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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
chocolatespiders · 05/10/2019 08:46

Cut you losses and get train or coach home before the costs keep mounting.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/10/2019 08:47

Do his parents think you're well off with a good job OP?

Pinkypurple35 · 05/10/2019 08:47

Sounds awful, ridiculous that he didn’t clarify or say hold on I’m on SSP and can’t afford this now. He’s an adult and should have taken responsibility for this.
He’s also giving a false impression he can pay now you’ve given a lump sum.
Opt out of the meals out and buy a sandwich instead saying you can’t keep paying for both of you.

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 08:48

Literally the worst birthday present ever! They must have known he has no money to pay for meals etc. What were they thinking?!

FamilyOfAliens · 05/10/2019 08:48

At least it’s easier to go home from Newcastle than from Rome.

Loveislandaddict · 05/10/2019 08:49

If it were a gift, then I’d expect the hotel room to be paid for, and maybe they birthday meal’. However, everyday spending money - drinks, lunch, coffee etc he should be paying himself. Spending money is just that, spending money.

tempester28 · 05/10/2019 08:49

He should have told his parents he has no money for any element of the trip. That stfrancesof will pay her part, but can they at least lend him the money to cover his spending needs that weren't part of the gift.

He should have been clear on what the gift was ie just the flights? The hotel? I would assume he would have his own spending money and if he didn't have it then he should have told his parents in advance.

Is the milestone 21 or 40? That would make a difference

CallmeAngelina · 05/10/2019 08:50

Agree that you lending him the money is tantamount to paying the lot. How will he ever pay you back?

Thesearmsofmine · 05/10/2019 08:50

That’s sounds so awkward, I would be pissed off with your bf, he should have sorted all of this with his family before anyone agreed to going away.

PooWillyBumBum · 05/10/2019 08:51

Why don’t you just go home now? It’ll keep costs down.

BuildBuildings · 05/10/2019 08:51

You really need your partner to sort this with his family before you spend more money. Or did he just think you'd pay?

RightYesButNo · 05/10/2019 08:52

Get your loan back from him and go home.

This, with bells on. Sounds an absolutely miserable time, with a shite atmosphere. Admittedly, we don’t know where you’re coming from, but it sounds like his parents may have forced the holiday “change” to Newcastle in the first place because they found a £20 plane ticket deal, and were thinking they could seriously get away with that being their entire contribution, since they tried to get you to pay for hotel, and refused to contribute to a whip-around for his spending money. CFs for sure, but if he refuses to use his voice about this, then I’d be angry with him, too.

Honestly, just ask for your money back to afford train, go home, and seriously consider if you want to dump him. It wouldn’t be his fault if his parents were just tight, but it is his fault for dumping you in it, and who wants this charming picture of future in-law/DP interactions?

Sotoes · 05/10/2019 08:52

Is he unwell OP? 6 months on sick leave sounds serious.

tempester28 · 05/10/2019 08:53

Also they changed it from Rome to Newcastle! I know Newcastle is a fab city but different that going to Rome for the weekend.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2019 08:55

Dp should have clarified expectations but unbelievable of his parents. A trip to Rome implies big spending, now all they planned to cover was a single flight to Newcastle and nothing else? That’s a fucking terrible milestone present even if dp were minted frankly. As it is, what parents know their child is on long term sick leave and aren’t aware they are pretty short on ready funds? None I know so I’m going to extrapolate shitty parents. I’d probably dump him too but I’m quite sorry for the dp who didn’t realise how shit his parents are. Not as sorry as I am for the op landed in this!

honeylulu · 05/10/2019 08:56

Bloody hell, this is ridiculous!

So the mum offers to pay for a weekend away for the two of you for a birthday treat - very nice.

This gets modified to a uk break that they come on too. Also quite nice (though I wouldn't have found going away with my other halfs family much of a treat but I'd think "well it's his birthday" ...) It sounds at this point that mother didn't tell you that the funding of it would be different, which is naughty. Whilst it's not unreasonable she expects you to contribute for yourself, you should have had the rearranged parameters flagged up for you.

But it actually seems that when she changed the plan she wasn't actually offering a treat at all (except perhaps his flight though it sounds like she may have been expecting him/you to stump up for that, though you haven't - good!)

If she had a modicum of logic she'd realise he'd been on sick and would have no money for his shares and you'd have to pay.

So it's a situation where she makes out she arranged a lovely "treat" but in fact you were supposed to pay for her choices. All she planned to treat your DP to was her company.

My MIL (RIP) tried something similar in the early days of our relationship. Begged us to agree to go to her home country for a family reunion. I was a bit hmmm anyway as she wasn't who I'd choose to spend time, let alone precious annual leave with. She really leant on my partner, saying it would mean soooooo much to her. She was extremely well off too, which is relevant (we weren't). Partner kept saying "oh come on, it would mean a lot to her". I outright asked if she was treating us and the answer was no. We didn't go! I think if you're paying you should also get to choose how and if you spend your money.

Billben · 05/10/2019 08:56

Alarm bells would have started ringing for me when they’ve changed from Rome to Newcastle.

GrimalkinsCrone · 05/10/2019 08:59

I’d dump him, and I say that as someone who’s been happily married to a bloke with little money for decades. Who doesn’t expect me to keep him.
He’s not your equal partner, he’s a dependent who doesn’t know how to manage, and his family sound toxic. Do you want the rest of your life like this? Bailing him out so he doesn’t look bad?
I can’t believe you traded a romantic break in Rome for a family Barney in Newcastle!

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 08:59

We have had a massive row and I am packing my bag.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 05/10/2019 08:59

Sorry, I’m unclear - did his parents pay for the flights?

They should also have covered his half of the hotel room without question. The spending money is his responsibility.

I would also go home. If they expect you to be his chief, cook and bottle-washer when you’re merely dating and not even living together, Christ knows what their expectations will be if/when you put a ring on it and start having kids. 😟

IncrediblySadToo · 05/10/2019 09:00

I wouldn’t have asked how much the hotel room was. His parents were supposedly treating him for his birthday and as he could hardly sleep on the streets they should have paid for his room (the difference between 1&2 people is usually 0, or negligible certainly not half)

How sick is he? This would somewhat determine my next move.

If he’s really ill I’d try to minimise the expense but grin & get through it

If he’s just blagging it or has something minor I’d be telling him I want my £200 back off him &£175 back off his parents and going home

Then I’d dump him. He’s not the sort of ‘man’ you want to spend your life with surely?!

Butchyrestingface · 05/10/2019 09:00

Cross-post. So sorry, OP. Flowers. I think it’s a good thing you’re heading home.

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 09:01

Did you get your money back OP?

MoonlightBonnet · 05/10/2019 09:02

Good decision I think. I hope you’ve got your loan back to pay for the train.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 05/10/2019 09:02

Make sure you get what's left of your lump sum you gave him before you go. The whole lot are CF.