I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

I would just say to your DH that you have got pregnant ,and say you forgot 1 or 2 pills .Many women are entitled to feel broody you know!Can you explain to him how you feel?. He may take it better than you think ! In one way it is nice to have 2 children closer together anyway ,although expensive at the moment and hard work, they will grow up together and you will still be fairly young when they are older!

It’s not actually the same thing if a man tricked a woman (and she got pregnant) though.
Because women carry the baby and all that you go through in pregnancy and labour and men can (and do) just waltz off if they want or need to at any point in the process,

I think the deception is going to be the problem.I think her husband might understandably feel hurt and angry that she went against their agreement. The outcome was a fluke. The Op says it took 18 months to conceive her first .We all know that getting pregnant is lottery; you can win on your first try or spend years trying.

Hi OP, rather than slate you i think you need to go to your husband with a financial solution. You need to get a job asap - and if u do have the baby youre going to have to go back to work asap. Staying at home is a luxury. Could you become a childminder? That way you could look after your child too. Or a work from home role. You need to start bringing an income in, you cant rely on your husband anymore.

Good luck today Op. I hope you are feeling okay.

For his sake I wouldn't tell him ahh the oldest justification in the book for liars to lie and cheats to cheat.

Leflic - of course it's not exactly the same thing, but talking of a man being able to "waltz off" is pretty bloody offensive. Would you say a woman could have the baby adopted after birth and "waltz off," or could "waltz off" into the night leaving the dad holding the baby after it was born? A husband is a hostage to his wife's selfish actions, he can't just "waltz off" guilt and consequence free.

Don’t people find it odd that a “first time” poster starts a thread like this and then doesn’t post again?

People need to stop investing their time.

well at least now we know that many 'accidents' so common on mn are what is called ' I felt broody, my wishes supersedes anything else, including my OH's feelings, I'll stopped the pill and then pretend to everyone, including OH that I got pregnant on the pill being one of the unlucky statistics'.

It's ok to lie and deceive the person we love when it come to getting what I want.

OP, please, be honest with your OH, you owe him that much. You can then decide together what to do.

What you did was awful OP. There really is no good choice to make here because no matter which option you go for irreparable damage is done. I guess the thing you need to think about is which one is the one you can live with.

Option A: tell your husband everything. This would mean no more lies and deceit. It will also likely lead to a divorce, ripping both your DCs family apart. They will not know what it is like to grow up in a house that has both parents where one parent does not completely loath the other

Option B: tell him about the pregnancy but leave out the part where you deliberately sabotaged the contraceptive. Sure if he is not completely stupid he might add up what likely happened but accidents happen often enough he will never feel 100% about his hunch. Yes it is more deceit but you at least for now get to keep your family together.

Option C: have a termination ASAP and never let your husband know about this incident. This will likely have a large psychological toll on you. This is in no way the easy option but maybe the option fairest for the other 2 innocent people that will be effected by your choice.

If it were not for the world of a 3 year old being turned upside down I would say do the decent thing and come clean. However I do think for the sake of the child or children involved in this I am inclined to think how to save your current family set up. So that realistically only leaves the two last options.

Blimey there’s some judgy people on here. Your DH wouldn’t listen to your need to have another child, why should what he wants trump what you want?

I can't believe anyone thinks like this.

Of course the person who doesn't want a child trumps the one who does. The op had a choice if she so desperately wanted another baby - leave her DH and find another partner who does want a child. What you don't do is to trick a man into having a baby that he doesn't want.

He deserves to know the truth here so that he can decide whether to end the marriage. Not telling him is a whole new level of deception.

If a man had an affair and came on here asking whether he should tell his wife the opinion would be 100% - he should tell her, the wife should kick him out and he is a disgusting pig. No one would say to just lie to the wife and leave her in blissful ignorance.

Why should he now have to suffer the emotional, psychological and physical strain of trying to support a family that they can't afford on a single wage? Not to mention having to do his share of sleepless nights etc and then go and do a full days work when they are past that stage.

It’s not actually the same thing if a man tricked a woman (and she got pregnant) though.
Because women carry the baby and all that you go through in pregnancy and labour

Compare it then to a husband having a vasectomy without telling his wife and then going through the pretence of trying to conceive. No pregnancy to damage her body due to his deception but still devastating for a wife who wants a child.

And people advocating she continue to lie even if the husband suspects the truth - that's called gaslighting on here and when it comes up in the context of a man being suspected of having an affair but continuing to deny it people call it emotional abuse.

Please explain the difference.

@Catsandchardonnay and @johnlennonsglasses you both get a 🙄

Some of these comments make me feel really sorry for your partners. No wonder there has been an uprising of groups of men who hate women and view them as deceptive assholes who are only out for themselves!

Wow - TWISTED VALUES!, There are plenty of people on here advising Op to kill her unborn child and yet you ignore that and find my saying tell a lie to your husband about the pill and enjoy your baby shocking? Weird, No comment from you on suggestion to kill an unborn child but a married couple having another child because wife told a lie and you are outraged? At a lie? But not a killing?And you have the audacity to be shocked by me? I’m not anti termination at all but bloody hell, people are suggesting killing the unborn without husbands knowledge - if you’re going to be shocked by anything on this thread, it should be that! Get off your high horse and address your priorities.

‘I’m not anti-termination, but I’m going to refer to it as a killing three times in one post’.

People like you make me sick. There may be genuinely vulnerable women out there reading this; women who have had genuine contraception failures and are now terrified about what to do next. And they’re reading the kind of bile you’re spouting about murder. Too right people are shocked and disgusted at your comments.

@SherbetSaucer disciple as OPs actions are is honesty really the best policy if it means turning a 3 year olds world upsidedown breaking up a family and denying a yet unborn child ever knowing what a complete family is like?

I'm still amazed how many deceptive nobs are on this forum. Really depressing

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 that's the thing with actions ....they can have pretty awkward consequences

red, those consequences fall on the OP. It isn’t up to her husband to keep the family together because she’s a selfish cow. He deserves to know so he has the chance to leave if he so wishes.

@anothernamejeeves @WickedLittleThing while I think 100% actions should have consequences I think the DC will be the innocent victims in all this that will bare the brunt of it.

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 same can be said for kids of men who cheat or hit their partner. Doesn't mean they should just have to get on with it

@anothernamejeeves do you think that the emotional damage on the children is acceptable collateral

Any emotional damage caused is a direct result of deceiving your other half. Just like as I said an affair. Doesn't mean people should be obliged to carry on in a relationship with no trust because the kids

@anothernamejeeves if op keeps this to herself then there would be no trust issues on his side. The consequence for OP is forever having to keep this lie and know what a despicable thing she did. It would be her job to make sure husband never finds out.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987

Any negative consequences felt by the children is 100% on the op.

If this were a wife posting that her husband was having an affair would you tell her to.put up with it rather than subject the children to a marriage break up? What would you consider reason enough to break up a family or us there never a justification in your book?