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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

347 replies

Freefalling2 · 05/10/2019 01:12

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/10/2019 08:08

Your friends suck OP.
People do tend to cancel but my friends at least all made an effort to attend people’s landmark birthdays- 18th, 30th etc.if nothing else because they wanted them to attend theirs

Tumbleweed101 · 05/10/2019 08:08

I feel for you. My 40th was a bit of a flop.

Is your mum babysitting at her house? If so leave that arrangement in place and have a nice lay in and lazy morning. I’d keep the money and treat myself to something a bit bigger and more special than usual.

I understand it won’t stop the hurt in the situation though.

Potnoodledoo · 05/10/2019 08:10

I would give them their refund,as its not your money to keep.And just dont bother with them again.

But still do something with the friend that hasnt cancelled,and plaster it all over FB.Let them see they havent ruined your birthday.

ShimmeryShiny · 05/10/2019 08:12

That is really shit. Time for some new friends!

FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 08:13

I had a party at home for my birthday. BBQ, fire, drinks, evening time etc.

Organised on Facebook / WhatsApp. 11 people had been maybe / yes. Obviously I catered for the maybe people too.

Only 3 people came. I felt like crap and haven't bothered since. It was so embarrassing. 😒

StealthPolarBear · 05/10/2019 08:14

Friend six hasn't pulled out yet. I'd still go with two friends

Mammylamb · 05/10/2019 08:15

Go yourself if the last woman drops out. Get a takeaway and a good book and relax for the night

FlipFlopChipShop · 05/10/2019 08:15

I wouldn't keep their money at all. It will get back to them. If it was me (and I was a guest) then I would be calling the hotel to see if the deposit was refundable etc.

Just give them back what they are owed if it's cancelled.

ThisIsTheThirdTime · 05/10/2019 08:16

I would be pissed off too. Some people just don't seem to understand that not everyone can just simply replace the friends with family! It's shit of your friends and honestly I would ditch them. The last one left who is coming, I would text and say you are still up for it but could perhaps go see a film rather than drinks out? Or change the plan? Depends on what they are like. Or ask them straight up if they are going to cancel too. They might not be!

If everyone cancels I would be very tempted to go and stay in the apartment with a face mask, wine, film, take away etc alone and have my bloody child free night. Especially if my mum would love that you have been caused pain,

If you don't want to do that then get the money back and treat yourself!

Phineyj · 05/10/2019 08:19

I don't have any more good suggestions but I'm sorry this happened and I think you should do something nice with the friend(s) that are left. I think I'd give the refundable money back though - be the bigger person - but I'd remember!

StealthPolarBear · 05/10/2019 08:20

Why go and see afolm?
I'd keep the booking as is ad go with two friends

suggestionsplease1 · 05/10/2019 08:20

I would return their money and think it's slightly fraudulent not to. The fact that they were prepared to commit money suggests they were invested, they did intend to go. People can be flaky and it's really hurtful but at the same time you run the risk of burning bridges if you make too much of it. Now you might decide that that's worth it because you were hurt that much and you're quite happy to lose friendships of people like that, but you might also be cutting your nose off to spite your face. I have a few unreliable friends and I know it's not because they're malicious, they just have to prioritize other things at times. I value the friends who would do anything for me much more but I still enjoy having the more unreliable ones in my lives...I just make suggestions that they are more likely to go for and that I am not overly invested in, and we have a blast if plans work out.

Winesalot · 05/10/2019 08:21

How frustrating. I have found though that this very often happens when DCs are involved. And it isn’t just little ones. Sadly. It does seem like a sign of the times though. Everyone is just so busy and busy being busy.

It can be very upsetting and make you feel like you are worthless. However, unless you are happy to drop this group of friends, applying pressure will not help future relations if this is a ‘group’ as opposed to people who don’t normally do things together.

If you still have one or two who are up for it, then do it. Sure it is not the big celebration but you might find that it feeds your soul better than a large group who end up splitting into smaller groups and making you feel ignored over the night anyway. This happens more often than not with a group this size.

If you do cancel then yes, do refund the money. Some of the reasons will be very real and not on the flaky side.

20viona · 05/10/2019 08:23

If they already think it's none refundable then it isn't a big deal to lose the money for them, so previous posters saying it's expensive etc need not comment.
Also @Gingerkittykat what a ridiculous comment to make and very unhelpful.

I have friends that always cancel and it pisses me right off, if I say I'm going somewhere I never back out. I attended a friends 30th party and I gave birth that week, I refuse to be THAT friend that you can't rely on.
Still enjoy your night OP.

ScreamingValenta · 05/10/2019 08:24

YANBU. I never organise things for this reason. I have bitter memories of a work meal out I organised for 12 people ... only two actually turned up. I have come to the conclusion that when people reply to say they will come to an event, what they really mean is:

  • I'll come if I don't get a better offer in the meaning
  • I'll probably feel like lounging on the sofa at home with a takeaway instead, but I'll accept just in case I feel like going out that night
  • I'll come if all the popular people come but if they bail, I'll bail
  • I can't be arsed to check whether I've got anything planned that night so I'll accept, then bail out when I discover it clashes with something else
Unknownanon · 05/10/2019 08:24

Don't refund anything. You have 1 person still up for it who hasn't let you down. Go with her and have a great time.

Good on you for telling them how disappointed you are.

MsTSwift · 05/10/2019 08:25

I agree it’s crap and flaky I would never let people down as put myself in shoes of organiser. However suggestions gives wise advice. Don’t burn bridges if they good friends in other ways. I have massively lowered my expectations of other people which helps.

That said am panicking myself now as arranged a birthday party here for a few weeks time this thread freaked me out! Allegedly 38 coming or maybe will be me dh my sisters and 1 bil and a lot of wine and crisps!

minesagin37 · 05/10/2019 08:25

Bloody hell I would be upset too. Tell them they have upset you and you feel undervalued. Don't be a doormat.

LlamaPjama · 05/10/2019 08:25

I would seriously happily come to a strangers 40th birthday party - someone else has said they'll go. So just 4 to go??

StealthPolarBear · 05/10/2019 08:26

2 people are still up for it.
Don't refund. Use the apartment.

StealthPolarBear · 05/10/2019 08:27

Llama do you know where it is? You might be committing to travel hundreds of miles

Unknownanon · 05/10/2019 08:30

And i would focus on the non drop outs at any party. While the others are out of order (unless they have a true reason not flakiness,)the non drop outs are worth holding onto.

I've flaked on a friends evening celebration once and felt awful, my.fruend was upset and i get why. Never again. I'd had a baby a few months before, terrible anxiety and double incontinence and just got up my nerve to go when my only person i knew who was going with me, my dh, came down with norovirus. I couldn't cope and could only apologise, send a gift and hide miserably in bed.

OwlinaTree · 05/10/2019 08:31

It's too easy to cancel in these days of social media. In the days when you would actually have to phone someone and say 'sorry I can't come the cat is ill' people don't like to do it so they just go ahead with the commitment. Now they can just fire off a quick message they don't have to really deal with letting someone down.

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 08:32

Yes let’s kick OP down more by offering to make up the numbers for her party, and then when you find out she lives hundreds of miles away, tell her sorry it’s too far.

Whatevskev · 05/10/2019 08:33

People are so flaky OP
It’s not you really it’s not

I’ve organised a few biggish events in the last ten years (40th, Xmas drinks etc) and each time spent the 24 hrs before getting Rubbish excuse after excuse and seeing the number dwindle
One of them was a surprise bday party for a friend and we had 55 acceptances and I hired a pub room and buffet (at my own expense and wasn’t charging). An hour before the big surprise we were down to 12 expected to be there. I was beyond stressed!

Never ever again
I don’t even bother going out for a coffee for my bday now.