To put DS before the family.

[AlphabetMummy]

DS1 has servere Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, for these reasons, we decided to home school him now he has reached school age (he turns 5 in November). Whenever there is even a change of circumstances at home, big or small, it sets him back quite far. He cannot control his emotions and becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.
I believe it is in HIS best interests to stay home schooled. But a month in, and hes having a set back, increasingly more difficult, and DH is upset and can't cope with "being a constant punch bag". My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1. I mean he hits me once in a blue mood, but hits DH daily when hes in this state.
AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family? His brothers are all younger, so dont go to school yet, DH has a disability meaning he doesnt work. So sending DS1 to school would give everyone a break from him, that they dont get otherwise. But I feel that we are just giving up on him and passing the buck if we send him to school. "/
Any help or advice would be appreciated :( thanks xx

And poor toddler, who at the moment is being told it’s his fault he’s being attacked and he needs to modify his behaviour.

I’m not saying it’s the fault of your eldest DS, but you seem to think he’d be better if your DH reacted differently, if your other children reacted differently. It’s not their fault.

I would actually prefer you didn’t engage with me at all, Minty. smile. I find your posting style pretty abrasive and if anything, felt targeted by you in two posts in quick succession

If you don’t want to be responded to, probably best be avoiding posting on public forums.

Loving the irony of being told by you I have an abrasive posting style. Feel free to block or ignore if you don’t like to be on the receiving end.

I still have concerns that homeschooling in this case is not actually involving any schooling, as I don't see how it can with the demands on OP's time and energy, especially with a new baby on the way.

I would agree. All evidence seems to point to it not working for DS either.

If you are expecting another child as a PP has suggested then things are only going to get worse. In 2 years time there will be another toddler and a 7 year old hitting him. Will that be acceptable? You cannot possibly be home schooling to any effective level with the amount of other stuff going on as well. Please look at what help is out there and for goodness sake make use of it.

So DH is disabled, meaning that you pick up the housework, caring duties, childcare etc. When does that actually leave time to home school DS? And if he's not showing aggression to other people bar your toddler and DH, he obviously has an element of self control.

You're speaking as if school is plan Z, when it should be plan A. Unless you're experienced in the area of teaching children with ASD or other additional needs, you're (with respect) probably not going to be able to teach him as well as a SS could. The fact that he is in nappies is irrelevant, many many children in SS have continence issues and this is a complete non issue for them.

A structured SS, with teachers who are trained in helping children such as your DS is by far and away the best situation for him, your toddler, your DH and you.

I'm also confused by the lack of an income, and you're expecting your 4th DC? I simply can't fathom why you would bring another child into an already hectic family life when you seem to be struggling with balancing everything that you already have on your plate.

A Ss might have strategies for toilet training. They will almost certainly have done it for many of the children.

You cannot possibly be home schooling to any effective level with the amount of other stuff going on as well.

I have to say I agree with this. Homeschooling effectively is bloody hard work, and even more so for a child with additional needs. With a new baby thrown into the mix things are only going to become more complicated. It's not fair on your son, or the rest of the family to struggle on with such an unworkable situation.

With your caring responsibilities I do not understand how you have enough time in the day to home educate too? How much one to one education are you able to give your son, and how do your husband and younger children manage during this time?

I may be wrong, but it appears as if you are keeping your son at home for your needs. It also sounds as if your son is the priority, and everyone else, including your disabled husband has to change to fit in. Surely you can understand that toileting issues are something that is almost the norm in a special school.

I have four children, two sons with autism (now all adult) and sending the two of them to a special school was the most wonderful experience for them in every single sense. Well fighting the authorities to allow them to be sent there would be a better word than "sending". It was a long, hard slog but worth it. Every member of staff there knowing and understanding the practical and medical needs of every child, knowing and understanding the exact kind of education every child needs, and their emotional needs catered for too. It was the kind of eduation that in a dream world EVERY child should have. I wish the other children had the opportunities like that in mainstream school.

They boys loved and benefitted from every day spent there. The very best thing I ever, ever did and they would not be the adults they are today without the special school. With children with autism (and now a foster carer) I have come to learn a lot about it. But no matter how experienced I become, no matter how much I educated myself, there is no way I could have met their varied educational, physical, mental and social needs in every subject. And as I had other children without "special needs", who also needed time and attention, it would not be fair to always have them take second place. And with your extra responsibilities I cannot see how it is possible for you either. I wish your whole family good luck.

I was hoping to get a nice debate on homeschool vs school/special school for SN child. Apparently that is not possible anymore on MN due to the amount of people who just want to upset people.
Not going to explain the situation any further, just had Hubby read through everything to check his opinion as this has really upset me.
I will not be returning to the post, hopefully admin can delete it for me.
Just remember next time you comment on something, you dont know the full situation and judging people is not nice. Ultimately you can end up making someone feel like the worst person alive, mainly because you dont understand the situation.

Thank you to everyone who actually helped and gave me decent advice.

op I'm sure you feel in the middle here. But you have other members of the family whose needs also need to be considered. It in NOT only about one person. sounds like you all are drowning here because the situation needs to change. You have another child to consider, its unacceptable that people are being hit and you think they need to understand and accept it because of your ds condition. Your other DC might very well grow up resenting you for that.

I would look into a SEN school tbh. I think it could be the making of him and save your family.
Getting him an appropriate education IS putting your ds first, because you also need to think about what he will be like hitting you in a few years time. This is not fair on your dh or your other ds.
One if mine was in a SEN school. I definitely did NOT give up on him by sending him there. His SEN education was holistic and nurturing

Btw i have one kid who is educated at home too, and also another in mainstream. Im not against any of the approaches, if it is appropriate for the child. Have you had a look round any of the sen schools

What did your DH think about what was posted?

I can see that you fell bealagured by some posts here, but you could just ignore them. Don't cut yourself off from the posters who want to help you think this through!

Remember, this is anonymous and you posted in AIBU, a more, erm, robust part of the site. Twats will twat! You can laugh at them, twat them back, if you feel like it.

So please, do come back and work through this more, if it would help!

Are you actually home schooling at the moment though?

If you are your DH’s carer, you are looking after two other younger children and are also pregnant-how are you managing it?

Did you answer the question about how long ago you applied for the statement/EHC?

It isn't just a straightforward debate though OP. You cannot effectively home school when you have so much else going on. If it was just your son you had to deal with then things would be different but it isn't. Sorry you don't like people's response but most people have not been unkind and all are saying the same thing.

@AlphabetMummy repost this in the Special Needs section.

Op, my son has ASD. I understand your thinking, but you are very much thinking with your heart and putting only ds at the centre of this.

Whilst admirable, you are not doing what's best for him, your dh or your other children.

Reading your other posts I think you need some practical help and need to remember that homeschooling ds may not be the best thing for him.

I am sorry to say it, but it comes across that actually you are putting your wants above the families needs. Because this seem to be you saying he is being home schooled because you want him too.

I get it. But I dont think it's for the best.

This was never going to start a homeschool debate. Because your question was should you put what you want for ds abo e everyone else. You are putting ds infront of everyone else mental and physical health.

What would you do if the baby 'winds' ds up, just by virtue of being a baby? And he hits the baby? Being in a SS school may actually help lots of these problems.

I was hoping to get a nice debate on homeschool vs school/special school for SN child.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but this was never going to happen as a result of your opening post. You haven't mentioned anything about the homeschooling you're doing, so how can there be a debate? Most posters, and i'm in agreement with them, seem to think it's worth trying a school environment. It's clear he isn't coping at home, and this is also affecting other members of the family.

OP sort out a school for your son. Mines in a specialist setting and he's thriving. There's no way I could give him what they are at home and I don't have all the other extras you have going on.

You can't sacrifice the entire family for one child who could probably do better in a SEN school setting.

Home ed is great, we've done it. But no, one child does not come above all others. If your disabled husband is left to hear the brunt he gets to have bigger say tbh

SoupDragon Genuinely curious, but would the responses on the special needs board be any different to what the majority on here have said?

Just a thought to consider. I work at a special needs school. Parents frequently tell us that behaviour at home has been difficult but they find that once they’ve started with us, behaviour has improved both at home and school. Maybe it could be an extra layer of support for your family and everyone gets a break? It maybe worth a try? You are certainly not giving up on him. This is why special school exist. I feel you should take whatever support is being offered. You really don’t have to do it all yourself.

School sounds like a better idea given all your commitments @AlphabetMummy. Spreading yourself so thin with your caring responsibilities parenting, running a household and homeschooling...it is too much for anyone and you can't give your best to every area. You will just end up stressed and ill, with a newborn on top.

Your dh isn't to blame for being upset when hurt, especially as he hurts already. Nor is your toddler, that's just unfair. Toddlers can be a pita but making them the one in the wrong- provoking and therefore getting hurt in response- is a bad lesson to teach.

You also need time for you too.

I was hoping to get a nice debate on homeschool vs school/special school for SN child. Apparently that is not possible anymore on MN due to the amount of people who just want to upset people

Maybe repost on the SN board

I was hoping to get a nice debate on homeschool vs school/special school for SN child

But you aren’t home schooling him by the sounds of it so that is what people are responding to.