To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

[Freefalling2]

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

I never organise anything either. I couldn't cope with this. I'm really sorry this happened to you freefalling. I think it's maybe just bad luck though. The friends all paid their money so they don't hate you, they did intend to go, maybe just try and see it as a series of unfortunate events and try and be positive.

You shouldn't keep anymore than your share of the refund. So sorry about the let down. These aren't real friends. Why not treat yourself to a spa weekend. Go relax and be spoiled. Hapoy Birthday.

Happy not Hapoy Birthday.

W

OP I feel for you, especially as I don’t have friends. Acquaintances yes, friends, no. My DP is the same. As such we’re each other’s best friend. But he is a bit hopeless and my 40th was a total non-event. It truly was just another day of drudgery. In your position I’d start distancing myself from these flakes and yes, fuck them, I’d keep the money too. Fuck what your mother thinks and go and have an alternatively lovely time. Happy Birthday btw xx

I would see what family could come, I would take my mum and any in laws, sister, maybe have a girly night in and get a takeaway with them or just take the money and spend it or give it back to them and never arrange again. Not sure if I could keep the cash.

Hilarious.
Try reading the OP's subsequent posts.

Some of the advice in here is atrocious!
You can't throw a tantrum because people don't want to do something you want them to do.
Maybe just plan dinner somewhere next time?
If they always cancel on you then stop inviting them 🤷‍♀️
Stroppy behaviour like that suggested by @CorBlimeyGovenor is really not the way to win friends

@ilovetofu. Completely agree.

What sticks out is OP thinking it might be reasonable to keep the money. Essentially steal. The very fact that this even crosses her mind may well be a contributory factor to the flakey friendships she has in her life

Oh do RTFT!

God to all the flippin spa day suggestions 🤦🤦🤦🤦

It's hardly throwing a tantrum. The plans were set out. If it didn't suit people didn't have to say yes why should op completely change what she wanted to do?
Another example where the weirdest MN'ers try and make any wrong doing the entire fault of the victim

"The bit that I am most annoyed at for you is that your friends dont think there is a refund so they are not bothered you are out of pocket because of them?"

I'm not sure any individual will have joined the dots and realised the event isn't going ahead. They know they've dropped out, they will have registered a few others have too but I doubt anyone has realised everyone has cancelled. So I think op should tell them. And should only refund once her costs of accommodation have been covered in full, why should she be out of pocket?

Stop talking nonsense ilovetofu
You can't throw a tantrum because people don't want to do something
OP hasn’t thrown a tantrum about that. Her objection is that they said they DID want to do it, let her make the arrangements and then let her down at the last minute. Fairly simple to understand, I would have thought?

And why are people suggesting she arranges something with her mum when she has already said that she doesn’t really get on with her mum - you would think that people hadn’t bothered to read the thread....

Say to your friebds you are upset and hurt by them letting ypu down but maybe not in a group chat. Maybe on a 1:1 basis. I would probably secretly keep the money and go away. I wouldn't tell my mum. I'd let her babysit and do something else. That i wanted to do. However, being the introvert that I am, I like being alone , because I am never alone and frequently wish with a kid with adhd that has to keep either his mouth or his body moving and bursts in on me in the loo, I am secretly thinking I'm Greta Garbo on the inside:
"I vant to be alone"
I would gladly :
Shop by myself and get something nice
Go cinema
Eat a meal in peace or coffee
Go for a spa treatment
Hth. Hugs to you.

You*

Ps say to friends something like:
If you would rather not do something I'd really just rather you be honest in the 1st place and suggest something that fits around you & your schedule that we would all/both enjoy as it is upsetting & frustrating being let down at the last minute all the time. I realise everyone has kids and that's their priority. But I'm hurt that you say yes and drop out at the last minute and it makes me feel that you don't value me as a friend or my time when you do this. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

Some people have completely missed the point here.

I refuse to believe that someone wouldn't be upset in OP's situation. I call bullshit. She is not "throwing a tantrum" because people don't want to do what she wants to do, she feels let down because something that everyone agreed to and was booked and paid for her birthday is now not happening because all of her friends dropped out at the last minute for no good reason. Anyone who says they wouldn't be disappointed about this is lying.

If they didn't want to do this they should have said so. If they felt awkward saying they didn't want to then they very easily could have made up an excuse of a prior arrangement when it was time to book. It's really mean and selfish to let it get this far and then shit OP out at the last minute. On her birthday, no less!

You always get people on these threads who like to play the Cool Girl who wouldn't be bothered.

@Freefalling2
I would just like to wish you you a happy birthday! I've lurked for a long time and read your post. I'm not sure when your exact birthday is but please try to enjoy it. The thing is with people these days is that they're extremely self centred and it doesn't click that their selfish actions will actually impact on someone. Try not to take it personally, although it's very hard not to.
All the best for your 40 th birthday and I wish you all the best.
Just for the record, your birthday plans sounded ace. Xxx

Happy birthday OP 💐

Fuck those bitches.