so it bothers you.

You might find that a SS would have strategies that would help both you and him with this situation.

They might also have other strategies that help with other parts of his situation too.

You would NOT be "letting him down", you would be widening the support for him and would be gaining more knowledge by sharing with others - AND it would be beneficial for the rest of your family as well as your DS1 to go to a SS.

Good luck getting into one.

Its all less about the actual education in a special school, its more about the fact that DS is still in nappies due to his sensory disorder and having no awareness of being wet/needing to go.

Many children in special ed are in nappies. In fact, we have a rising number in mainstream as well-that shouldn’t be a deciding factor for you.