I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

Isn’t it fortunate I’ve already said the Op behaved appallingly

Ah yes a quick nod to the OP then multiple posts blaming the DH and men in general for everything. Yawn. Predictable

Jacques no I didn't examine in detail every one of your posts among 188.

The bloke can't win. Fuck him that he didn't double up on contraception, and he has no say in a decision about an abortion, just like he had no say in the pregnancy.

But yeah, it's his fault.

JacquesHammer (not tagged ) you haven't really dealt with the issue of consent at all as far as I can see.

Fuelling discussion about the whys and wherefores of using multiple modes of contraception, success rates and men's responsibilities is all noble and important stuff. Doesn't really address the issue of the wilful deceit here and hence is irrelevant.

@MrsNotNice

You think it's understandable to lie and deliberately manipulate your husband over something as important as this?
That really horrifies me, what else would you lie about ?

@Hopoindown31

Exactly.

This is why I think it is reasonable to make some comparison here to cases where a woman has willingly taken the risk of having sex with a man, thinking it is protected sex with a condom, but actually he has secretly removed the condom, or deliberately ripped it. Should she have insisted on using the femidom at the same time, or being in full view of the condom right up until penetration if she wants to be allowed to claim rape or gbh if she later discovers she has contracted HIV or is pregnant? Or should she be told she is actually blameworthy for having sex and relying on the man to be honest and behave as he promised?

I think you owe him some honesty. Tell him what happened. Make a (genuine) offer to terminate/ get a job if you're comfortable doing some, and see what he wants to do.

I hope your relationship survives this.

The amount of posters suggesting the OP lies is shocking.

Funny how women expect 100% honesty from men otherwise 'it's a deal dealbreaker', but when I'm a tight spot... yeah... just lie.

And then wonder why so many men think women are natural born liars.

@alwaysmovingforwards

Yeah but the patriarchy!!!

OP still not back then?

Of course not. She'll do exactly as she pleases, carry on with the pregnancy and try to skive out of getting a job and expecting her H to carry the entire financial load despite their both agreeing the SAHM gaff needs to come to an end as they cannot afford it.

My God, this is shocking. I cannot believe the amount of posters advocating for further deception. One poster even called the OP 'poor thing' as though her DH's decision forced the helpless OP to lie and deceive.

Classic MN. Blame the man for not using contraception in a long-term relationship where birth control was decided between both parties. Blame the man for not wanting a second child despite them not being able to afford it, thereby forcing the OP to lie. Blame the man...every.time.

And btw, everyone can see that what the OP did is just as bad as a man poking holes in a condom, removing a condom during sex or lying about a vastectomy. It is deception and manipulation and the gender does not change that. At least if a woman finds herself pregnant due to her partner's treachery, she has the option to abort. A man has NO options if a woman lies to get herself impregnated.

Worse place to post this ever is MN OP. Take it down.. it will just make you feel 10x worse. Trust me. A lot of dramatic people who love to stick the knife in on here. 🙄

Wow this is one of the worst and most depressing posts I've seen on here for a long while. I never knew so many members of this site were so selfish, stupid and lazy

OP if you're still there.

You need to tell him what you did and why you did it if you want to save this marriage.

You can't sustain a relationship based on this kind of lie.

Yes it's scary going back to work, but you need to own the fact that you wanted to opt out, and realise that for him it's scary and exhausting to carry the financial burden alone.

If I were your husband I would listen and work something out, but only if you're being completely honest.

(Am I the only poster who now has this urge to tag JacquesHammer?)

Mic drop post from OP

Ha ha @Aridane

How on earth did you not think you'd really get pregnant? Pretend to yourself all you want, but this was calculated. Just because you feel guilty now doesn't mean this isn't the exact reason you stopped taking the pill.
You may as well go ahead with this pregnancy now. Waiting until your eldest was in school would have been a daft idea anyway, you'd have taken a pay cut all over again.
But you can't be a SAHM to this child. A solution would be to stay at home for six months, then work different times to your partner. That worked well for us.
As to whether you tell him, I don't have a clue. You should. But it might end your marriage.
Even if you don't, he is bound to be suspicious and it might come out in future.

So she's made a mistake and done something to break her husband's trust... lying isn't going to fix this it will definitely make it worse so that advice is shit...

But what I don't understand is how on earth people on here think it's acceptable to be so judgemental and spiteful (calling OP 'vile') as if they've never made a mistake before - maybe not as big as this, maybe bigger - the point is, it isn't actually anyone's business to slate OP over HER mistake.

OP, own up and sort it out for the sake of your family.

@Aridane

Listen OP it's all fine, it's not all doom & gloom. Talk to your husband, get any job & delete this thread. It's really not the end of the world nor your marriage

If any party feels a pregnancy would be a disaster they should be at least willing to contribute towards ensuring that doesn’t happen.

Surely in a healthy relationship the discussion is had whereby contraception is discussed. If one is taking ownership of the very effective contraception, the other would be within their rights to take that at face value.
Yes they must also accept their is a slight slight chance that a pregnancy could occur, but they accept that slight risk by having sex. Not the case here though.

OP you and you alone behaved appallingly and you rightly so should be ashamed of yourself.

You need to be honest with your DH. This was not a knee jerk, missed one or 2 pills it was a month long plan.

Why would you put your husband in that situation !!!

From the sounds of things either you wouldn't be able to lie to your husband or he will guess you messed with your contraception, after all you said only 4 months ago about another.

Be honest with him, but also know what you want to do about your pregnancy so you can discuss that too. Your relationship may not survive this as you've lied and gone against him.

You've done wrong here, and you acknowledge this. You are already feeling huge guilt, do not keep lying or you'll lie for the rest of your life and it will eat you up even though it will be really hard to confess.

Tell hub, tell hub everything, explain you felt depressed, hormonally broody and have been incredibly stupid in putting you, DH and DS in a difficult financial position. Be contrite, apologetic and prepare for DH to be justifiably angry, worried about finances and hugely disappointed in your actions. Then, once he's had time to process this - as two people who had sex and understand the potential consequences (nothing is infallible although its a lot less fallible if you take the pill!) decide what you will both do about the situation you both find yourself in, he deserves to have input and honesty. Whatever you decide you also need to discuss where your relationship goes from here and how you will rebuild the trust, as without trust, communication and honesty about how you are both feeling this relationship will not survive irrespective of the pregnancy.

You're in the situation now, do your best from here in to make it right.