To wonder how the fuck people have sex?

[HerRoyalFattyness]

Earlier on this evening all 3 kids (10, 5 and 4) were engrossed in screens with headphones on. DP upstairs putting washing away.

So I go upstairs and initiate a quickie while the kids are distracted. Just as we get naked we hear "ummm... Mum, there's a problem"
"What?"
"DD has done a poo and it's everywhere... Even on the toilet seat. I think it's diarrhoea"
"Ok we'll sort it"

Mood completely killed, 5 year old was hosed down with the shower while DP cleaned up her mess in the downstairs loo.

It's now 20 to 11, kids all asleep. As is DP! So that's my plans ruined!

We've been together nearly 12 years now, how on earth are we meant to make intimacy a priority in our relationship with kids and exhaustion just trying to ruin it all?

Alarm clock and a chewing gum?

I get it. You tell your kids not to come in because mummy and daddy are making a bomb.

Genius!

You tell your kids not to come in because mummy and daddy are making a bomb

Hiding the fact you're at it by pretending to be terrorists. Genius!

I get it. You tell your kids not to come in because mummy and daddy are making a bomb.*

Best suggestion yet! Genius!

And when mummy screams it's because it exploded?

I get it. You tell your kids not to come in because mummy and daddy are making a bomb.

I imagine school would be much more interested if little Timmy said that than 'mummy & daddy had a nudey cuddle with the door locked'

You have to be inventive.
When mine were kids it wasn't unusual to have a quickie outside in the bushes in decent weather once we had got them occupied indoors.
Behind the bedroom door while we're ' sorting the beds / laundry / tidying up ' etc.
Quick and quiet, or as we called it ' stealth sex '
When they were teens, we just carried on with the 'stealth sex '
Fortunately, as teens they were out of the house more than they were in it.

And when mummy screams it's because it exploded?

I thought of this thread yesterday afternoon because husband came home from work early, I was working from home. Just getting revved when we realised that it was school kicking out time and our crotch fruits were likely to be on their way home imminently. We left a note on the hall table to say we were out in the garden picking up dog shit and if they got home and we were still out there they could come and help us if they wanted or there were snacks on the side in the kitchen. They ate snacks, we shagged in the shed.

baker
Glad you found a way around your children being inconsiderate and daring to come home after school!

OP our DC are 9 and 6.

On a Saturday morning as a 'treat' they are allowed to play Minecraft in their PJs before breakfast. They look forward to it all week. Gives DH and I a good hour to ourselves in bed! It's only been possible for the past year or so, so there is definitely light at the end of your tunnel...

@thebakerwithboobs 😂