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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 05/10/2019 08:23

Think that he needs to talk to his parents and explain that he doesnt have any money. He thought they were treating him?! If not then he needs to go home.

BuildBuildings · 05/10/2019 08:23

Can your partner speak to his family? How well off are they? Just wondering if its an affordability thing?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/10/2019 08:24

Did they ever tell you what they would be paying for in Newcastle? Or did they just say, let's go to Newcastle? In hindsight; maybe DP should have said he couldn't afford it. In any other circumstances; splitting by the couple and then them sorting it out amongst themselves doesn't seem too weird... but I appreciate that's with hindsight!

I can't believe they've just carried on knowing he can't afford it. Who has paid for him so far? You always? He needs to go and talk to them, and if I was you; I'd probably be going home with or without him.

I'm stunned they booked everyone £350 hotel rooms and it never came up in conversation; either...

This is messy.

rookiemere · 05/10/2019 08:24

Why did you give him money OP? It doesn't sound like he can pay you back and builds into the false narrative that he can afford this - which he clearly can't.

Supersimkin2 · 05/10/2019 08:25

What an awful thing to dump on both of you - on his birthday. And when he's ill.

Look, make the best of it, you both deserve that. Hand over £200 (don't tell the parents) and sort out repayments later. Enjoy yourselves.

Be warned - they didn't respond to the kitty idea, which should have let you know this might be on the cards.

Be warned II - is DP always this airy about other people paying his bills?

HennyPennyHorror · 05/10/2019 08:26

Your issue is with your partner. he's an adult. What did he expect?? Unless you're a millionaire.

Lulualla · 05/10/2019 08:26

So what exactly was their present? If they expected you to pay his hotel room, what were they paying for?
You, quite rightly, only paid for your half of the room and they were angry about that with the frosty silence? So what was the present then, if they didn't plan to pay?

I think you should either go home or just confront them. Remind them of his situation, remind them that this holiday was their idea and their gift, so it is theirs to pay for.
If you want to stay but dont want to confront them out of the blue then from now on, only pay your half of the bill when they say "£X pet couple". If they complain, just say "I was invited on this break for his birthday, which was your gift, and I cant afford to pay anymore towards it. I'm happy to pay for myself, but as this was your idea and your birthday gift to him, it's only right that you pay".

PositiveVibez · 05/10/2019 08:26

I can't believe he agreed to go tbh. So he's skint. Never mentioned to his parents that he's got no money whatsoever? Didn't have a word before to say oh thanks parents, just to be clear, I'm skint, so is this your treat?

And now you're giving him a loan rather than him talking to his parents.

Must be very awkward for you. I'd dump him tbh. He sounds like a wet lettuce.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 08:27

For clarity they offered it as a treat to him, not me. So I gave paid for my flight, share of hotel and have own spending money.

He has not paid for flights, hotel room has been left open ended as I said above.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 05/10/2019 08:27

He really ought to have clarified the situation before he went away with them! Like, "what are you paying for?" I would have expected the hotel room and a meal as a birthday treat but not absolutely everything. I wouldnt have gone away unless I had spending money. He doesnt have any money so shouldn't have gone away. Money in a card would have been a better gift for him right now, not a trip away.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/10/2019 08:28

"In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to"
It is ridiculous to expect you to pay for your BF's share of costs.

It is equally ridiculous for your BF to expect anyone to provide him spending money.

It is ridiculous to accept a invitation to something of this nature, without knowing beforehand how much it will cost you, especially when you are/have been on SSP
(If SSP has run out and he is still off work, isn't he claiming ESA or UC?).

Sounds like a right pig's ear all round.

Chocolatecake12 · 05/10/2019 08:28

It’s a very difficult situation you’re in. And now your dp is sulking in a corner. Take yourself away from it - either fully by going home, or just for the whole days so you don’t eat or do any activity then thereby not having to face the money situation.
When you’re not away who pays for meals out etc?

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 05/10/2019 08:28

If very upset with your partner. Is he just sitting there helplessly waiting to be paid for? He shouldn't have gone without being clear to family what he could and couldn't afford. If he'd asked you for loan up front it would have been so much easier (though costly for you)

MsVestibule · 05/10/2019 08:29

Is there any way you can speak to his parents on their own and say something along the lines of 'my understanding when you booked this break is that it was your present to your son - I don't understand why I'm now expected to pay for everything for him. I've already paid for a birthday test for him last week'. I know it will be an excruciating conversation but probably better than all of this angst, which will undoubtedly ruin the weekend.

Did you go out for dinner last night? Who paid for that?

Atalune · 05/10/2019 08:29

What’s the treat part???

Lulualla · 05/10/2019 08:30

@Stfrancescof
What is the reason for not just asking them?

IdiotInDisguise · 05/10/2019 08:30

Erm, pay for a trip doesn’t mean pay for everything, your partner should have checked, both on what was included and on whether he could afford it BEFORE he accepted.

It is not unreasonable to be annoyed but you should be annoyed at your partner, not his family, what grown up man expects his family to cover all expenses for him and his friend once he is past 16 years old?

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 08:30

I agree. He should have spoken to his parents in more detail got the lay of the land and said ah no I can't come, I have no money. When I called him he just said 'oh my dad's planned to pay for it all' I am horrified.
Also very shocked at his mother.

Do not want to confront.

Thinking about getting train home

Genuinely thinking about dumping.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 05/10/2019 08:32

Ok so they paid for his flight and his room. If someone offered to pay for me to go away for the weekend as a present, I’d expect the hotel room and flight, but wouldn’t expect them to be fully funding it, food and drink etc.. sounds like crossed wires maybe, or whatever it is, get your ADULT boyfriend to speak to his parents rather than spending your money and hiding in the hotel room

Livelovebehappy · 05/10/2019 08:33

So basically his dm has paid the £175 towards your room, and that’s her contribution? If so, she probably think that’s enough. My Mil has paid for a weekend away for our family in a hotel for DHs milestone birthday next year, and I assume paying for the hotel is her gift but am not expecting her to cover his spending money. I think this is something your DP should have taken up with his mum before the trip, ie asked for her to clarify exactly what they were going to cover. He shouldn’t have just assumed she was covering everything, and she never promised anything other than paying for the accommodation, so I think the blame for this lies at the feet of your DP. His mum may have assumed he has savings to cover his spending money.

Lulualla · 05/10/2019 08:33

@Amanduh
They didn't plan to pay for his room. They expected OP to pay for it. She only sent her half, which they were annoyed about. So the "weekend away" gift they told him they were giving him was really only the flight.

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 08:34

@Livelovebehappy the problem is they are expecting OP to pay for her and him. That’s not fair.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 08:34

I think he has been a dick.

But also why wasn't the person who planned this ie his mother clear about what she was and wasnt paying for for him??

I think she just put her head in the sand and thought I'd pay for it all.

I should have a direct conversation but o tried that and it was excruciating even broaching the whip.

OP posts:
purplelila2 · 05/10/2019 08:35

I agree you should be annoyed with your partner hes a grown man and should say something.

I would have expected the hotel room to be paid for but not the spending money

Cloudyyy · 05/10/2019 08:35

Oh I see, OP I thought you were asking for spending money for yourself so I apologise. This situation is completely mad - it’s your DP at fault, why hasn’t he said anything to his own parents in advance?? How was he expecting to pay for meals if he hadn’t clarified with his parents that they would pay? If I was you I’d be dumping him and getting on the first train home!

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