I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

Op?

OP, you ask how you can mend things. Tell the truth. Recognise that this is your responsibilty and get a job to take pressure off your husband. You know he trusted you and you let him down. He may react badly but it is a risk you need to take.Whether to continue with the pregnancy is your decision, whether he stays with you is his.Ask yourself whether he might resent the child.

DS is likely going to miss out on things

He certainly is. Having his father around full-time as a parent, for a start:, if the OP confesses her deception. There is no coming back from that kind of lie.

And the poor bloody DH will still end up paying both for the existing child, whom he presumably wanted and loved (OP has not implied otherwise) and the impending one, which he evidently does not want. And any future children he might have with a more trustworthy partner will miss out a bit too, because broody-baby will need paying for.

Well done, OP.

Your future might involve a bit more going out to work than you imagined. Oh, and a termination might fix some of the above, but your husband will always suspect you. Dangerous things, those 'hormones'.

Meh. What was your husband doing to prevent he was dead set against?

Depressing, but not surprising, to see the ‘If in doubt, blame the man’ crowd coming out.

The number of posters saying ‘Don’t beat yourself up, these things happen, the pill could have failed anyway’ is disturbing. This isn’t something that just ‘happened’. The OP deliberately stopped taking the pill and lied about doing so. She MADE it happen. She might claim she’s ‘stunned’ to be pregnant, but the reality is that getting pregnant when you’re regularly having unprotected sex is one of the least stunning events in the world.

The pill may very well have a 2% failure rate. Do you know what has a 100% failure rate as a method of contraception? Doing nothing.

Make no mistake - this was planned. Those people advising the OP to have a termination are wasting their breath. She has no intention of doing so because there was no accident.

I feel for you.
I was in a similar situation 20 years ago and I did the same thing as you.
I totally understand.

If woman posted that she'd got pregnant because they were meant to be using condoms but her husband was secretly taking them off, there would be a flurry of replies saying

• it was her fault for not sorting her own contraception as well
• these things happen and obviously condoms are not 100% reliable anyway
• she should on no account LTB as it was not his fault because of testosterone

.... actually happened on no MN thread ever ....

You did something wrong. You know it was wrong. That doesn’t mean you need to terminate your pregnancy. It just means you have to do your best to mitigate the harm. Where can you cut costs? Can you consider going back to work?

In all honesty, I usually advocate telling the truth but in this case it won’t help. Don’t.

You got what you wanted. You threw the pills down the drain and lied to your husband.

You need to talk to him and be honest. If not, are you able to lie to him for the next 40 or 50 years?

You’ve made a deliberate attempt to get pregnant so you need to confess to your husband.

Good luck with your marriage.

I'm getting quite sick of the 'poor OP, the man should have took precautions' posts, to be honest.

I don't mean any harm to OP. She knows what she did is wrong, and she needs to own up to it and let her husband have an input in the pregnancy rather than hoodwinking him any further. If she is honest, stops being a SAHM immediately and starts bringing in money etc, I can see them getting through it.

However, can we please stop blaming the man. He did nothing wrong. No one deserves to be tricked into having a child they clearly don't want. OP didn't accidentally mess up the timings of one pill... she stopped taking them for an entire month and didn't once think to say to DH. That's deception and manipulation. It's abusive behaviour.

If you're married to someone and in a long term relationship, you should be able to take each other at each other's word. Hormones isn't an excuse. It's like a man saying he has lots of testosterone so that's why he hit his partner. No, he hit his partner because he's a shit person.

The Mumsnet community really need to work hard at stamping out the culture of blaming the man in every possible situation. It's disturbing, wrong and ridiculous, and it only discredits genuine situations where a man ^has been abusive, controlling, etc.

Still, I too am disturbed at the amount of women who feel so sorry for the OP and are proposing she lie to cover herself. Do any of you not realize that your need/want for another fucking baby doesn’t override another person’s (that of the you willingly partner) choice? Regardless of how you want to make yourselves feel better that kind of deception is disgusting. Men have been accused of entrapment and being abusive for similar circumstances.

Better yet if it was a man claiming he’d poked holes in the condoms or thrown away his wife’s birth control there would be cries of abuse and LTB. But because this is a woman and we women are victims to our super powerful hormones it can’t possibly be the same. You can’t scream independence and then go crying that the hormones were too much to deal with.

Also, using her existing DS as an excuse to stay isn’t plausible either. The man deserves a choice. No ‘Oopsie the pill didn’t work and now I’m up the duff and you have to support it.’ No. If she’s big enough to calculate and not take her pill and deceive her husband then she’s big enough to accept responsibility. If family circumstances affect their existing DS it is the OP’s fault. She’s to blame. Not her husband for not using a condom or ‘not listening’ to her. Her. She lacked the apparent self control to wait and made a selfish decision. Her DH, regardless if she lies or not, unless he’s had a massive change of heart will resent the child either way. It’s going to cause an emotional and financial strain regardless of use of second hand baby items.

Her husband deserves a chance to leave if he finds this trust break too much because even if he does decide to separate he’ll have to pay for both children because of the op’s choice. So yeah, don’t lie to your bloody husband so he has the chance to get away and stop this from happening again in the future. Because you clearly can’t control your urges, right?

Pepe, Red, glad to see some people on here aren’t sociopaths in the making!

Oh for goodness sakes - what a bunch of sanctimonious holier than thou truth - tellers.
Take the easy option - oops-pregnant. Baby will come, you’ll get by, everyone will adore baby. Not a problem.

I think this sort of thing is more common than is let own.

My husband doesn't want children right now, we use condoms as contraception. Someone has actually told me to put a pin through them

@Toomuchtrouble4me it's actual called being a decent human being without the morals of an alley cat. Do try it some time

This is the right not the best place to get advice, Noone on here has your best interests at heart and there are plenty looking to put the boot in.

Talk to your husband, let him know you're pregnant and take it from there, together. He may be happy and this is all completey irrelevant. He may not be and you'll have to face into that, and plan financially as best you can, together. You have a good 6 months to get some cash together as best you can. But above all-talk to your husband.

"Take the easy option - oops-pregnant. Baby will come, you’ll get by, everyone will adore baby. Not a problem"

Yeah let's just not give a shit that's she's massively betrayed her husbands trust and he should just suck this up because everyone adores the baby

@Toomuchtrouble4me

I think you're missing the point, or you believe that her husband is as thick as pig shit. She told him a matter of months ago she wanted a baby, he said no. Suddenly now she's pregnant? Come on, now. An 'oops I'm pregnant' will not cut it when she's already made it blindingly clear she wanted another baby immediately. By trying to pull the wool over his eyes, again, I think he'll lose even more respect for her. At least if she's honest he has the whole truth and can make a decision based on that.

He deserves honesty, too. It's not as simple as having the baby and everything being fine and dandy. If they're genuinely struggling, he might not be able to afford her being out of work for any longer.

No one deserves to be tricked into having another child.

You need to be honest. Lying will get you nowhere.

I don't understand why covering up a whole month if not more of daily deception with yet another lie would possibly help things.

You've fucked up massively OP at least be an adult and own up.

Oh and if you're to get a job it's best to look asap. I suspect you won't though. I think you're wanting at least another few years of.

Off*

I think you're wanting at least another few years off

I suspect the OP is very much guilty of wanting another child, but please don’t bring this prejudice into it. I am a SAHM. I am not having “time off”.

Anyone else think this isn't real? One post mic drop, who MN up into a frenzy on a Saturday night, no return of OP. Just saying...

*whip not who

I hate when posters start a thread they know fine well will cause a shitstorm then go radio silent

I can't believe some of the responses on here , only on Mumsnet could you get a woman admitting full responsibility for this sort of thing and many posters still find a way to blame the DH , unbelievable

OP, if this is real, YAB (so unbelievably) U. Tell him what you have done and prepare for a divorce.

If he does decide to stay with you he'd be a moron I'd buck your ideas up and start working your arse off to earn some money I think it's the least you could do.

@Toomuchtrouble4me

Shocking...