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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 20:53

We were at a fairly bog standard hotel for 3 nights

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 05/10/2019 20:55

Present was his flight I presume?

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 20:56

That’s £116 per night. I would have thought that would get you a nice hotel in Newcastle. Have you checked online to see if she charged you the actual rate?

SandraOhshair · 05/10/2019 21:15

I cannot believe your boyfriend thought that he was going to Newcastle for 3 nights and all that would entail and not put his hand in his pocket once.
I find it hard to believe his parents would think he could afford it either, after a couple of months off sick.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 21:21

I don't think anyone thought he could afford it. I think they all expected I'd get my card out.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 21:21

I'd be pissed off as well.

The cheek of going away without a penny.

Your first mistake was asking his DM how much. You should have stayed schtum, but the fact she then asked for £350... surely this was their 'gift'.

Him sitting on his hands at paying time, there is nothing more unattractive (in a man or woman).

You're well out of it.

SandraOhshair · 05/10/2019 21:41

I don't think anyone thought he could afford it. I think they all expected I'd get my card out

I'm speechless!

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 05/10/2019 21:46

Knobbers. The lot of them!

Aderyn19 · 05/10/2019 21:48

I'm really surprised his mum expected you to pay even your share (let alone his) of the hotel - if I was treating my DC for their birthday to a trip, that would include the whole room cost.
Mind, if my DC was off work long term and therefore struggling financially, I'd be giving them money to help with living expenses rather than taking them on a spendy trip. Even if the parents paid the room and flight, it should be obvious that he would need to spend money that he clearly doesn't have.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 05/10/2019 21:51

I feel a bit sorry for him. Its a crap present from his parents when they know he is skint. A present shouldn't cost money

Rachelle11 · 05/10/2019 22:08

Do they actually know he is broke though?

marblesgoing · 05/10/2019 22:14

Don't think it matters whether they know he's broke or not really.

His family cocked up and expected op to pay for him Confused

Whether he could afford it or not isn't down to op and the fact he then went and took money out at cashpoint goes to show he did have the money but was hoping op would pay.

If he's known for six months he's had six months to talk to his family and discuss cost hotels etc etc.

He doesn't really sound altogether responsible at 40 at all op and I'd be doing a bloody runner permanently if it was me

timshelthechoice · 05/10/2019 22:33

I genuinely do not know what their present was to him - nothing as far as I can see.

His flights.

And he also expected you to get your card out and even give him money for spends. He never said, 'Oi, I thought this was a treat from you, why is OP expected to pay?'

Honestly, OP, give your head a wobble. He's FORTY. He had six months to save up for spends at the least, to communicate with his family about all this but he sat back and did FA and then expected you to pay for him whilst he also kicked back and accepted another expensive present from you. You ought to have given him some Brasso for his neck.

You feel sorry for him? Good grief! This guy is a loser and your middle name is Mug if you stay with him.

lowbudgetnigella · 05/10/2019 22:45

Hope you are back safe.
Seems to me they had allocated some money for sons 40th treat and instead of giving it to him for a trip to Rome they used it to find their trip to Newcastle so he can have the pleasure of their company.
It's just rubbish of them

MadeForThis · 05/10/2019 22:51

Check the price of the hotel online. I wonder if the £350 was subsidising his DPs as well??

saraclara · 05/10/2019 23:09

About the hotel payment - his mum paid it upfront , the day before and I texted to ask how much I owed so I could transfer and she responded 'its 350 for both of you'

If you assumed she was paying, why did you text to ask what you owed, @Stfrancescof ?

granadagirl · 05/10/2019 23:09

Cheeky fuckers, if you wanted to treat your bf then you would off yourself instead off it bing pushed upon you.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 05/10/2019 23:12

If you assumed she was paying, why did you text to ask what you owed, @Stfrancescof**

Because OP assumed her DP’s parents would be paying for his share. So she text to ask what she owed for her share.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/10/2019 23:19

To be honest, I think the writing was on the wall the second he didn't stand up to his parents and say 'Newcastle?!?! No thanks, what happened to Rome?'

Although this sounds stupendously ungrateful, I'm just wondering why he didn't even seem to question the change of location. Unless he doesn't have a passport...

cstaff · 05/10/2019 23:50

Well you can see where his CFery comes from. You don't have to look too far. I can't believe his parents were expecting you to pay for the hotel room when they were treating their son. Jesus wept. I am actually raging for you that you paid half of it. Just take this as a sign of things to come from both him and his folks if you stay.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2019 01:34

While I understand you feeling guilty, DON'T.

You did exactly the right thing, for you and for him, tbh, as the resentment you were feeling would have clouded your, and probably everyone else's, enjoyment of his actual birthday.

40! FFS, he's a manchild. I would say it's far too late for him to grow up now, he's been like this for half his projected lifespan, if he hasn't sorted it out by now he's not likely to, so that needs to be factored in to your decision about the relationship continuing.

He's obviously used to drifting through and things somehow working themselves out - you've given him a bit of a wake-up call but I doubt it will be enough.

I hope you're not too sad about it though - if you do decide this is the end, then it is sad to be losing your relationship, but (in all honesty) far better to cull it at this stage than limp on for a few more months/years while he drains you.

Topseyt · 06/10/2019 01:56

My BIL was a manchild and hopeless with money at forty. He's nearing 50 now and nothing has changed.

Well done for getting yourself out of that situation. Try not to feel guilty. The whole situation was a fuck up between him and his parents, for which he expected you to pay.

A manchild usually won't suddenly just grow up. My BIL is showing no signs of it. Keep that in mind now.

I hope you got home safely.

Witchinaditch · 06/10/2019 07:15

When someone pays for you to go somewhere isn’t it usually travel/hotel costs as And you cover the rest yourself? I’ve bought flights for people before but not the spending money for the weekends. What have they offered to pay for?

Bucatini · 06/10/2019 07:33

Witchinaditch the issue here is that the birthday boy has no money to spare. So if his parents were planning to only pay for flights and hotel (fine) and they know he can't afford it, what were they expecting to happen? Why should the OP pay for her partner when it's not a present from her?

Elodie2019 · 06/10/2019 07:48

What made them choose Newcastle over Rome? Are there family connections? The fact that you had to fly there too! Did his parents have to fly there or do they live closer?

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