Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

347 replies

Freefalling2 · 05/10/2019 01:12

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

OP posts:
Bluewavescrashing · 05/10/2019 04:58

I'm always amazed how many people drop out of things. It's so rude. Went for lunch with a friend last week for her birthday, she booked a table for 12 people. Only 5 of us turned up so we were sitting on this huge table. In the group chat it was all, oh I need to pop to town today, sorry I can't come, stupid excuses. If you don't want to go, politely refuse the invitation in the first place!

Cactusmum · 05/10/2019 05:06

I get how you feel. Ive always been the one that gets cancelled on for a better offer.. yet i know the same people will move heaven and earth to get to an event more popular people are holding. I think Im too forgiving and easy going..Ill say "oh its fine..no worries" far to easily so people think I can be walked all over and Im ok with it.

PickedByYou · 05/10/2019 05:11

That's really rude of your friends. Thank goodness they prepaid for the apartment.
If I was you I'd cancel the whole lot but I wouldn't dream of keeping their money. If would feel wrong. I know they have behaved badly but I think it would be dishonest if you to keep their money.

If it was me I'd speak to the one person who has t cancelled and see if she wants to go for a meal and if she does tell everyone else on the group chat that you are going for a meal with X and that they are welcome to join you.

I'm surprised so many people think you should lie about the money though.

Loveoddthings · 05/10/2019 05:46

The fact you are asking whether to keep money that is rightfully theirs tells me all I need to know is about you

LadyWithLapdog · 05/10/2019 06:01

Keep the money and go somewhere really upmarket for dinner with the one friend who can make it. You can give them back any leftover money. I wouldn’t feel dishonest or awkward spending the money for a change in plans necessitated by their flakiness.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 05/10/2019 06:08

Return the money because that would be stealing if you didn't. I think deep down you know this which is why you asked in here. I'm not judging you, it's awful behaviour on their part but stealing isn't the answer.

Once you return the money, block them or go very low contact with them & move on. Widen your horizons, join different day time clubs and meet new people. Concentrate on having a wider group of friends so you've got more people to choose from to do different things with.

MarshaBradyo · 05/10/2019 06:10

That sucks but the apartment is probably feeling like a bigger commitment than they originally thought. Flaky but people say yeh fun I’m in but realise it’s quite a lot for a birthday. Maybe a long lunch would have happened.

madcatladyforever · 05/10/2019 06:13

People are incredibly flaky I'm afraid and rarely want to do anything. This happens all the time. Keep the cash and go on a bender.
This has happened to me before and it's gutting.

DonnaDarko · 05/10/2019 06:15

I would keep the cash and consider it a birthday gift in lieu of a night out Wink

TheCatInAHat · 05/10/2019 06:16

Completely agree with alpaca. Keeping the money will only make you feel bad ultimately. Returning it and making a big song and dance of doing bank transfers to everyone should feel excruciating to those who have let you down.

Then leave the group chat and move on without them. Join a couple of weekly evening classes- whatever interests you or go to groups/classes with your DD, make more effort with work colleagues- explore all friendship avenues. It’ll be shit and feel hard at times to start again but worth it in a couple of years. Just be sure to have high expectations of how you want to be treated and treat all new friends in the same way.

I’m quite picky these days with who I spend my time with (two young DCs) and quickly bin anyone who seems flaky or not my cup of tea so the friends I do see are very much worth it. Took a couple of years to get there though.

Ponoka7 · 05/10/2019 06:17

Keep 100% of what you paid and distribute the rest out evenly. Just tell them you got refunded a %. Only because they've lost you your money.

Arrange something with the ones who stayed commited and salvage the night.

Lie to your Mother about why the full night isn't going ahead.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 06:29

To people saying return the money (and if I was a flakey friend then I wouldn't take it). The people who haven't dropped out (3 at the moment counting OP?) shouldn't have to pay for the flakey friends' flakeyness and there is only 50% to be refunded so if the apartment is cancelled (which I think should be OP's choice only) they'll each get £12.50 by my maths...

origamiwarrior · 05/10/2019 06:29

Agree with Ponoka7 above, but also include non-flaky friend(s) in the calculation, so they don't lose out.

Ticklemeelmo · 05/10/2019 06:35

Or a nice shooting spree for you. 😂

Excellent autocorrect, maybe a bit of an extreme solution though.

OP I think you should keep the money and spend it on a nice night away for you and your daughter, you don't have the keep the same hotel.

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 06:45

I can’t believe posters are suggesting a night away with a 3 year old and a mum that you have a poor relationship with is some kind of reasonable alternative. Confused Sone of the comments on this thread are just shitty and demonstrate a remarkable lack of empathy.

I’m sorry OP Your friends suck. At least you aren’t out of pocket and they did pay for the hotel. Keep the money, do something nice.

pigglypug · 05/10/2019 06:46

People suggesting taking the mother and daughter have completely missed the point of the thread!

OP, I'd also be tempted to take the money and treat yourself to a night away somewhere lovely with the one loyal friend. You don't need to tell your mum what happened.

FavouriteSong · 05/10/2019 06:46

Not everyone has dropped out though? You should still go. We had a reunion (old workmates) recently and of the 8 people invited, only 3 turned up. It was still a fun evening. People are flaky unfortunately, and it sounds as if you feel very hurt.

Take on board pp's suggestions for broadening your horizons and widening your social circle so you have a large group of friends to choose from, going forward.

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 06:47

Bel Mooney answers a letter about this very subject today.. it might help you OP.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7538779/amp/BEL-MOONEY-Im-hurt-friends-bailed-birthday.html

BeanBag7 · 05/10/2019 06:48

So take your mum and daughter. Room each. 6 breakfasts to eat
Why on earth would OP do that? She doesnt get on with her mum. Her daughter is 3 so probably goes to bed at 7.30pm. So sit in a hotel suite with a sleeping child and an adult you dislike for hours. Sounds great Hmm. I would rather have the £200 back and spend it on myself.

OP I'm so sorry your friends have let you down. I know how it feels and it's horrible, they dont deserve you as a friend. I would definitely want to say something but it's really hard, as you said, to make them feel guilty without looking pathetic or whiney. They should feel really guilty, but they wont because they're selfish bitches.

Charles11 · 05/10/2019 06:55

Sorry you’ve been let down like this but dont keep the money.
Give back what is rightfully everyone’s and go somewhere with your friend who is coming.

MsLumley · 05/10/2019 06:56

Your friends are shit for doing this, no question. It's totally understandable why you feel hurt OP.

Call them out on their behaviour. Send a message to the group telling them how hurt and disappointed you are that they think it's ok to offer some lame excuse and pull out at the last minute. It's your birthday FFS, not just some random night out. And a significant birthday too. Perhaps they don't realise how upset you are and this might give them a wake up call not to be so flakey and dismissive of other people's feelings in future.

Then move yourself away from that group - this is not how friends treat each other.

MsLumley · 05/10/2019 06:57

Oh and I agree, give them back the money. It's the right thing to do and you can't take the moral high ground if you're stealing from them.

Trialanderror46 · 05/10/2019 06:58

That's rotten, OP. I'm startled by some of the replies!
I'm so sorry your friends have let you down Flowers

500BusStops · 05/10/2019 07:08

Just commenting here to say I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Your friends are useless and I echo the other comments to try and meet new people who deserve to spend time with you.

If it’s any consolation I’ve long since given up on organising group outings for this exact reason. I went away for my 40th because I knew I’d end up feeling shit and friendless if I tried to organise anything. They seem to be able to find babysitters etc to see each other, but not me. I know this happens because I see all the FB photos of the nights out that I’m not invited to!

Northernparent68 · 05/10/2019 07:18

I’m sorry this has happened to you, next time organise something smaller.

Swipe left for the next trending thread