Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovenor · 06/10/2019 19:26

@nofunkingworriesmate

Unfortunately you have 'made' bits up. I think that you've misread parts of the thread. She has plenty of money. She lent him £150. He then used part of this to pay for her train fare, out of the money that she had lent him. She could have afforded the train fare. And she could clearly afford the weekend and the previous one.

Teateaandmoretea · 06/10/2019 19:42

She has plenty of money.

Now who's making things up 🤷🏻‍♀️. She's got more money than him (not hard) but over and above that has said nothing of the sort.

Cheekychunkyredmonkey · 06/10/2019 20:23

Run. Run as fast as you can. It starts with paying for things. Then little loans. Before you know it your in debt and they are still living out of an overdraft. Phone contract in my name. Rent on my credit card. Nearly 3 grand handed over. Pregnant no support and he let me walk away with no fight and in debt. Don’t be a mug like me. You deserve so much better.

MummyofTw0 · 06/10/2019 20:25

I totally see why you’re annoyed and I don’t blame you for leaving: however, personally I would have seen his birthday out and just paid my own share

Good on you though

Italiangreyhound · 06/10/2019 20:42

OP " I definitely need space so I'm going to say it's time for a break to work out what we both want." Glad to hear it. Thanks

Kisskiss · 06/10/2019 21:04

Hes 40?!?! Omg. I thought he was in his early 20s or

I think the problem is more with him than his family ( ok they need to communicate better regarding what they consider to be a treat)

Flight and hotel is reasonable, flight hotel and all costs would be generous . I’m not sure them splitting dinner by couple meant they wanted OP to pay for the bf.. think they just wanted to hint that they weren’t going to be covering him...

Kisskiss · 06/10/2019 21:07

ps his attitude is crap. Why should he expect his parents or gf to pay for everything???? One birthday treat, cool, everything for a 3 day weekend is a bit entitled

GU24Mum · 06/10/2019 21:13

Hi OP,
Hope you've had a good day. Sounds like you've managed to extricate yourself without too much drama which should give you time to work out what you want to do. Much better than staying!
Hope everything pans out OK either way.

Honeyroar · 06/10/2019 21:18

What a nightmare! Glad you're home. I'd love to know what the conversation in Newcastle is like!

BumbleBeee69 · 06/10/2019 22:51

Ditch him OP. Flowers

Celestine70 · 06/10/2019 22:59

I feel bad for him,he thought he was getting a treat.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/10/2019 23:24

I feel bad for him,he thought he was getting a treat

at OP's expense, and his parents, at 40 Hmm

Ferret27 · 07/10/2019 00:26

W

Countryescape · 07/10/2019 02:44

He has behaved appallingly OP and has shown you who he really is. His parents have also behaved badly. I can't believe he is 40!! He is an embarrassment. Good on you for getting on the train. Please dump him. It's awful you have had this experience but really you have had a lucky escape. Don't go back there again!!

macmustard · 07/10/2019 03:46

I'd be concerned anyway about someone at 40 (no kids?) being that broke after not working for 2 months. Maybe I've missed it somewhere, but it's only been 2 months - does he normally not save anything?

BellyButton85 · 07/10/2019 03:59

Where the bloody hell do you live that you have to get flights to Newcastle and trains 'are a long long journey?!'

Intheupsidedown · 07/10/2019 06:33

@bellybutton85.... Wales? Devon? Dorset? Cornwall? Dover? Anywhere between there and the Midlands?

If I wanted to get to Newcastle by train it would take me hours and several changes. Driving would take at least half a day

MyOtherProfile · 07/10/2019 07:20

at OP's expense, and his parents, at 40 hmm

Ok I get the hmm at the OPs expense but not his parents. It was supposed to be a birthday present. It was quite a generous one if they had actually followed through but it's not that odd to treat a family member to a few days away for a big birthday if you can afford it, is it?

ToftyAC · 07/10/2019 07:30

OP you did exactly the right thing by making a stand and leaving. Though you must be very upset right now, I genuinely believe you’ve saved yourself heartbreak (and money loss) down the line. You deserve better and you’ll find better.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 07:41

As the parents thought she was paying, and she thought the parents were paying, I strongly suspect there is more to this story and I'd be wondering exactly what he said to either side.

Ginfordinner · 07/10/2019 08:29

Look at a map of the UK Bellybuttons

eddielizzard · 07/10/2019 08:34

Agree with Bluntness100, sounds like he's manipulated you.

Jack80 · 07/10/2019 10:03

I would pay this time if you have it then never go away again and make it clear you won't be.

Cloglover · 07/10/2019 10:46

I'm glad you got home safely op, and glad you left with dignity. Only you know if this is out of character for your oh. We all fuck up, and if he's been sick he might be feeling a bit vulnerable or anxious and not making great decisions. However if this is a pattern of his behaviour that he just expects other people to take the default responsibility - be it his parents or you this is a huge red flag. If you are going to commit to someone you need to know if the shit hits the fan they have you back. You sound like you're in that place but if he's not - do you possibly want to tie yourself up financially or have a child with someone who is not reliable. In his defense, he sounds like he comes from a family who aren't very empathetic or generous so he may not have had great role models. But by 40, he should have sussed them out and take responsibility for himself rather than just bury his head in the sand.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 10:51

Agree with Bluntness100, sounds like he's manipulated you

Yes, the fact he didn't step in, and didn't get any cash out indicates strongly there is more to this. It's highly unlikely his parents offered a gift then decided the op should pay with no input from him.

So my guess this is down to him. He has assumed the op would pay for him. And told his parents as much.

Swipe left for the next trending thread