Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 07/10/2019 13:25

Weird How did it go from a couples holiday in Rome to whole family in newcastle was dp even consulted !?!
All of this upset could have been avoided with one clear conversation about expected costs , he should have had this with his folks, however awkward, then you’d have opportunity to either pay or everything as his big birthday treat maybe, or you / or both not go, weird they organised something he could not afford
Very bad communication all round

Dotcomma · 07/10/2019 23:56

Indeed there were conversations that should have been had beforehand. How many went? If you'd suggested taking him away, just the two of you, and then his mum hijacks the whole thing and calls it a treat, then you would have thought she'd follow it up with what she was prepared to pay and who for. Have they had times away previously & who paid for everything?

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 08:13

Ok but bit of an update that I could do with translating. Did not dump bf, had a.break and Ive said that unless he has online banking and a budgeting app which shows how much he has left for spends then I won't go anywhere with him. Since Newcastle we have not gone out once.

Yesterday I said ok I'll help you do your budget let's download yolt - he was fairly huffy and embarrssed but we got through it. I showed him how to allocate all his spends to relevant pots.

Here was the upshot:
He rarely checks his bank account and could be due an 800 pound refund due to a transaction error
He has been overspending on his phone contact by 30 quid for years

Ok not great but solvable

And then!
His mum has taken out a loan in his name, told him it was for 6.5k for his car but the figures don't tally (276 per month going out, he says for 3 years) and it looks like there is a 10k loan he is paying off at 8 per cent !! Who allows someone to take a loan out in their name?!? He has no idea where the paperwork is.
Then there were random payments to his mum for 600, 300, 100 none of which he said he had transferred and couldn't

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 08:16

Remember what they were for. It turns out he gave his mum. His banking details years ago when she was in financial trouble and she has been making payments ever since ! Without telling him! She would know he never checks his bank account. I don't know what to think tbh

eddielizzard · 25/10/2019 08:17

His mum is stealing from him!

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 08:18

And he should say he also came clean and said he hadn't checked his bank account for 7 years. 7 years!!!!

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 08:18

I think she may be but surely this is unbelievable??

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 08:19

Also of course I saw what was spent in Newcastle after I left and apart from one entry price to a tourist attraction he paid nothing after I left so clearly they did pay for him once I'd gone .
Don't know what to think about that either.

honeylulu · 25/10/2019 08:20

Omg!! His mother has been stealing from him for years!!!

Including £3.5k of the loan it sounds like ...

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 08:22

I have never ever heard of anything like this in my life and feel absolutely incredulous about it. Does this actually happen??

Blueoasis · 25/10/2019 08:31

Name change failure just so you know op. Just keeps all your posts the same colour. Smile

I think he's actually too stupid to have been manipulating you. He let his mum take out a loan in his name? How many times has that happened? She is stealing from him and no doubt has for years. Run away from him he is a financial nightmare. Imagine if you bought a house together, she'd have her name on the deeds I bet.

BarbaraofSeville · 25/10/2019 08:39

He needs to change his banking log in details immediately. And see about getting his mum to repay him, and decide whether or not he wants to report her to the police for theft/fraud.

Teateaandmoretea · 25/10/2019 08:53

I'm with blue oasis. This is a man in his 40s not a naive 18 year old. A relationship needs to be equal, this one never will be if he is honestly that daft.

ExtinctionN0tT0day · 25/10/2019 09:01

I haven't read all pages

If he is well enough to go away for a weekend, he is well enough to work ?

UrkStarkadder · 25/10/2019 09:23

Christ OP, this has taken a dark twist. His mother is stealing from him, how does he feel about that? What has he said? Who the fuck doesn’t check their account for 7 years?!
His DM sounds a real piece of work. Obviously he needs to change bank logging in details to put a stop to her nefarious activities but he needs to address that loan issue. Is there any way he can get out of it? It’s fraudulent. He agreed to a certain amount and his DM stitched him up like a kipper.
Certainly she needs to repay or he should start theft and fraud proceedings; difficult given its family but shitting hell, who does that?!

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 09:44

@ExtinctionN0tT0day you need to RTFT 🙄

Also being signed off from work,for whatever reason, doesn’t mean you have to stick to your sickbed.

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 09:45

OP, please persuade him to go to the police. I doubt he will but it’s insane - financial abuse and fraud.

Lunde · 25/10/2019 09:52

His Mum has been stealing from him for years and generally using him as an ATM! No wonder they wanted to "treat" him - he had been paying for their treats for years

He needs to change all of his passwords and also put a marker on his credit so that loans cannot be taken out in his name

VaggieMight · 25/10/2019 09:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

krustykittens · 25/10/2019 10:20

OMG, OP, this is awful! But honestly, while I feel sorry for him for what his clearly abusive Mum is doing to him, how he deals with it should be telling you if you want to stick with him or not. If he refuses to confront her, or do anything to sort out this mess, walk away. He will just drag you into this mess.

Intheupsidedown · 25/10/2019 10:30

Wow I thought it was bad enough when I met my dh that he hadnt changed car insurance for 5 years but this is crazy!!

I have come across parental financial abuse but that was with parents who were meant to be paying for care for their adult children who had learning difficulties etc.

One mother spent all the benefits on online bingo instead of care bills.

Personally even if you didn't want to stay with him I would be compelled to help him no matter his age. If people are not taught how to manage funds etc by their guardians or parents then they wont know where to start.

He needs to change his bank accounts and could possibly find some deals to change.

But before that yes pay out for a full Experian check and maybe a couple of others to check what loans etc are showing against his name. If he doesn't recognise any or logged against a different address I am sure if he contacted the company they would be able to help investigate and look into fraud.

He wont like battling against his mum for this but she may end up screwing up the rest of his life financially and I am sure he has more years than her to go.

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 10:41

Thanks for responses all.

I wonder if there is more to it like he was given money at uni and this they have agreed to repay it.

I have given him a list of things to do like find out about loan, call the bank and ask for a total that 'he' had paid to him mum - as we only went back 4 months on yolt.

I agree he needs help and I will try my best to help him monitor and track what's happened to his money, to budget and plan ahead - more than that I cannot do though, nor do I want to be his financial overseer. What an extraordinary situation!

Stfrancesof · 25/10/2019 10:43

Can't get over the fact that once I left they paid for him but were happy for me to pick up the bill once there. I need to let that one go though I think in light of recent revelations!

mcmooberry · 25/10/2019 11:00

Somehow I missed the live original thread but OMG!! That mother sounds like a piece of work alright, stick around to tackle her!! And keep us updated!!

Honeyroar · 25/10/2019 12:02

Far too much of a mess! I really would walk away from it all. It's going to be an issue for years, both him being bad with money and his mother's involvement. Find someone who is an adult!