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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Intheupsidedown · 27/10/2019 17:32

@MrsTerryPratchett has a good point.... op?

LovePoppy · 27/10/2019 18:35

I bet he checks the balance, but not the individual transactions

Stfrancesof · 27/10/2019 21:15

I really want to thank you all I really appreciate the support this thread has given me. I think someone in RL has recognised it and obviously it is highly flammory so I think I will need to have it taken down . All I can say is it is absolute the case that his mum has been stealing. I've seen his bank statements going back a year now and there is around 10k in withdrawals.
There is no money going the other way , ie he is not receiving money into his account except his salary.

It is absolutely shocking.

And yes he did not have his internet banking password because she withheld it from him ie kept putting it off from giving it to him. And yes that meant he could only check the balance.

I'm actually really choked up and sad on his behalf. He's a really nice, kind, trusting person.

Drum2018 · 27/10/2019 21:29

I sincerely hope he has rectified the password issue now. He should should close the account and open a new one with a different bank. Not sure how he'd get on reporting it as he knew she had access to the account and did nothing about it. He's been a fucking idiot and his mother is a thieving bitch. Do you really want to stay involved with such a family?

nedflandereses · 27/10/2019 23:21

Seriously? He's just let his mum do this? He couldn't just close his account or reset his password? If you stay involved with this man you'll be holding his hand through everything like a child and dealing with a toxic family.

ExcitedForFuture · 27/10/2019 23:48

I feel sorry for him actually. He's just discovered his vile shit of a mother has been happily stealing from him for god knows how long.

How did he never wonder where his money was going though when he checked his balance?

Intheupsidedown · 28/10/2019 06:52

He could contact the bank and log a dispute to get his log in details changed but if he was aware that his mother had access and hadnt done anything about it then there wouldn't be a fraud case. However if he has some form of special needs etc then it would be slightly more complicated.

I would just encourage him to change banks.

Good luck op. I know many say dont take responsibility but if you are like me you will feel the need to help someone out.

Not everyone has the awareness or has been brought up to understand these things and so sometimes just need some guidance and a bit of pushing to get things in order

Mix56 · 28/10/2019 08:09

Does his mother have an income?
He should report fraud & get the money back.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/10/2019 08:36

Oh what a mess. If she has the passwords (why, how?) and he doesn't it's not a matter of 'just changing the passwords' as you can't do that unless you know the current passwords.

So the only way he can resolve the matter, is to report it to the bank as a fraud/duress case, but he's unlikely to be able to progress that without also reporting his mother to the police.

But as we all know, like other domestic abuse situations, the victim is often reluctant to press charges due to not wanting the perpetrator to go to prison, fear of recriminations, misplaced loyalty, causing a family rift etc.

MzHz · 28/10/2019 09:28

Love, even if by some major miracle this bloke actually mans up and starts adulting at 40, if you stay with him you’ll be constantly watching your back for the mil stealing or trying to take what isn’t hers.

Would you want dc with this man? Why on earth would you saddle yourself with this shower of wankers and a bloke who has fundamentally failed to launch.

End it. Find someone decent who comes from a decent family.

This relationship is completely doomed. You know this.

FlashingLights101 · 28/10/2019 09:43

I'm actually really surprised by some of these answers... If a woman had said her DH was doing this to her, ie withholding giving her her internet banking details, stealing money from her etc because she trusted that he had her best interests at heart, I guarantee no one would be saying she needed to 'woman up', or that she was a 'mummy's girl' - there would be much 'hand holding' and comments about financial abuse (which is what this is).

OP, you actually sound really nice. You say he is a genuinely nice and trusting guy, I think you're doing the right thing by helping him see what his family have been doing. Hopefully he can disengage himself totally from them and realise how awful his mother has been to him all these years and cut her from his life. Because what she's done is unforgivable.

billybagpuss · 28/10/2019 10:32

Wow, sorry it’s come to this and hope he’s able to confront his dm

Peridot1 · 28/10/2019 10:43

Wow. I hope he manages to sort it all out.

Jux · 01/11/2019 11:22

FlashingLights, I agree, if it were a woman saying her husband was doing this.

But op is not married, not even living with this man. Their finances are separate. They are just boyfriend and girlfriend, have only been together 18 months. Posters are encouraging her to get out while she can, as she can.

Of course, if she were married to him or living with him it would be very different.

TowelNumber42 · 01/11/2019 14:07

There's a new thread. She didn't dump him. He still has his head in the sand. The mum did worse than was thought. He won't even look up bank records pre 2017 because he doesn't want to fall out with his mum if he sees more fraud. OP checks his bank accounts with him. OP plans to stay with him for a few months to see if this man in his forties changes.

Dueinnov19 · 01/11/2019 14:30

@towelnumber42 have you got a link to the new thread?

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