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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
bizboz · 07/10/2019 07:55

I think you can't reasonably want a "surprise" birthday and at the same time have a very specific idea of what you want. It will never meet your expectations. How close are your DH and your friends? I don't think I have contact details for any of my DH's friends, nor does he have any of mine. I think with friends, it's much easier for you to arrange things yourself as you have the relationship with them.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 08:07

You could have a bloke like mine that couldn’t give a shit! OP shouldn't have to be extra grateful that she isn't in an unhealthy relationship with someone who doesn't care. It isn't on her that other people are in bad relationships and I don't think people should be grateful that she isn't. It's a bloody low bar if women just think "well at least he loves me, well at least he doesn't abuse me". Personally I expect more than the bare minimum

AuntieMarys · 07/10/2019 08:42

Me too sleeping
Are birthdays considered wifework I wonder?
And people think "Oh bless him, he did his best".

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 08:50

I do wonder on some people's expectations AuntieMary

I do get why OP is disappointed that she asked for XYZ and got XWZ instead. Only she knows if DH tried his best but missed the mark, or if he's a controlling arse who did it on purpose. Sounds like the former.

Def organise a girls weekend away @Dairymilkfordinner even if it isn't specifically for your 40th. My friends and I went to scho together so all turn an age within the year iyswim so we try to book something big for in the middle of dates

Dumplings4dinner · 07/10/2019 10:30

No I dont do parties

I do lots of smaller gatherings and even my dc birthdays are small gatherings.

I wouldn’t want to organise a party for someone but I would tell them this if they asked or hinted.

CoastalWave · 07/10/2019 10:34

My 40th was spent in agony having just given birth. I got one card and everyone else (and I QUOTE) thought I wasn't going to celebrate because I'd just had a baby.

In general I'm lucky to get a couple of cards and a couple of presents each year so you need to wake up and realise how lucky you are.

I do realise that social media shows you exactly how spoilt other people get on their 40th birthdays, but just ignore.

PepePig · 07/10/2019 10:40

YABU and selfish. He made lots of effort.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 11:32

@CoastalWave was the card and present from your DP?

Swinningforza · 07/10/2019 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

zonkin · 07/10/2019 12:50

YANBU. And the competitive misery on this thread is unbelievable. Almost a Mumsnet parody.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 12:54

but more that the ops attitude is pissy, ungrateful and self-centred
^Woman wants 40thborthday to be about what she'd enjoy^. Burn her at the stake!!!!! Fancy imagining your 40th is about YOU op.

OP has said the presents and celebrations were lovely, doesn't sound like she cried, stamped her foot, sulked, yelled etc. How is she being pisssy and ungrateful?

derxa · 07/10/2019 13:00

My DH is a wonderful present giver. He asks directly, 'What do you want?' Then he buys it. This Christmas I'm getting a shepherd's crook.

OP you were far too vague. Your DH sounds lovely.

Icecreamsoda99 · 07/10/2019 13:05

You sound like me OP, you have a very specific idea in your head but at the same time want to be surprised, and like me you like organising events for others and going the extra mile. The only answer is to organize it yourself as no one else will be able to do your vision you way, are you a bit of a perfectionist as well? Movies lie to us, you have to create your own fairytale or relax and accept it is never going to be like you imagined unless you do it yourself. You can always delegate the work, e.g. send the invites yourself but have DH handle the RSVPs etc.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 07/10/2019 13:08

Don’t want to do the ‘competitive misery’ thing but I spent my 40th in intensive care with my sick DC so I can’t really bring myself to feel sorry for the OP.

zonkin · 07/10/2019 16:08

@Bubbinsmakesthree you "didn't want to do the competitive misery thing" but you couldn't help yourself I suppose.

AufderAutobahn · 07/10/2019 17:24

@Dairymilkfordinner on my last significant birthday, I had a spa day with a meal afterwards and it was lovely. Maybe you could arrange something similar? Somewhere accessible/central for you and your friends if you're all scattered about the country? I appreciate it may take a while to sort but it might be an extra special way to celebrate as well as a chance to reconnect with good friends?

Mummadeeze · 07/10/2019 17:33

I understand why some people are being negative towards the OP because I too can not even imagine having a partner who would be kind enough to even acknowledge my birthday but as others are saying, there is no need to compare her relationship to abusive ones like some of us have on here. In all honesty, I know I should raise my standards, not tell OP to lower hers. However, it does sound like he tried his best and I would be nothing but grateful to his face even if you are secretly disappointed. The only way I get lovely celebrations that I enjoy with the people close to me is by organising them myself. That way they are perfect and I never feel let down. So next time, just say that you would really enjoy doing all the planning and tailor the day / evening exactly how you want it.

awesomeness · 07/10/2019 17:33

Think what he did was fine, yes it wasn't perfect for you.

But he bothered

LouH1981 · 07/10/2019 17:38

Happy Birthday xx I can see why you might feel a bit frustrated especially as he asked but it still seems as if he has put a lot of thought and organisation in to it for you. I think it sounds like he tried quite hard. Maybe organise a separate meal with your friends as a belated get together? I wouldn’t be too hard on him xx

adviceseeker1975 · 07/10/2019 17:38

I don’t think you’re being ungrateful at all. Why ask what you want to do and what presents you’d like to ignore you? I was really pissed off about my 40th, said I wanted cocktails in town, had a soirée thrown in my house and I had to clear up the next day!

Wacawaca19 · 07/10/2019 17:45

I think it’s a shame you feel that way and you might regret not appreciating it more.

Brian9600 · 07/10/2019 17:47

He organised a good birthday for you, just not quite what you wanted. I don’t think anyone needs to be blamed, just in future say you’ll organise things yourself. Why not arrange to go for a drink with your friends now?

On presents, I think you’re being a bit ungrateful. FWIW I find it very odd that an adult would give her partner exact instructions- why not just buy it yourself if you’re going to do that?

TequilaPilates · 07/10/2019 17:48

Who bought the wrong presents - DH or family members?

If it was members of your family how is that DHS fault?

Plus a party or meal for friends and family is expensive. Maybe he couldn't afford to take all of the extended family out for a meal and then throw a party for all the friends too.

Did he do just what he could afford?

AlansLeftMoob · 07/10/2019 17:50

I think he went above and beyond and he sounds incredibly thoughtful. Why don't you organise a night out with your friends for 2 or 3 weeks time as a belated celebration? I don't understand when you say it's too late to organise something. Surely at this age the gathering with friends will be enjoyable even though your birthday will have passed?

KarmaStar · 07/10/2019 17:51

Yabu.If you genuinely appreciated all he had done for you this post would not exist.