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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
Butterfly84 · 07/10/2019 17:52

OP, you are being ungrateful. He's put a lot of effort into organising all that and he clearly did try to do what you asked.

The 'no friends invited' thing: how could he possibly have obtained the numbers of all your friends from your phone without you knowing? Could he really have done that? He probably took 'I would like to see all my family and friends' as you want to see those you're closest to. Just organise a nice dinner out with your friends now to celebrate your birthday.

Regarding the expensive present, I get that you're a bit annoyed about that, especially if you share finances. However, your DH chose it because he thought you'd like it. It's special because he chose it.

Wills · 07/10/2019 17:52

i've just celebrated my 50th - my way! I've been with my husband 30 years and he does try, but he hates parties and I adore them. For his 30th i organised a surprise birthday party for him. He didn't like it! I thought that maybe I'd gone about it the wrong way and tried again with a surprise party for his 40th. By his 50th i'd learnt and bought him a dream holiday for the pair of us (we have 4 kids and his idea of bliss is getting me to himself!). Equally my husband can rarely think outside of his box and couldn't understand why I'd want a birthday party for my 50th (let alone 40th or 30th). He regularly misses the mark even when i send him specific lists with web links etc. Gradually I've started to get my own gifts and simply hand them to him to wrap OR now that two of our children can go shopping point out to them what i'd like. I resent the waste of money on gifts that are not me and have given up getting angry that he 'doesn't think'. its not worth the energy, he's crap at presents but there are sooooo many things he's fantastic at and I concentrate on those instead.

FelicisNox · 07/10/2019 17:53

@WelcomeToShootingStars I think your comment is beyond rude.

What precisely is wrong with being high maintenance anyway? I'm high maintenance and it's fine. You know why? Because 9 times out of 10 it is ME that is maintaining it.

Also, what is wrong with getting upset about your birthday when your DH has totally raised your expectations by ASKING you what you want for your birthday to then do the exact opposite? Hmm

The only reason OP had all of these high faluting ideas in the 1st place is because of her OH.

@Dairymilkfordinner your husband is a typical bloke; says one thing, does another so no, YANBU, you are not spoilt and you're not overly high maintenance.... your expectations were raised and dashed and no one is immune to feeling a bit sad.

It's also not your problem that other peoples DH are more shit than yours (they CHOOSE to put up with these dumb standard men) or that (sadly) some folks DH have departed.

Contact your friends, roll your eyes at each other over his typical male ineptitude and organise a nice spa weekend away.... also, do NOT let him plan your 50th Grin

angelfacecuti75 · 07/10/2019 17:54

Just organise a belated birthday party for yourself and say your like the queen so you are having 2 birthdays this year xx

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/10/2019 17:56

Jeez Louise - what a brat!!!

MommaDuck · 07/10/2019 17:58

I’d say you’re very very lucky! To have a husband that’s organised so much, too have family to celebrate with.
This year I shall be buying my own Christmas and my own 30th birthday day presents to wrap up from up children because I don’t want them to feel bad on my birthday and Christmas when they see I don’t have any gifts. Unfortunately they are now at an age where they would recognise this and it would make them sad. Because there is no one else to do this for them.
I hope one day I am as blessed as you are to have someone take me and my children for lunch and to book us a night away together, that would be wonderful.

Dilovescake21 · 07/10/2019 18:03

No I totally get what you’re feeling. It’s like no one actually listened to what you really wanted. Similar stuff happens to me on birthdays and Christmas- you feel guilty for feeling annoyed but it’s like your’re invisible and nobody takes any notice of what you really like or are interested in. Happy birthday anyway!

manicmij · 07/10/2019 18:03

You are right, it is only a birthday. Appreciate what you were given, could be many reasons why you didnt get showered in all you wanted. Lesson for the next '0' birthday, do it yourself!

westenddweller · 07/10/2019 18:05

What is the deal with the 40th birthday?

You're only 365 days older than 39! And 365 days less than 41!

We're driven by commercial crap and when I think of the money wasted on milestone birthdays, I shudder. Donate it to people who really need it.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 07/10/2019 18:05

Sorry to everyone having a bad time.

OP I can understand your disappointment because he asked you, and it's a one off thing. What was arranged was nice & I can tell you did appreciate that. Its just expectation and the meaning of having your friends there.

(Not read full thing sorry just half, on the wing...)

TheCherries · 07/10/2019 18:06

I haven’t had a chance to read all the replies but my experience with my husband is he will hear one thing out of a list of items and see to it that one thing is done and not take in the rest. It sounds like yours did the same.

Write everything down and send links to things you want. The o my way to be crystal clear.

Never too late to celebrate with friends. For my 40th year I planned lots of little celebrations with friends so I could spend quality time with them and not one big party. Go forth and plan those events or that party you fancy and just say to your DH that you don’t want your celebrations to end so you are just planning more.

Oly4 · 07/10/2019 18:09

I think what your husband did sounds lovely.
I organised my own 40th with my pals! Just book a weekend away with them or something

reefedsail · 07/10/2019 18:12

Meh. It's my 40th soon and I've booked (and paid for) exactly what I want to do with the people I want to do it with.

I also asked for a specific item, with links provided!

Isn't the best thing about being thoroughly middle-aged that you've learned to self-advocate well enough to get things done the way you want? Why rely on somebody else guessing what's in your head.

mencken · 07/10/2019 18:14

he got all your family together for a surprise, that's amazing. And a lot of effort and expense for all concerned.

newsflash - people may not want or be able to travel from 'all over the country'. Sorry.

as for the fuckwit 'typical bloke' sexist post a bit above .... poor man who lives with that one!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 07/10/2019 18:22

OP it’s ok to be disappointed, anyone else saying otherwise frankly need to stop projecting or just being vile because it’s AIBU Hmm

I’ve read you posts, your haven’t come across as ungrateful, selfish or lacked gratitude, your posts simply shout disappointment and from what you’ve said it’s a perfectly normally natural reaction.

nuxe1984 · 07/10/2019 18:26

You feel deflated because you had specific expectations which didn't happen.

I suspect that he possibly didnt know exactly which friends you'd want to celebrate with or how to contact them.

Organise a belated event yourself.

Cheesoholic · 07/10/2019 18:29

Some people on here are such dicks. Ignore them and look to the ones actually offering practical advice. Here's mine:

Swallow the silly feelings about exchanging gifts and DO IT! I cannot picture a person who would not prefer you simply exchange for the correct fragrance! I'd be so upset if I'd spent all of that money om a special gift then found out that he recipient hadn't simply exchanged for the right one if I got it slightly wrong! They want you to have your favourite and thought they'd bought that, so just correct the purchase to the right one!

Arrange a birthday get together with your friends in a couple of weeks. Find a day / evening most are free and leave hubby with the kids.

Grumpyperson · 07/10/2019 18:29

one of your main requests was to celebrate with your friends and then they weren't involved at all, wouldn't you feel a bit disappointed

I would have organised it myself. I wouldn't expect my husband to contact my friends, I'd only expect him to organise something for us.

For my 40th I had lunch with family and friends that I organised, and went to Edinburgh the following weekend for afternoon tea at the Balmoral with DH, DS and DM, and then we went out for a meal in the evening, the latter organised by DH.

It’s strange when you said to your friends that it was all a surprise that they didn’t message your DH to find out what was happening

Agree with this, but then they might not have his details. That said, a few know where DH works and he does have an inactive account on Facebook (inactive in that he never uses it, not that he's deactivated it) so they could message him there. But that would assume you had friends who liked you enough to make the effort to do that. And if they are to organise something between them they'd have to be friends with each other, lots of people have friends from different areas of life who don't know each other.

Raphael34 · 07/10/2019 18:30

Do you want to swap oh’s? I can’t remember the last time I got a present. I’m not bothered because I’m a grown up. You got a meal in a restaurant with him and your children, expensive gifts, a romantic night in a hotel just the two of you, then a lovely meal with your family the next day. You need to give your head a wobble imo

BritInUS1 · 07/10/2019 18:42

Sounds like your OH went to a lot of effort and you sound really ungrateful

peachdribble · 07/10/2019 18:43

I would exchange some gifts so they’re not wasted and arrange something else with friends- nothing wrong with prolonging birthday celebrations!

Wildwomendoandtheydontregretit · 07/10/2019 18:55

Bit late to the party but just having had my 40th I can totally relate. I’m sorry you feel upset. I totally understand your point of view. Sometimes people just don’t understand how you feel. It’s not ungrateful - it’s hard to describe. This is why I decided to sort it all myself. Instead of a party which I don’t like I booked a few different things with different friends, a dinner with my parents and takeaway with the rest of my family as not all could afford eating in a restaurant. Then, as DP is also 40 in December I booked a 4 day trip away to somewhere we both wanted to go and had a lovely time (even though the weather was colder than expected). I’ve still got some celebrations to come and present wise I sent pictures of gifts starting from very low prices so all family/friends knew what I would like and accommodated all budgets. So I feel happy that it’s all gone ok. Those of you that have big birthdays coming up take note and organise it yourself. I’ve learnt that doing this makes a happy time for all. And for those of you that didn’t last time make sure you do it next time. Wink

TooLittleTooLate80 · 07/10/2019 18:58

YABU and hard work

FontSnob · 07/10/2019 19:16

I’m a dreadful birthday brat. There are reasons for it, but equally i am aware that I spoil my own birthday with my expectations that my husband usually doesn’t meet. It’s my issue but equally it’s not that hard to spoil a loved one for one day of the year, especially when they’re told specifics. I do it for everyone else in the family and i’m not such a brat under usual circumstances. So I hear you OP, don’t listen to those calling you high maintenance/hard etc. You know yourself, they don’t.

gill1960 · 07/10/2019 19:19

He didn't listen to your very specific requests about how you wanted to spend your birthday.

I would also be upset at being ignored.
Can you rebook your friends for a good old natter and catch up ... which was what you wanted?

I wouldn't trust your husband to arrange anything ever again ... he let you down badly by ignoring your thought out plans and wishes for a maximum birthday fun that you told him about.