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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Mephisto · 05/10/2019 08:36

Oh OP. If only you hadn’t paid for hotel and given him spending money and used that money on a train.

I would want to dump him too.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 08:36

@Mephisto

That is why I am totally fucked off.

OP posts:
Bucatini · 05/10/2019 08:36

The problem with you lending him money is that presumably he won't be able to pay you back for the foreseeable future. So basically you're still just paying for all his drinks / meals etc.

I'd get the train home. You've got two more days of this otherwise!

diddl · 05/10/2019 08:36

He expected them to pay for everything & is now letting you?

Christ, just get home & leave him.

What an idiot.

Lulualla · 05/10/2019 08:36

This is an excellent opportunity for you to grow a thicker skin. You're going to need it through life as a woman; being able to speak up even when it's awkward is a skill all women should have.

readytoretire · 05/10/2019 08:36

It sounds as though his parents expected to pay for your hotel room so not sure why you've insisted on giving them half. You could have used the money you gave them as spending money instead. My MIL paid for us all to stay in a holiday cottage last year but I didn't think for a moment that would mean she was giving out spending money too. So who did you think would cover your dp spending money if he doesn't have any?

Amanduh · 05/10/2019 08:37

@lulualla that isn’t clear though. She just said they were ‘frosty’ not that they expected her to pay for it. The point is, her boyfriend should gave sorted out this before they went, and if not, should be standing up and sorting it out now!

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 05/10/2019 08:37

So basically his dm has paid the £175 towards your room, and that’s her contribution? If so, she probably think that’s enough.

Yes, but by the sounds of it his DM had no intention of contributing this and instead expected OP to foot the entire bill for her DP for the entire holiday which THEY (the parents) invited OP on!

OP this is totally outrageous and the fact that your DP doesn’t seem to care about how this affects you is awful.

MakeItRain · 05/10/2019 08:38

Ask for your loan back and go home on the train.

aweedropofsancerre · 05/10/2019 08:38

I would go home. I couldn’t put on a brave face and sounds like any money you give to your BF you won’t get back. So take back your loan and let his family treat him and you get on the train

Thurmanmurman · 05/10/2019 08:39

Personally I’d find it very offputting being with a grown man who expects everything paid for, including spending money just because it’s his birthday.

MakeItRain · 05/10/2019 08:39

I agree that you won't see that money again unless you ask for it back now.

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 08:39

@readytoretire

It sounds as though his parents expected to pay for your hotel room so not sure why you've insisted on giving them half.

They wanted the whole £350 for the hotel from OP!

MsVestibule · 05/10/2019 08:39

Genuinely thinking about dumping.

Probably the best idea. It doesn't sound as though there's much future in the relationship anyway. I would be reluctant to be involved with somebody who was on long term sick and was happy for somebody, anybody to subsidise him.

Although I said upthread that maybe you should speak to his parents, it won't do much good. They've already (reluctantly) paid for his flights and accommodation and TBH, why should they pay for his spends? Although their issue should be with him, not just expect you to pick up his bills. HE should have sorted this out before he left.

coconuttelegraph · 05/10/2019 08:40

Why have you lent him the money? He can't pay you back so you've ended up paying for him anyway

Cu your losses and move on, he is a CF

Pineapplefish · 05/10/2019 08:40

Get your loan back from him and go home.

PegasusReturns · 05/10/2019 08:40

Is your boyfriend cross with you or his parents? That would be the deciding factor on whether I stayed or got the next train home

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 08:41

Is it a really nice hotel OP? I would be tempted to just relax in the hotel and my room. If the hotel is £350 for two nights then it must have a pool?

Amanduh · 05/10/2019 08:41

It seems you’re assuming a lot though. His mother may assume he has money if he hasn’t mentioned it etc. Why didn’t HE clarify it rather than sitting there using your money? Get your boyfriend to speak ffs why isn’t he doing anything? I would dump OP it’s not his mum that is the issue!

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 08:43

@Amanduh the fact that they’re looking to OP to pay for everything for him suggests that the parents know very well he has no money.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 05/10/2019 08:44

If you don't want to spend the money on a train OP, I used to do the overnight Megabus from Newcastle to London costs between £1-£5 leaves around midnight/1am gets into London around 7, pretty comfortable I used to just sleep. FWIW of flights were the only gift the last return flight I got to Newcastle (last year) was £42.... That's not treating someone to a trip.

CalmdownJanet · 05/10/2019 08:44

Oh I would dump the lot of them! Go to your boyfriend and ask him to ask his dad for a loan of money, when he comes back with it say "Thanks that's mine, I am getting out of dodge and leaving you tight fuckers too it, see you, never, oh and happy birthday"

Who the hell goes away with no money and I am sorry but a birthday treat does not mean you go with an empty wallet, I am embarrassed for the lot of them.

Failing that, when they divide by couple then you just divide that in two and brazen it out like they are

eddielizzard · 05/10/2019 08:44

Yes, what is your BF's attitude? Is he mortified that his parents are expecting you to pay for him? Did he agree to pay loan back? Depending on his attitude, I would leave if he's the least bit entitled.

Penners99 · 05/10/2019 08:45

Pack up, go home. Dump him.

FriedasCarLoad · 05/10/2019 08:45

Parents should have paid for the whole hotel room, given their invitation.

And given DP’s financial circumstances, his family should be insisting that he doesn’t pay for a round, or contribute to meals.