To put DS before the family.

[AlphabetMummy]

DS1 has servere Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, for these reasons, we decided to home school him now he has reached school age (he turns 5 in November). Whenever there is even a change of circumstances at home, big or small, it sets him back quite far. He cannot control his emotions and becomes violent, especially with DH (his Daddy), and one of his brothers.
I believe it is in HIS best interests to stay home schooled. But a month in, and hes having a set back, increasingly more difficult, and DH is upset and can't cope with "being a constant punch bag". My opinion is that if DH changed a bit, then hed have a better relationship with DS1. I mean he hits me once in a blue mood, but hits DH daily when hes in this state.
AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family? His brothers are all younger, so dont go to school yet, DH has a disability meaning he doesnt work. So sending DS1 to school would give everyone a break from him, that they dont get otherwise. But I feel that we are just giving up on him and passing the buck if we send him to school. "/
Any help or advice would be appreciated :( thanks xx

Many people would find it hard/impossible to home educate their NT child never mind a child with autism and look after 2 other younger children. SS are not for people who have given up. Have you had a look at any? I know a mum who sends her child there and is a parent governor and my local one sounds terrific.

Is it your h or you doing the educating and childcare? Your h and younger child deserves not to be hit. Does the brother at least go to nursery for respite?

Kids with special needs often need school more than kids who don’t - the ‘home school’ term for these kids is a misnomer as only the minority of parents have the ability to educate kids with profound needs. They are usually only at home because a mainstream school won’t take them and there isn’t a special needs school nearby. You are lucky to have one so you should be chomping at the bit to use it - I just don’t understand why you aren’t.

I would seriously look at special schools. I home schooled my four year old as he had been excluded from school. The manager at my kindergarten he went back too suggested a local special school. I can say it’s one of the best things we have done for him. He is now blossoming (year 8) and the school have helped learn to manage his outbursts. When I spoke to the paediatrician when he was diagnosed aged 4/5 she said that she would rather he be in school than home educated. I took that a dive, fought tooth and nail to get him into a special school, but it was so worth it.

What do you mean with ‘DH could change his way a bit’? And this would make things easier.

And what sort of disability your DH have? Reading your OP, it felt like you are the one dealing with all the dc and homeschooling, yet he is at home full time....

The education specialists will have training and experience that you cannot offer unless this is your background. I think it is a disservice to keep your son at home when you have 2 younger children that you are trying to juggle too

AIBU to keep home schooling or should I put him into a special needs school for the good of the family?

If he isn’t dealing well with home schooling then I can’t see how school would be any different. I know specialist provision can be patchy but I would have thought there would be somewhere suitable for him. Schools for children with autism will know how to deal with the problems you think might arise. Is there an element of not trusting him into the system? It would be understandable if there is, many parents in your situation feel the same.

Is your husband the home schooling teacher whilst you work

Is this relevant?

If the latter, which I suspect is probably the case for a lot of 'home-schooled' children
You have no basis for this assertion other than your own judgement. Most of the SEN children I know who are home schooled are there because the education system has failed them, insisted mainstream with little support, putting the parents in the situation where they end up with school refusers or having to fight with them daily to get them to school. Parents have had to give up work and claim benefits because they are forced in to home schooling, and on top of that they face judgement from people who assume they are sitting their kids in front of the telly. Nice.

meccacos2 You could have made the point you intended without using such outdated language.

Putting a child in a special school is most definitely not giving up on them.

All of your family are important, including your DH and your other children. It is absolutely not acceptable for your son to be hitting either his dad or his brother.

I really think you need to explore all options, for your DS's benefit. I assume that as your DH is a home, he is the one doing the homeschooling, which is possibly why he bears the brunt of the violence, but something really has to change. And I don't think the assumption that it should just be your DH is helpful.

Brave choice of wording.

Not brave. Ignorant.

You will not be letting your DS down by enrolling him in a special school. On the contrary. The staff there will be trained to meet his needs and bring him along. And he might find a calm environment less stressful tgab being around toddlers all day. I think it would benefit every body, it's not sacrificing your DS for the rest of the family

A neighbour has a violent disabled child. Her other son would regularly run away to escape, luckily he always turned up at our house and we’d find him hiding somewhere (our doors never locked when in) Sometimes he’d be here for hours and just not speak. He’d find a room and turn the TV on. Never any bother and I didn’t mind. However what would happen if he had no where to go?

You need some professional help and the sooner the better.

Look at special schools. If your son's behaviour is impacting so much on the family at 5, give it 10 years, a strapping 15 year old, and you'll all be wrecks. You owe it to your other children, they are just as important. A special school placement wouldn't be giving up on him; the specialists who work there will help him manage his behaviours and support you. Many people fight to get a special school placement, even move across the country to get the right school.

Brave choice of wording.

Not brave. Ignorant.

Or very out of date? Many people still haven't caught up. So many unacceptable words were in common use years ago.

Start the process and go and have a look at some appropriate schools. You're not committing yourself to anything, I presume?
Would you have the support of the "authorities" to do this?

Is your husband the home schooling teacher whilst you work

Is this relevant?

@MintyMabel I assumed that the OP's husband was the home school teacher too, and that could be a reason why he bears the brunt of most of the violence? That, of course, could be wrong, but no judgement from me either way.

Not brave. Ignorant.

Yes, I know. It was sarcasm.

Homeschooling isn’t working for you as a family. A special school might be able to help your DS. What will happen if DS seriously injures DH or one of the younger children? It sounds like you need a lot more support as a family.

Sending your child to a special school isn’t giving up on him, it’s helping him learn more about the world around him in a way that he can understand. He needs an education in safe surroundings which is provided by professionals who can help him.

You can’t just enrol in a special school-they are often extremely over subscribed. Does your child have an EHC plan as they won’t get a place without one.

You have no basis for this assertion other than your own judgement. Most of the SEN children I know who are home schooled are there because the education system has failed them, insisted mainstream with little support, putting the parents in the situation where they end up with school refusers or having to fight with them daily to get them to school. Parents have had to give up work and claim benefits because they are forced in to home schooling, and on top of that they face judgement from people who assume they are sitting their kids in front of the telly. Nice.

but it is clear from the OP's post that her DS1 was not failed by the educational system. He never entered the education system in the first place.

D

I think you are putting your guilt above all to be honest. Special schools have professionals who can help your ds. Your dh and other children should not have to live with violence. I have a ds with special needs. He was extremely violent from 3-8 and has only recently stopped due to a wonderful psychiatrist and proper medication. Being physically attacked everyday is exhausting. You seem more keen for your DH to change then to get your DS proper help.

Is your husband the home schooling teacher whilst you work

Is this relevant?

Yes, it IS relevant, hence why I asked.

Jeezo, this poster. 🙄

A friend battled hard (tribunals etc) to get her severely autistic son into a specialist private school. He was about 9 when he started and changed from non-verbal to basic speech within 6 months.

Getting him into that school was a hell of a battle and was the opposite of giving up on him. He needed appropriate tailored intervention all day, day in day out to progress. It would be astonishingly hard for a parent to replicate that at home.

Have you been offered a special school place for your son, OP? Because they do tend to be hard to access - you need an ECHP in place plus evidence that a special school will meet his needs - or, perhaps more significantly, that mainstream cannot.