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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 06/10/2019 07:50

Also, has your boyfriend been in touch since you left?

coconuttelegraph · 06/10/2019 07:53

When someone pays for you to go somewhere isn’t it usually travel/hotel costs as And you cover the rest yourself

This is no not an area covered by any kind of rules or etiquette that it's really key to sort out the finances beforehand. It doesn't matter what I would assume or what someone else's family does, unfortunately the OP has learnt the hard way but hopefully it will end up for the best as she now knows he's a useless manchild.

SnowsInWater · 06/10/2019 07:57

I assumed you were in your 20s! A 40yo should know how to graciously say "sorry, I can't afford to do this". The fact that he didn't and was happy to go away expecting either you or his parents to pay for him would make me run a mile.

Hesafriendfromwork · 06/10/2019 08:02

Don't think it matters whether they know he's broke or not really.

Of course it matters. I have been off sick and not skint. Because I had savings. They may believe he does.

I very much doubt that his mother decided she was only paying for flights not the hotel and did not have a converstation with him about it.

Its likely he really wanted to go and told it was fine that he had the money or his girlfriend has said she was going to pay.

Which would account for the mother assuming that she or they were paying.

MrHaroldFry · 06/10/2019 08:02

Hello OP. I hope the rest of your journey home, though long, was uneventful. I also hope you got some well earned sleep.
Please don't post-mortem this over and over and question your judgement. At best, it was crossed wires (who would pay for what) at worst it was expectation that you would pay his share.
The family, and especially his parents, evidently assumed you would foot the bill, in its entirety for every meal, drink and other spends for you both. You, quite rightly, thought they were treating him and so had no expectation, nor did you agree, to this arrangement. Financial Planning and money expectations seem to be wildly different for each of you. This is an alarm bell for me.
I think you made a difficult but correct decision to go home. I hope you find the right answer for you when you asses the long term and future prospects for a relationship with this man.

billybagpuss · 06/10/2019 08:15

Hope you got home safely, do you think you’ll stay together now?

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 06/10/2019 10:05

Thanks @mrharoldfry Flowers
I am home safely and woke up in own bed. Thanks all for the support. Well I definitely need space so I'm going to say it's time for a break to work out what we both want. Thanks again everyone Flowers

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/10/2019 10:20

OP I just wanted to share something with you...the very first time I was taken by my now husband to meet his parents ...I drove 200 miles very excited to meet my new family ...I was pregnant too...we arrived at lunch...no lunch for us..they always apparently have fish and chips on a saturday so thats what we were having..Husband to be then went with his father to get said fish n chips (I hate fish and chips!) they arrived home and I got told by fil I owed his 26.00 for fish and chips...He thought it would be nice if we got off on the right footing and as I was meeting them it was my job to treat them....believe me gobsmacked was not the word.I chucked 40 quid at him cos thats all I had in my purse and told him to keep the change for going....then all I heard was them saying all afternoon how their son had landed on his feet with me,,cos I had my home a car and a job.I couldnt get out of there quick enough...parasites both of them,That was the very last time they used me ...I am happily married still but they were cheeky fuckers who were sussed right from the start! So your not the only one taken in lovely lady! just wanted you to know that,Take care of yourself,,you have had quite an eye opening time of it...best wishes sent.

WickedLemon · 06/10/2019 10:23

I got told by fil I owed his 26.00 for fish and chips...He thought it would be nice if we got off on the right footing and as I was meeting them it was my job to treat them....believe me gobsmacked was not the word.I chucked 40 quid at him cos thats all I had in my purse and told him to keep the change for going

Wow.

The utter contempt I’d feel towards a partner who stood by and let his father treat me like that and his parents spend the rest of the weekend talking about me like that, would mean I just couldn’t go on to marry him.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/10/2019 10:33

To be fair wicked lemon he was as gobsmacked as I was! We don;t have much to do with them at all anymore our daughter is 7 she has seen then about 4 times ...it works for us! And if we do go we stop have a lovely meal in a pub then go to their house!

HJWT · 06/10/2019 13:34

@WickedLemon @Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I know I would of definitely told them all were to go 😱😂

Teateaandmoretea · 06/10/2019 13:41

He's 40 omg when I read this I assumed he was about 20 ShockShock.

Yanbu at all OP, it's baffling enough that his parents treated you to a birthday weekend that you had to pay for entirely (which you sucked up with good grace). And that then you were expected to pay for him too is just another level. I suppose his parents perhaps didn't realise that he has literally no money at all? 🤦🏻‍♀️. But even so it was meant to be a birthday present .....

Nowt as odd as folks

fedup21 · 06/10/2019 13:45

The utter contempt I’d feel towards a partner who stood by and let his father treat me like that and his parents spend the rest of the weekend talking about me like that, would mean I just couldn’t go on to marry him.

This-absolutely.

laraitopbanana · 06/10/2019 17:32

Say what?
Outch!! That is sooooo outrageous yes!!
And well done for you not to let yourself being bullied in paying their own gift 😳

Sb74 · 06/10/2019 17:39

Good luck op. Well done for being brave.

SunshineCake · 06/10/2019 17:50

Not everyone who has badly behaved parents behaves badly themselves Hmm.

My birth parents are shite parents but I have brought up three amazing kids despite not having any parental loving role models.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 06/10/2019 17:59

Considering you are in dire financial situation you should have got finances locked down clearly before even agreeing to be part of this
If you had known you could have paid everything for him as your birthday treat ?
You should never assume anything in group situations people come at these things with very different expectations

BorisJohnsonsSecateurs · 06/10/2019 18:03

Ffs what a manchild!

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2019 18:03

I'm sorry op, but his behaviour indicates to me he expected you to pay and told his parents you would. He then told you he would pay.

If it wasn't the case he'd have behaved very differently when it came to you being asked for money. He was going to let you pay it. When you didn't respond to his mum's text I'd bet good money she told him what you'd said.

This man will know his family dynamic, and splitting by couples is very normal. The fact he did not step in about the whip indicates strongly he had told them you were paying for him.

I think you need to end it. For good.

Angrywife · 06/10/2019 18:11

***Nofunkingworriesmate

Considering you are in dire financial situation you should have got finances locked down clearly before even agreeing to be part of this
If you had known you could have paid everything for him as your birthday treat ?
You should never assume anything in group situations people come at these things with very different expectations***

Where did you read or get the impression that the OP is in a dire financial situation?? I assume you read the bit where she said her boyfriend had been on ssp? Did you not then also read the part where she said they are not married and do not live together??

Honestly, the shit people make up as they read posts is incredible

gill1960 · 06/10/2019 18:11

They are awful ...not you

I wouldn't have anything to do with them ever again

Nofunkingworriesmate · 06/10/2019 18:24

angrywife he has no money that to me is a dire financial situation??? The whole tension and drama is because she is not in a financial situation to sub him or afford a train home without it being really stressful that to me is dire financial situation??? I don’t think I’ve made any shit up

MoreProseccoNow · 06/10/2019 18:30

@Nofunkingworriesmate - OP already treated her "D"P for his birthday. This weekend away was an additional "gift" from his parents.

lalafafa · 06/10/2019 18:59

Run for the hills, if he hasn’t got penny to his name by 40 he never will.

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 19:25

I'll be interested to know how he has explained your absence to his family, hee hee, and what he has to say on his return. Please do tell us.

I'm glad you're home safe and sound, you were right to leave.

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