I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

I think the poster who said we shouldn’t invest in this might have a valid point

I am not having “time off”.

You are having time off paid work. Which is the point the PP was making.

"Take the easy option - oops-pregnant. Baby will come, you’ll get by, everyone will adore baby. Not a problem"

Oops pregnant! Jesus Christ. The decision to have a baby, another human being isn't a casual decision. Holy fuck.

And by he OP's own admission, they can't afford it.

Buy hey ho, let the guy suck it up, and break his arse working to pay for a situation he had no say in.

Op,
How many people look back and when their children were very small it was a financial struggle?
Yet after that few years, things were ok. I would ignore those saying get a termination.

Its up to you to decide what you can live with, with regards to telling your dog the truth. But I would look at getting any kind of work I could for the earlier part of the pregnancy, evening bar work that kind of thing. And just embrace it.
It’s up to you whether you wish to confess or not to not taking your pill.
But I wouldn’t listen too much to those on here saying have an abortion. Your husband will love this child, and so many families struggle for a little while through the early years. Yet ten years later, two kids at school and a good few years of two full time wages, I would bet none of them wish they hadn’t had their second child.
Good luck

seaweedandmarchingbands let's not do that. It's very boring. RedskyLastNight was correct about the point I was making, which I think you knew!

@SherbetSaucer this is about as low as it gets! You’re literally disgusting!!! Your poor DH!!! I hope he finds out what a sub-human you are and leaves you immediately

Tad dramatic, don't you think?!

An under reaction considering how disgusting the OPs actions have been. If it was a man tricking a women into pregnancy you’d all be outraged but I always make the mistake of forgetting the Mumsnet Double Standards!!

That was my thought too when I read the opening post mmmblows. In that case the court concluded that as he'd lied about his ability to father a child it made her consent to sex irrelevant as that wasn't what she was consenting to... I do wonder whether a court would view this scenario in a similar light. I certainly don't feel the husband can have consented to sex if he was under the belief that it was protected when it wasn't.

OP, it's true that your actions are a poor poor case of judgement. (I'm also broody as hell for another child, have been for years and my DH doesn't want any more. Despite how upsetting this is for me i would never even consider deceiving him- and let's be fair here, you're not talking about one pill, you're talking about a pre-meditated deceipt that went on for days with you making that same choice time after time). Having said that, what's done is done. I also thi k talking to your DH and not lying is the best and morally right way forward.

WaterOffaDucksCrack

I don’t “know”, no. It sounds like you think caring for children is “time off”, unless I was mistaken about your meaning.

I did the same thing. We have our beautiful 3 year old dd. We struggled. Life is only now getting better financially. I dont regret her.

In your situation I would tell DH the pregnancy was an accident. Then make a plan together regarding how you can afford a second child. Perhaps you could work evenings or weekends casually? Anything would help. Better imo to have two children closer in age anyway as they will grow up together. A lot of parents struggle financially in the early years with two young children, you'll be fine :)
I wouldn't have a termination in your situation... or at least in haste, as you really do want to have a second child and may regret it, particularly if you struggle to conceive again in the future.
Good luck

@SherbetSaucer this is about as low as it gets! You’re literally disgusting!!! Your poor DH!!! I hope he finds out what a sub-human you are and leaves you immediately

Oh my word... how nasty!

No wonder op has done a disappearing act!

"Take the easy option - oops-pregnant. Baby will come, you’ll get by, everyone will adore baby. Not a problem"

Yeah let's just not give a shit that's she's massively betrayed her husbands trust and he should just suck this up because everyone adores the baby

Yes, exactly, just lie.

Blimey there’s some judgy people on here. Your DH wouldn’t listen to your need to have another child, why should what he wants trump what you want? Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Tell him it was an accident, that’s almost the truth. And try not to worry, you’ll get by.

Oh for goodness sakes - what a bunch of sanctimonious holier than thou truth - tellers. Take the easy option - oops-pregnant. Baby will come, you’ll get by, everyone will adore baby. Not a problem.

Here was me thinking that telling the truth was the default. Apparently lying about creating an actual person is fine and anyone who thinks otherwise is ‘holier than thou’ rather than, you know, normal.

Tell him it was an accident, that’s almost the truth.

It isn't almost the truth. It's a lie. He has been deceived.

I can't believe a website going mental over an obvious innocent text by a spouse to an opposite sex is ok with lying about contraceptive, using a man as unwilling sperm donor, and then pretending to feel guilty is fine with the latter!

Shame on all of you not condemning this. You are just making lives of other women (and man)more difficult.
Shame on you.

@Leflic

Oh do fuck off? Well forgive me if I consider creating another human being as a life changing event, for me, my DH and the baby.

But hey ho crack on. 'Society' will provide.

What's done is done. Will it help your dh if he knows how it happened or will it give him greater problems/anguish?

For his sake I wouldn't tell him although I would actually find it difficult to do so as I'm naturally very honest.

What’s done is done? A man has been completely deceived by trusting his deceiving piece of shit wife! Why should be accept what this asshole has done??

I've not rtft but it is what it is and you can't reverse. Please don't terminate... this baby was conceived in love. Get a job, you're early enough where you won't need to disclose it.
Save up the pennies then take your mat leave
I think if you terminate your heart will break. There are worse things that can happen in life than a wee baby. Breastfeed if you can... it's free lol! You can do this girl x

Catsandchardonnay, what the fuck is wrong with you? There is no NEED to have another child, they’re completely optional and not a human right. Better yet they shouldn’t even be and option for those who trick and trap their spouses because of their selfish fucking choices.

Johnlenonn, please don’t be ridiculous. The embryo was not ‘conceived out of love’ because one party didn’t know what exactly they were signing up for and yes a baby CAN and IS the worst thing in the world to those who don’t bloody want it.

My god. Don’t tell her husband because it’ll upset him more? Bullshit. All it does is enable his shitty wife to get away with her shitty move. How exactly would any of you feel if you couldn’t afford another child and didn’t WANT one only to have your partner (who you’re meant trust oddly enough!) sabotage your contraception and then have the audacity to lie about it. Would you be pissed? Of course you bloody would.

I’ll say it again, this man deserves the truth. He didn’t consent to this or agree to having anger child now. The OP could very well feel ‘broody’ and want another child after her second sabotage and decide to do the exact same thing. How is that fair? Honestly women out there relying on the old broody made me do it excuse - sorry no. You’re pathetic. Your want to have a child doesn’t overrule your partner’s want not to have one. If you want a kid with an unwilling partner leave them and get a spend donor. Or is that too much work as tricking one’s spouse into providing for h wanted children seems to common and encouraged here.

It is about an adult acknowledging that sex can equal pregnancy and that the pill isn’t 100% effective. Therefore if a pregnancy is absolutely not what you want, it is sensible to take additional precautions.

Yeah... you’re not really getting this are you JacquesHammer?

OP I would come clean to your husband but make it clear you will be getting an evening job (to fit around his hours) as soon as you tell him. Hopefully that will lessen the inevitable stress he will feel about having another mouth to feed.

Your DH wouldn’t listen to your need to have another child, why should what he wants trump what you want?

Umm perhaps because they discussed it and agreed to wait a couple of years as having a baby now is not financially viable and would negatively impact on their existing son. But don’t let reality get in the way if your ‘blame the man’ narrative