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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put DS before the family.

162 replies

AlphabetMummy · 06/10/2019 10:22

DS1 has servere Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, for these reasons, we decided to home school him now he has reached school age (he turns 5 in November). Whenever there is even a change of circumstances at home, big or small, it sets him back quite far. He cannot control his emotions and becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.
I believe it is in HIS best interests to stay home schooled. But a month in, and hes having a set back, increasingly more difficult, and DH is upset and can't cope with "being a constant punch bag". My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1. I mean he hits me once in a blue mood, but hits DH daily when hes in this state.
AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family? His brothers are all younger, so dont go to school yet, DH has a disability meaning he doesnt work. So sending DS1 to school would give everyone a break from him, that they dont get otherwise. But I feel that we are just giving up on him and passing the buck if we send him to school. "/
Any help or advice would be appreciated :( thanks xx

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/10/2019 13:54

OP if you are still reading

I get a sense of guilt at the thought of sending your son to school. As if you owe it to him to do it all yourself. The opposite is true. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is to allow yourself to be helped. You are helping him and supporting him by accessing resources for him.

You also need to be realistic about burn out. You have a lot on your plate already and if you run yourself into the ground who will support the family then.

Sirzy · 06/10/2019 13:55

As hard as it is though being defensive and burying your head in the sand isn’t going to help anyone.

Even the strongest person in the world couldn’t be full time Carer to one person, sole educator for another and parent to another two children. Something has to give because otherwise it’s just the perfect recipe for a lot of resentment and a lack of actually being able to be a family.

ibanez0815 · 06/10/2019 13:57

I will not be returning to the post, hopefully admin can delete it for me

OP, you got lots of really good advice... it may not be what you wanted to hear but maybe you should take some things on board instead of asking for a deletion just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 06/10/2019 13:59

I think you need to look at other options as it’s not fair on your husband or other kids. If you want to remain married to your husband I’d consider being more flexible and see what is best for everyone and not just one family member, as I can imagine this eventually putting a huge strain on your marriage.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 06/10/2019 14:20

On the offchance that you come back to read...

I have worked with SEN schools, and I tm what they do is fantastic. Please at least do some finding out about them and make enquiries, especially regarding and concerns you have.

It does seem le unlit have an awful lot on your plate Flowers and I do wonder how on earth you manage to fit in keeping a house, and caring for your disabled husband and three children at home, one of whom has SEN and is violent. To be able to manage violent outbursts AND home educate him as well is staggering to me. I hope that whatever you choose education-wise that you take care of yourself too and don't burn out Flowers

Livelovebehappy · 06/10/2019 14:47

You really need to protect the interests and safety of all members of the family. One person can not dictate how the rest of the family live. Your poor DH being attacked daily and then being held to blame by being told he needs to change, or presumably the attacks are justified?

ibanez0815 · 06/10/2019 14:55

it doesn't sound like you are even remotely in a position to home school your DS. I think you are actually neglecting him by denying him an education he is entitled to.

LIZS · 06/10/2019 15:00

Even children with sn can misbehave. You seem very willing to blame the victims of your ds rage. A toddler is not deliberately winding him up . It is not reasonable to expect everyone to tiptoe around him. Learn some tolerance yes but not be so inhibited. How do your younger children get to make noise, play or go out as toddlers should? I think you need to explore other options as the balance is wrong and you seem overly protective. Do you and dh share ideas on behaviour and boundaries?

pumkinspicetime · 06/10/2019 15:25

Home schooling can be a successful solution for a range of situations. It really doesn't sound like this is one of them.
Your DH shouldn't have to accept being used as a punchbag.
It is really not okay that your younger dc is also being hurt and being blamed for that at the same time.
OP have you looked at SS, they work extremely well.
Sending dc to school causes stress for lots of parents whose dc have no special needs. But for your dc to achieve their best lives you have to work on letting go. Do you have emotional support for yourself?
The current situation isn't sustainable for any of you.

DobbinsVeil · 06/10/2019 15:31

LIZS the OP describes her son as being severely autistic. I don't read it as blaming the toddler, just identifying the trigger. I know adults with severe autism who need a minimum of 2 adults to care for them. And no, they really aren't just "misbehaving" Hmm.

norfolkskies · 06/10/2019 15:34

OP something to bear in mind if you HE. The home education team will at some point contact you and will want to know HOW you are educating him? They do like to see some kind of evidence as well. Have you considered this at all?
I HE my ds. He is ASD and there isnt the education provision around here. I use online school and work with the local authority. HE isnt to be taken lightly.....the knowledge doesn`t fall into their heads!

DobbinsVeil · 06/10/2019 15:38

norfolkskies are you obliged to engage with the Home Ed team? Because I thought you couldn't be compelled to.

I'm interested because DS3 is basically contained at school, really not being educated. But this is ok for the LA, so I'm curious where the line is with Home Ed...

itsstillgood · 06/10/2019 15:39

I would move this discussion to the home education or SEN boards.

I home educate and have done from the start, one is now in college with a decent set of GCSEs. Other is just starting that path.

Over that time I have seen many people home educating children with SEN often with busy, difficult situations regards the rest of the family. For many of them while it has been hard it has definitely worked out best for the child. Others have done it while they have sought places at Special Schools - a lot harder to get then many posters on here seem to think, but when those places have been secured their children have thrived.

I would do some research and visit some schools. The right setting may well be able to provide more routine and structure and other support.

That said it is only the start of October so no more than 4 weeks in to term. Your child isn't CSA yet and the early years should be play based. Struggling with home ed at this point, doesn't mean it isn't the right thing just that you haven't settled into the right routine.

There may well be other causes of increased aggression. When your child has SEN I can imagine there is a tendency to focus on that but both of my boys had 'bursts of testosterone ' just before their 5th birthday, NT and usually laid back and placid, it was like having a different child for a while, the aggressive behaviour was a shock but most friends with boys that age experienced similar.

That said it isn't acceptable for your younger children and dh to suffer violence. You need to have strategies in place to deal with it. I get that toddlers can be annoying but that is normal and you need to manage how they interact or keep them apart more (and special school may be answer). I think you got a hard time about your comment about your husband. I read it that you have different approaches to discipline and that you feel your husband's approach can escalate the violence. You need to talk and agree approach. Perhaps seek counselling and support if your husband is struggling with the diagnosis and both learn some strategies to use with your son. It might be though that your son would benefit from the time with specialist support as much as the rest of the family benefits from respite.

I wouldn't rule out either path yet. Getting him in and settled to the right setting will take time so look what is out there now and what you need to do. Trust your gut and push for what you feel he needs. At the same time sit down as a couple and discuss what strategies you can use to make life better for everyone. What you think your son needs for home ed to work and how you can accommodate that around the rest of the family.

Firstawake · 06/10/2019 16:34

By letting him go to a ss, you give him opportunity to really open up his world, with people that understand his needs.

Wonkybanana · 06/10/2019 16:46

I was hoping to get a nice debate on homeschool vs school/special school for SN child.

And you've had that. But the majority of posters have said that special school is really good for children with LD, and that isn't what you wanted to hear.

You can't blame posters for picking up on the violence, and challenging just how much 'schooling' actually takes place. They are important, especially the violence. But again, I think you only wanted to hear that you're his mum, so you're the only one who can do anything for him and 'of course' he should stay at home.

twinkle2020 · 06/10/2019 16:49

Facebook Groups www.facebook.com/groups/UKHESN/
and Home Educating our Special Needs children

Kas7680 · 06/10/2019 17:22

Have you found local home ed groups? If not that may be a good starting point as there may be locals who can offer more physical help. There are a lot of different types of home ed groups on fb including local & sen groups where you can get more appropriate non judgemental advice from others including those with kids with asd that have pulled their kids out of sen schools

Kas7680 · 06/10/2019 17:25

A link to a sen group to help www.facebook.com/groups/312513312123284/

Chaoticpenguin · 06/10/2019 17:30

Wow
Some of the ridiculous replies on this post makes me physically sick!
@AlphabetMummy I would seek advice from home education groups and disability groups. You may be able to access help locally via the health visitor or your gp.

Some children NT or with SEN May suit a school setting or a homeschool setting. Both will take time to settle and both depend on home life.

If you go via a special school you will need to seriously do your research on the ethos and the school it’s as some follow certain methods that the USA follow but will not say explicitly. If there are problems and you want to homeschool you will have to get permission to homeschool when is a special school. In mainstream you have a choice.

 I feel very angry at the judgemental comments on this thread about what homeschooled children do or not do and that parents with SEN children should leave looking after their children’s education and welfare to the ‘professionals’??? 
  ‘Many parents are not qualified’ 
  ‘ Homeschool is a term for children not at school and just watch TV’

Seriously stop watching car crash TV and media drama with feral families and Stacey Dooley and use that misleading, crap reporting as evidence to dismiss the amazing things homeschooling/ home educating parents do for their children. Whether it was a choice or a need.

Unfortunately the world of homeschooling has been tarnished in the last few years as schools have off rolled children that they cannot deal with or achieve the grades in GCSEs. Unregulated pupil referral units ran by the LA have also off rolled to EHE so they save money. These children have complicated backgrounds and their parents have been forced to take the title of EHE and have no intention of EHE. That is a failure of the state education system. Do not get that confused!
Using gossip and crap to use as evidence to argue a point it very uneducated, yet you lot went to a state school, didn’t you?

cdsnhf · 06/10/2019 17:34

Just wondering if you have sought help and advice from any home education groups, irl, or on-line? They have a wealth of experience and could point you to the right specialist groups once you have started out down that route.

There are loads of good generalist groups on FB where you would most likely get some help and they would then be able to point you to other groups that might be of further help?

gamerchick · 06/10/2019 17:49

Some children NT or with SEN May suit a school setting or a homeschool setting. Both will take time to settle and both depend on home life

Well quite, have you actually read the OPs posts in full or have you just picked out the hom school part and ran with it?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/10/2019 17:57

Actually @Chaoticpenguin most people have rightly pointed out that the OP cannot possibly homeschool effectively whilst simultaneously caring for little ones, a disabled DH and being pregnant so a new baby soon to be added to the mix. Added to that the violence which the OP is just excusing and it is hard to see how any of this is in the best interest of anyone on the family.

Easterndream · 06/10/2019 18:05

I think you are favouring ( without realising) your eldest child by putting his needs above everyone else's. Your younger children have as much right to your best some of the time, and by homeschooling your eldest you are unable to ever give it to them

ibanez0815 · 06/10/2019 18:06

If you go via a special school you will need to seriously do your research on the ethos and the school it’s as some follow certain methods that the USA follow but will not say explicitly.

eh?? Confused

WaterSheep · 06/10/2019 18:16

Exactly sweeneytoddsrazor Homeschooling can be a great experience for many children, including those with additional needs. However, in this case it's clear that the environment and family circumstances aren't conducive to effective homeschooling, and things are only likely to get more complicated and frustrating when the new baby arrives.