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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 05/10/2019 09:11

So his parents paid his flight and nothing more? Where did you fly from? I paid £60 for a Newcastle-Heathrow flight this year. I can’t believe you were expected to pay for his share of the hotel if they were taking him away as a treat! Spending money is his responsibility. He should have said no to this trip being on the sick. Idiot.

Dljlr · 05/10/2019 09:11

This made me stressed just reading about it. So glad you're out of there. Run like the wind.

HJWT · 05/10/2019 09:12

🥴 💐

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/10/2019 09:14

Good for you OP.
What utter nightmares they all are...
Get that bloody loan back and look after yourself Flowers

Theres a 2.20 bus from John Dobson Street that gets into London Victoria at 9 for less than £20

hairyheadphones · 05/10/2019 09:14

Hope you get your money back!

Butchyrestingface · 05/10/2019 09:15

In your circumstances I'd assume I would pay for my other half so I can see why your partner's parents might assume that was the case

Do you live apart from your “other half”, have no plans to live with him, and have no financial ties to him?

The boyfriend’s parents are far more tied to their son than this OP, who has only been dating him 18 months.

VaggieMight · 05/10/2019 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

HandsOffMyRights · 05/10/2019 09:16

He's a grown man OP and while his parents are at fault, HE needs to take accountability, not you.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/10/2019 09:17

Glad your out

Serin · 05/10/2019 09:18

OMG they sound like hard work. There is no way I would be tying my colours to his mast.
Run for the hills OP.

RightYesButNo · 05/10/2019 09:19

OP - I’m sorry you’ve had a massive row. I’m sure this has turned out the complete opposite from how you originally envisioned it all going. I’d just focus on getting home and taking care of yourself, and leave him to his parents.

Sorry again, OP. You definitely deserve both these Flowers and this Wine

RandomMess · 05/10/2019 09:19

Really hope you got your money back before you left.

Actionhasmagic · 05/10/2019 09:20

For those saying parents shouldn’t provide his spending money - why should OP have to? They aren’t married or living together?

burnoutbabe · 05/10/2019 09:21

I think if this happened to me and other half we'd just make it clear that if i was finding all food abd drinks we'd be having mac Donald's and drinks would be coffee in our hotel room. Ie do our own thing for rest of the weekend as cheap as possible.
I'd have expected at least one birthday meal hosted by the parents for their kids.
My parents pay for us when ever we visit and I am an accountant. (We pat when we visit them). I can't imagine them expecting me to pay for lots of meals out when on ssp! Surely then you'd go say self catering and do some cheap meals there ;if the main idea was just being together on his birthday and not practical to do it at someone's house.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 05/10/2019 09:22

Get the remainder of the spending money, OP, and get out of there x

Techway · 05/10/2019 09:23

What a nightmare but honestly you was well out of it.

It may have been a waste of money and your time but you have seen his true character. I suspect his family know he is entitled and he has told you they are paying but told them you are paying.

If he 30 or older he won't change.

ScreamingValenta · 05/10/2019 09:24

I agree with LionelRitchie - hop on the Megabus and get outta there.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/10/2019 09:24

What do you mean spending money? If they offered to pay for the trip, I would assume the hotel was covered but would never expect spending money?? shock That’s so cheeky of you!!!

Why should OP provide his spending money?

nestisflown · 05/10/2019 09:24

I feel sorry for you but I also feel sorry for your ex boyfriend for the reasons @coffeeandchocolate9 gave.

Yes he should have clarified "um, that's a lovely treat thank you - bit awkward but you DO realise I won't be able to afford to pay for anything while there either like meals, drinks, days out...?" If I were in his shoes right now I'd be mortified and terribly embarassed - he has assumed that you/his parents were happy to pay for him when actually you've already given your generous gift and his parents think they've done their bit too, and here he is on his birthday treat weekend and he's suddenly realised/been told that nobody else is subbing him, he looks like an ass for assuming you were, and he hasn't got his own money to put it right.

It's definitely not your responsibility to sub him though. And if his parents really cared what was going on in his life, they wouldn't have suggested to take him out as a birthday treat without treating him to the whole thing. Financially, this is for him and his parents to sort out between them. They sound very inconsiderate and he sounds a little immature for not clarifying costs in the first place.

Regarding your relationship, if he's otherwise great in other ways, I don't think this is worth splitting up over- just important to set boundaries which you're doing by going home. I hope you get the money you lent him back before you leave. I would be wary of his parents though- I wouldn't want them as in laws, so if you stay together you'll need to decide whether you'll be able to put up with his parents in the long term.

Good luck OP.

Fiveletters · 05/10/2019 09:25

Well done. Hope you got your money back. He sounds pathetic.

Babybel90 · 05/10/2019 09:26

Jesus they sound barmy! But your (ex)bf really should have clarified in advance what they were paying for and made it clear he had no money.

My MIL has a couple of times offered to pay for things then not come up with the cash but luckily we’ve always been able to afford to eat the cost, it’s really shifty of his parents to expect you to pay. Safe journey home Flowers

RebootYourEngine · 05/10/2019 09:27

What a complete waste of a weekend.

What was the arguement about? Was it about you not paying for him?

NotStayingIn · 05/10/2019 09:28

Sorry OP what a shit trip. Hope you are OK. It feels like both the parents and your partner have their heads in the sand when it comes to his financial situation. They probably assumed he did have ‘some’ money to spend on expenses and he maybe was too embarrassed to tell them up front that he literally has no money. Don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 05/10/2019 09:28

I wouldn't even get involved here. It would be a simple "They're not paying for you? Ooh what are you going to do then?" And leave it at at that.

Have nothing to do with it. Your DP should not have expected a fully funded trip without clarifying it. If the parents turn to you you of course say, "I'm sorry, you'll need to ask your son". If it means hanging around the hotel instead of going out for expensive meals and day trips then so be it. Don't go out for meals your boyfriend can't afford but don't be paying for his either.

You're only his girlfriend, not his wife or long term partner.

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 09:28

@nestisflown

I don’t feel sorry for him at all. All my sympathy is for OP. Someone who is ‘mortified and terribly embarrassed’ doesn’t have a massive row with his girlfriend when she hasn’t done anything wrong. I suspect the boyfriend is an entitled twat who can’t see why OP won’t pay for everything.