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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 06/10/2019 19:21

YABU. I doubt your family were that upset to miss the actual day and your DH went out of his way to plan several treats. Next time it might be better to plan it yourself!

WanderingMind · 06/10/2019 19:22

most women are lucky if their dh remembers to get them a birthday card

Luckily most women that I know married considerate adults not a selfish child. Hmm

DorisDay88 · 06/10/2019 19:34

Tbh if I want a special celebration for my birthday I organise it myself
I did it for my 50th last year, booked a weekend in a house, invited the friends I wanted, if they could come great, if not no problem.
My kids organised a few surprises while we were there but I think if there's something you have in mind for a special birthday then take the reins and book it yourself rather than expect someone to second guess and get it wrong

Original poster
Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 23:26

Most women are lucky if their DH gets them a card??? Really??? That's a pretty low bar...

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 06/10/2019 23:41

Your friends live all over the country so would have been very hard prob to get them altogether for the same day-yes maybe he is just crap at organising-arrange a different weekend with them as a late celebration

Patienceisvirtuous · 06/10/2019 23:42

I think he did pretty well.

Durgasarrow · 07/10/2019 04:02

I think your husband was sweet and romantic--the night alone is lovely

DeathStare · 07/10/2019 05:57

For all those saying he went to great effort, appreciate it... can I ask you this....

Supposing what he had got her was tickets to a prestigious sporting event for a sport she hates but he loves, followed by a night out with his (not her) best mate and him. What would everyone say?

I can bet my bottom dollar the response wouldn't be "isn't he great, look at how much effort he's gone to"

The responses would be that he isn't listening to her, and that he is doing what he wants rather than what she wants.

The point is the same here. The example may not be quite as extreme but the point is the same. He asked what she wanted, she told him what she wanted. Given what he eventually did get her, then what she wanted was clearly both within his budget and within his capabilities. But he then decided to ignore what she wanted. He decided that he knew best what she wanted. That he knew what she wanted better than she did. So he ignored her clearly specified wishes were and gave her what he had decided in a context that should have been about her.

The question isn't really about whether he went to effort. The question is about whether it is OK for him to completely disregard her wishes.

And the idea that she is spoilt or that she is behaving selfishly because she isn't feeling lucky that he disregarded her wishes just sums up how deeply ingrained patriarchy is.

DeathStare · 07/10/2019 06:02

And the fact that other posters would want the presents/events he bought/organised, is also really missing the point.

Many people would love getting a beautiful designer dress. If the birthday-girl is a trackies and t-shirt girl, and has made it clear that this is who she is what she would like, why should she feel grateful that her nearest and dearest ignores this and gets a designer dress, just because other people would like it?

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 06:09

Wow you have a high sense of your own self importance.

You really think that your family would have wanted to have lunch on your actual birthday? Really? I doubt they cared that it wasn’t the actual day.

As for your friends, it really sounds as if they and your H don’t have any kind of relationship, given that they asked you what you were doing and when you said it was a surprise they didn’t bother to contact your DH, so it seems quite clear actually that they didn’t have any inclination towards wanting to celebrate with you.

For those saying he should have given exactly what the OP wanted, for the most part he did. The OP asked for smellies, did she ask for actual brands? Because if not the man probably isn’t a mind reader. And no, this isn’t anything like a husband buying tickets to an event of his choice.

If he’d done nothing I might see the point, but as he didn’t do exactly what you asked for I think you’re behaving like a spoiled brat. It’s only a birthday, you’re 40 not 4. But sounds as if you need to grow up.

lostonadustyrock · 07/10/2019 06:12

I don’t know. I kind of see why you’re disappointed, but if you want something doing, do it yourself.

I think at 40 your family would understand you not spending your actual birthday day with them. Surely?

As for the gifts, you gave a v precise list. Do you normally, and does he normally come through? I think in this situation you either have to embrace them or return them. Otherwise you’re just going to seethe quietly and resent him.

It’s quite possible he tried to organise something with your friends too and quite a few couldn’t come, so he decided family only? Then didn’t tell you about the friends not being able to make it as didn’t want to upset you?

It’s a day. It all sounds a bit precious to me, though I know some people take Big Birthdays terribly seriously. That’s not right or wrong, just different.

cccameron · 07/10/2019 06:15

I think your husband was sweet and romantic--the night alone is lovely

No its not lovely because what the OP wanted was her friends and family there. It was the opposite of what she wanted for her birthday and her DH knew this.

And the idea that she is spoilt or that she is behaving selfishly because she isn't feeling lucky that he disregarded her wishes just sums up how deeply ingrained patriarchy is

Exactly this. God this thread is depressing.

BlackCatSleeping · 07/10/2019 06:22

You really think that your family would have wanted to have lunch on your actual birthday? Really? I doubt they cared that it wasn’t the actual day.

Yeah, I really hate seeing my family on their actual birthday. Yuk! Who gives a shit? How self absorbed could you be to want to send your birthday with family and friends? Oh, wait...

cccameron · 07/10/2019 06:26

There are some real cuntish replies on here. Self indulgent, spoilt, brattish, narcissistic. WTF. Just because someone is a bit disappointed her wishes were completely disregarded on her 40th birthday

And then come the bigger twats. The ones suggesting that obviously her friends weren't interested at all in celebrating with her and her family wouldn't have been arsed about seeing her on her birthday anyway. With absolutely no evidence of this, so just downright nasty keyboard bullying

Depressing reading

Dumplings4dinner · 07/10/2019 06:33

I think organising a party is too much of a request. I would not want to be organising a party for someone’s birthday that is too much of an expectation. But he should have told you at the time so that you could have organised it yourself

hadenough · 07/10/2019 07:11

Gosh you sound like bloody hard work.

Why on earth did you allow him to organise a surprise if you had a very set way of how you wanted the day to be?

You sound incredibly ungrateful and entitled. Your DH must get exhausted.

Goatinthegarden · 07/10/2019 07:24

I get that you’re disappointed, but if you have such a specific idea of what you want or need, just do it yourself.

If someone ‘surprises me’ then I accept that it might not be exactly what my heart desires and I am grateful for the effort.

I also don’t get the point of instructing someone to buy you a specific present either...my DH and I just don’t buy each other presents. We don’t have DC so treat ourselves pretty regularly anyway.

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 07:29

Actually no, I don’t think it matters if family don’t see you on your actual birthday, as long as they see you for your birthday.

The thing is, the OP didn’t actually want a surprise did she? She said to surprise her but then set out exactly what she wanted and how and when he did it as, you know, a surprise, so dinner with her and the kids, dinner with the family, night away with him she gets annoyed because her friends weren’t a part of it.

You can’t have it both ways. Either you want a surprise in which case you take what you’re given, or you don’t in which case you organise it yourself.

AufderAutobahn · 07/10/2019 07:35

Supposing what he had got her was tickets to a prestigious sporting event for a sport she hates but he loves, followed by a night out with his (not her) best mate and him. What would everyone say?

That's really not the same thing! If he had arranged a party for his wife at somewhere only he liked, invited only his mates but none of her friends or family and did everything on his terms, then that would be more like an equivalent. But her DH hasn't organised a party according only to his wishes, he tried to get approximately what the OP wanted and didn't succeed.
Given the effort he went to with the family lunches and night in a hotel, it sounds like not involving friends was either an oversight or a logistics problem rather than a selfish disregard for OP's wishes. He clearly did try.

Swinningforza · 07/10/2019 07:38

Why doesn't the op have a read of this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3710994-To-get-ready-for-disappointment-on-my-birthday

Swinningforza · 07/10/2019 07:38

And possibly have a teeny tiny reality check.

ChickenyChick · 07/10/2019 07:44

Sorry but I think you are unreasonable

You had very specific wishes (a huge surprise party with all your friends, like in movies), and he organised what he thought you’d like , really made an effort , but it’s not exactly what you wanted

If you wanted a massive party for your 40th, why not just organise it yourself?!

Lexplorer · 07/10/2019 07:50

How much effort does arranging a night in a hotel and a lunch really take? Come on, are women conditioned to accept less than 50% effort from men? He didn't even get the perfume right so 100% fail there. Are we supposed to clap the fact he actually managed to order something that smelt and came in a box?

Loopytiles · 07/10/2019 07:52

You wanted two celebrations - think it would’ve been best to organise the one with friends yourself.

I would ask for receipts to exchange the gifts.

DeathStare · 07/10/2019 07:54

I think organising a party is too much of a request

Really? Women manage to do it all the time - often several a year - without incident. Do you mean it's too much to expect of a man?

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