To be outraged about dp mum and money

[Stfrancescof]

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

What a terrible situation.

You say you only went back 4 months worth of bank records and 100s have been withdrawn by her?

He does sound like he needs to have someone professional to help with this. Could he go to the bank or citizens advice to ask for help. This is financial abuse and could be very complicated for him both legally, financially and emotionally. Especially since he has been unwell and on sick leave.

Why are you taking responsibility for this? Why are you taking it in yourself to sort him out. His mother has been using him and his money as another source of income for years and he has allowed it. He's not a kid. He's an adult man.

If you step in now and try change the setup (it doesn't sound like he's going to stand up to his mother) you are firmly setting yourself up in battle with his mother. And trust me, you will not win. He has already demonstrated he will let you walk off rather than confront her.

This is far too much hassle for an already struggling relationship. He must be REALLY good in bed!!

I agree he needs help.

I would have thought low contact and a lot of counselling.

All I can do is see if he can make some positive small steps.

It is quite chilling though, really.

Your update is unbelievable! Be careful of the situation. Protect yourself.

It is absolutely astonishing isn't it. I may have for the wrong end of the stick though in some way ( actually really hoping I have) but will update either way

Totally not taking this on as my responsibility... I'm not sure what feelings I have left tbh.

Does he have learning difficulties or serious mental health problems? It is not usual for an adult to need this level of support from their girlfriend. You are talking as if he’s a child.

Is he being proactive about finding out more? Opening another bank account? Checking his credit?

Otherwise he's still a big 40 year old baby except now you're his mammy.

Totally not taking this on as my responsibility...

Except you are!
Your update is all about holding his hand, setting him up on the app, looking in to his account, looking into loans and repayments (you even said you can't figure it out).

It is literally nothing to do with you.

He's a boyfriend. Not a partner. You don't live together. You've (wisely) kept everything separate and yet you are holding his hand to help him figure it all out.

The fact that you have looked into his account, set up an app, sorted out the sections, shown him how to use it, found out about loans, looked into repayments and withdrawals means you are either very nosey and interfering or you ARE taking on the responsibility of this.

As someone else mentioned, his mother has managed his finances his entire life. Now you are stepping into the role (and onto the toes) of his mammy. If you were not taking responsibility for this, it wouldn't even be a topic of conversation. He'd sort himself out or he wouldn't. I can see why you're taking this on, because if the relationship is to continue and progress then your finances will be linked one way or another. Even if you don't have joint accounts, if he runs out of cash, or can't afford his portion of a bill or whatever, you will be subsidising him and bailing him out.

If you truly believe this is not your responsibility, the back off. Completely. See will hesdiet it out himself or will he revert to type. You will very quickly know what direction it's going in.

You are teaching him how to manage his finances like one does with a teenager. How shit.

Do you still find him attractive? I could hardly look at a manchild that useless and incompetent. I'd dry up completely.

Has he become a pity project for you?

Has he now changed his Log in info ?

He is a liar.

Stop trying to find out the truth. He clearly has no interest in truth and honesty.

He can easily do everything you've done. He could now seek out one of many financial advisors, CAB, whatever, with only a little Googling and no need for you to help him at all.

Dump and run.

Christ what a mess. That said I have adhd (not suggesting he has) and am utterly useless at checking my bank as I struggle to remember numbers so I have to get all the bits I need. My dh manages the main account with bills but I do only check mine on the odd occasion.

What a massive fuck up over his birthday. I think it really depends how much you value him and what he adds to your life to even think about helping him. He’s not your responsibility at all.

Yes. Backing off completely is what I will do now. Thanks for all the good advice

YANBU
Good grief
From a weekend in Rome just for the two of you to a weekend in Newcastle for all and sundry !
What a mess .

He is 40 - how much more "help" is he going to need before he starts doing things for himself? He really seems to have the women in his life trained to take care of him!

Good grief, they must have wayltched you walk into his life and been half terrified you'd dig all this up and half thrilled that they might be able to steal from you through him!

It might be worth advidmsing him to open new accounts for his income stream, whatever it is, and then to talk to his bank about the situation he has allowed to develop. He will be liable for loan repayments but he can stop the cash transfers and any new loans going out.

Don't offer to help him, though. There are charities for that and I think he may have mistaken you for one of them!

I bet MIL was not stealing. I bet he has borrowed money off her repeatedly and now she only gives it on condition of being able to take it back from his account when he has money again. Even then you only have his word that she logged in and made the transfer, not him.

I reckon he was repaying money owed to her just like he intended to repay money owed to you after the Newcastle weekend. If someone else then looked at his bank account they'd see payments to you that he could lie about the reason for, especially if trying to hide feckless behaviour.

Has he spoken to his mom
And asked her WTF?

nor do I want to be his financial overseer

This is absolutely what you will be. It's either you or his mum. He has no will to control his own life and finances. And he's over 40. It's your choice, but I would be looking for an actual adult to have a relationship with.

a CAP money course might help him then you don't have to do it
They provide some emotional support as well as money advice

Martin Lewis the money saving expert recommends them and they have run a couple of courses at local job centre although a christian organisation it is not about religion but it does help some people

I bet MIL was not stealing. I bet he has borrowed money off her repeatedly and now she only gives it on condition of being able to take it back from his account when he has money again. Even then you only have his word that she logged in and made the transfer, not him.

I agree with this....I do not believe that he hasn't checked his bank account for 7 years.

Walk away...

He’s on disability
And his mom has taken almost £1000
I guess we know who paid for Newcastle

How did he know he was 600 into his overdraft in Newcastle if he never checks his balance?