To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

[Freefalling2]

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

I think it's really shitty when this happens OP and completely understand why you'd be upset. Could you keep the money and treat yourself to a nicer hotel with maybe a spa whilst your daughter is looked after? I know it's not the same but some pamper time might be nice Or maybe your other friend is still up for it and you could end up having a great night just the two of you...bigger groups always tend to split off anyway!

It does make you feel worthless. I totally get that. But you aren't. Really.

If all else fails, DEFINITELY keep the money. Spend it on a treat for you.

So take your mum and daughter. Room each. 6 breakfasts to eat- so you could go twice- once early and then later (breakfast and lunch)

YANBU. I've just stopped celebrating my birthday as no one can be fucked to do anything for it and it just made me feel crap

@Gingerkittykat - stop projecting.

Cancel the lot OP and take the money and keep it. Maybe wait and see something else you would like to do and offer to take the person who didn't pull out on you. Fuck the rest of them.

It's disappointing that they are all on a group chat and can see each other dropping out, that no one is making any effort apart from one, to re-schedule. Unfortunately, chances are someone was always going to drop out, we had quite a number drop out of Hubby's big digit birthday all in the last week leading up to the day, and after I paid for final numbers too!

I would go with the re-scheduling suggestion. Yes it's grim that its' not on The Day, but just move on with it and them.

It sounds like OP'a mum would be just about the worst person to invite!

YANBU It's horrible to feel undervalued. Do your friends know how important this was to you? I e found that friends with a busier social life and go out every weekend don't realise how much others look forward to a rare treat. Maybe if you mention it to one of the closer three friends they might spread the word to the others and they might have a rethink? I feel for you lovely x

They are flaky and useless. Can’t leave a 2 year old? Whatever. Definitely keep the money OP and ditch those so called friends

It's absolutely shit of them. Terrible manners, and unsympathetic to boot. Unless there's a crisis, one follows through on things like this. They should very frankly be ashamed of themselves, and no, I wouldn't change it to another day.

I like the idea of doing something small and fun with the one friend who hasn't bailed. No, it won't be the same, but maybe you can splurge a little bit more? Or, book yourself something gorgeous in a very nice hotel room and have a Very Long Bath and a whole bottle of bubbles (wine, not bath), just for yourself.

I am in a very nice hotel as we speak, and the front desk asked me whether I wanted their spa collection to be delivered to my room (I did) and I am waiting for my room service with an exquisite steak and very nice wine to arrive while sitting on the crispest sheets in the world. I am so, so happy to be here all by myself with no-one asking anything of me. I can't recommend it enough. I am alone, but it makes alone feel like a treat.

@hiddenworlds

So take your mum and daughter. Room each. 6 breakfasts to eat- so you could go twice- once early and then later (breakfast and lunch)

Hidden, it’s pretty clear OP doesn’t have a great relationship with her mum?

Some of these suggestions are just rubbing salt in OP’s wounds.

OP, I wouldn’t refund the money. 7 x £25 is £175, a nice tidy sum for a luxury hotel and dinner for you. Or a nice shooting spree for you.

How disappointing OP. Keep the money and spend it on a birthday treat for yourself. I would still go and stay in the hotel, and enjoy a quiet night and sleep in.

This has been my experience many times. I still organise things, but there is no way I'd be game enough to organise anything involving an overnight stay - that's just begging people to drop out. Although I'd love to have a birthday night out with drinks, meal and hotel, I keep it to an early dinner at a very local restaurant. I know that's the most my friends are up for.

Keep the refund. Buy / do something you want to do. And start to do things you want on your own. It’s really hard at first - but does get easier. You realise what you’ve missed by hoping others will join you - but soon they realise that you are strong and confident and are having fun and are comfortable on your own. Fake it until you feel it - and proper friends will flock to your new confidence and aura of self worth.

*shopping spree

i have massive amounts of empathy for you, OP. We're a similar age and it is SO SO hard to find good reliable friends. I know how much it hurts when you realize that what you think you have isn't what you think it is.

If i were you I'd go by myself, with a bottle of fizz, order a huge takeaway of your favourite meal, watch a movie, whatever. it won't be as fun alone, but you can find satisfaction in knowing they've all essentially paid for letting you down

where is this apartment and how much is it?I'm sure between us all we could sort this out

If they've already paid the money to the hotel tell the lot of them it's unrefundable. Contact the hotel and tell them there's a change of rooms and use that £400 in the hotel yourself getting the best room and pamper packages for you and the one loyal friend x

If they've already paid the money to the hotel tell the lot of them it's unrefundable. Contact the hotel and tell them there's a change of rooms and use that £400 in the hotel yourself getting the best room and pamper packages for you and the one loyal friend

That sounds like a good plan to me. Aww, OP, your friends are useless. I'm so sorry. You've done right to let them know you're upset.

The hotel is cheap and cheerful. I wouldn’t spend £400 on their best room there.

@3kidsnomore

where is this apartment and how much is it?I'm sure between us all we could sort this out

Sort this out how?

That's pretty shitty of your friends. Getting ready in a hotel with a bunch of women sounds like my idea of hell, but I'd never have agreed in the first place, I'd never have booked and then dropped out, that's just rude.

I’m wondering if you’re a people pleaser. What i learnt is that people used to treat me like shit because they could . I didn’t put up a fight. Didn’t make a fuss. And would do so much stuff for them with nothing in return. Now you have finally put a boundary in place and said no more, you may find yourself almost friendless for a while. But you will find new friends, who treat you well because you deserve it.

Do something selfish for you. A luxury night away alone with a favourite takeaway sounds perfect. Don’t even tell your mum the plans have changed. She then can’t crow to you if that is what you think she will do. You can choose to tell her after the event if you wish. Not before to ensure she doesn’t scupper your plans. Staying alone in your home with your dd is worlds apart from sleeping in a comfy king size bed with fresh linen and no one to please but yourself.

Have I read this right? ONE person hasn't dropped out??

If so, get whatever money you can get back and spend it on new plans...a night out with her.

Normally would say 'give the money back' but in this case, fuck it. What they don't know won't kill them.
Nasty women.

Who the fuck wants to go to a city centre apartment with their 3yo and their 70yr old mum when they were expecting a drunken girls night out for their birthday? I'm sorry but those suggestions are bloody stupid and it sounds like you are kicking OP when she is down. Just stop.

OP - keep the money. Spend it on yourself. I'm sorry your friends have shot you out. I hope in the future you manage to Ake some better friends and get the birthday celebration you've always wanted.

Where are you?? I'll come on a night out with you for your birthday!!! Ive got three kids who is love a night away from!