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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 09:02

Goodness op I think I’d have to cut my losses. I don’t think you’ll get your money back from him though.

mrsk28 · 05/10/2019 09:02

Sorry you've had to put up with this OP. You've been treated unfairly by DP and his parents.

Definitely right to just head home.

Smelborp · 05/10/2019 09:02

I would get the loan in writing along with him agreeing to pay you back, even if by email. Useful if you do dump him. He should have known who was going to cover for him before. Now he’s just letting his family gang up on you and letting the weight of expectation guilt you in to covering for him.

Actionhasmagic · 05/10/2019 09:03

Good luck! You are better off without them all

MrsCollinssettled · 05/10/2019 09:03

Go home. The situation isn't going to get any better and you will just get more resentful and the whole weekend will just deteriorate.

Assuming that his Dp's know his situation they have behaved deplorably. If he's upset with them you both go home. If he's upset with you dump him for letting you be put in this situation, as neither of you are particularly invested in the relationship long term

BuildBuildings · 05/10/2019 09:03

This is rubbish op but possibly the best option. Hope you're OK?

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 05/10/2019 09:03

So what they have actually paid for is a flight and (his half of) a hotel room. That's actually a very generous birthday gift, even if the hotel room was reluctant because their hand was forced.

I don't think this situation is worthy of splitting up or going home early. I think it just needs some adult conversations. On the surface of it I can see how parents think they've paid for quite enough by now. I can certainly see why you don't think you should be paying his share of things. And I can see how he could have assumed that parents and/or you were happy picking up his share since he clearly doesn't have any money.

Yes he should have clarified "um, that's a lovely treat thank you - bit awkward but you DO realise I won't be able to afford to pay for anything while there either like meals, drinks, days out...?" If I were in his shoes right now I'd be mortified and terribly embarassed - he has assumed that you/his parents were happy to pay for him when actually you've already given your generous gift and his parents think they've done their bit too, and here he is on his birthday treat weekend and he's suddenly realised/been told that nobody else is subbing him, he looks like an ass for assuming you were, and he hasn't got his own money to put it right.

I hope you can all talk and sort it out and enjoy the rest of the weekend.

PEkithelp · 05/10/2019 09:03

I think I would still expect to spend my own money for food etc if my parents took me away for birthday treat but not any accommodation. They also would probably go self catering so it wasn’t going to be too expensive.

IncrediblySadToo · 05/10/2019 09:04

X post

Great. Go home. Pack up anything if his into a bag/box and put it to one side

Spend the weekend licking your wounds & seeing friends, from Monday don’t give him
another thought apart from exchanging any crap of each other’s that you have.

Life’s too short to be with him & that lot

Plan nice things for yourself 🌷

FamilyOfAliens · 05/10/2019 09:04

I hope you’ve either got that loan back or can afford to wave it goodbye.

saraclara · 05/10/2019 09:04

Okay. If my parents were paying for a weekend away, I'd expect transport and hotel to be covered. But nothing else.

The idea of parents giving 'spending money' is just odd. I haven't had 'spending money' since I was a child/early teen. Did he really expect o to pay for food, drinks or anything else on this trip? Because if he's an adult (you don't say how old you both are) that would be weird.

Lulualla · 05/10/2019 09:04

If you've had a row, I'm guessing he's refused to stand up to them and just wanted to carry on with you paying for everything.
Did you get your money back?

saraclara · 05/10/2019 09:05

o=not

Africa2go · 05/10/2019 09:05

OP does your DP live at home? How old is he? I think even on sick pay, his parents might have expected that he could pay for his own meals and drinks. If they've paid his flight and presumably half the room (although thats a bit tight) they may think thats generous enough. They probably expect him to pay, not you.

Think theres been massive mis-communication. Your DP and his parents should have discussed expectations long before you got there. I'd be cheesed off.with DP for not having clarified it and being stupid enough to go on a weekend expecting someone else to pay for him.

Lulualla · 05/10/2019 09:05

@IncrediblySadToo
Why should she pack up his staff and put it to the side?

CalmdownJanet · 05/10/2019 09:06

This is best long term, though I appreciate it won't feel like that now. How much had you loaned him?

Rachelover60 · 05/10/2019 09:06

I'm so sorry, op. What a horrible situation, very wrong on the part of your boyfriend's mother/family and extremely embarrassing for him. Not much of a birthday treat! He should have clarified things in advance though.

I hope you get your money back but I don't think it will be all at once or soon. However if the guy has good principles he will try hard to repay you.

Have a safe journey home. What a disappointment!

IncrediblySadToo · 05/10/2019 09:06

It’s annoyingly about the money, but it’s less than £500, don’t let it keep you tied to him/then or cause you more stress trying to get it back. It’s really not worth it. Far better to write it off & move forward

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 09:06

I bet that he has had several converstations with his parents and he has told them 'we will pay for the hotel etc'.

Knowing full well he meant that OP would pay for it. I bet there have been a few conveetatations that the boyfriend has not told the OP about.

He sounds like a twat but I wouldnt automatically put the blame at the mothers door. He sounds like an entitled shit who though pp would just pay, because she felt to awkward not to.

midnightmisssuki · 05/10/2019 09:07

Great. Good for you op. Have a safe journey home - you’re well rid.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 09:09

@Lulualla I think pp means back at pps home. Pack up anything he has left at hee home so it can be handed over with no fuss and he can fuck off.

OP why is he off sick?

alioliloved · 05/10/2019 09:09

Yes this sounds like it could be a deal breaker.

hilaryguineapig · 05/10/2019 09:10

I'm a bit taken aback that you asked for a kitty. Normally, I'd assume that taking someone away would be accommodation and not spends.

In your circumstances I'd assume I would pay for my other half so I can see why your partner's parents might assume that was the case. Your partner is most at fault here, he sets the tone and should have had those difficult conversations. He didn't, isn't sorting it out now and so I'd seriously consider going home. Otherwise I suggest you meet up for drinks and go out on your own, he can pitch in with his borrowed whip.

Also where are you staying that a hotel costs £350.

Jeezoh · 05/10/2019 09:11

I hope you got your money back!

PotteryLady · 05/10/2019 09:11

You are better off without them all.

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