To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

[Freefalling2]

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

Poor form from your friends, but don't keep the money. It's stealing. You say you're close to 3 of them, keeping it would damage the friendship even more.

"If they've already paid the money to the hotel tell the lot of them it's unrefundable. Contact the hotel and tell them there's a change of rooms and use that £400 in the hotel yourself getting the best room and pamper packages for you and the one loyal friend"

Love that idea!

If you've still got 2 coming go and use the apartment - you'll each have a room to yourselves. I wonder whether having to share rooms was part of the problem? If you do cancel and get refunds make them come to you to get them. Don't waste your time making it easy for them when they were so flaky about your big birthday.

[Flowers] OP hope your birthday is much better than you think it will be

Mephisto exactly
Plus presumably op wanted a night out with friends not random people. I've been to some brilliant MN meet ups but they're not a substitute for seeing my actual friends

I’ve often wished there was an option where people who go out a lot would happily have an extra come along so you can avoid the situation. After going to everyone’s parties when it comes to mine people everyone is always exhausted. Which makes me feel like shit. People are so casual when they cancel too as though it’s completely fine.
Tell us where you are op. I’m pretty sure it’s no where me near me but I’ve not had cheap wine in ages.

She shouldn't refund if she actually stays!

Go with your friend. Don’t refund any money and enjoy the space.

Hi - I spent last night in a flat less than 10 mins from my house - with two of my three children - we're having a whale of a time, kids are excitable but relaxed, I can afford fancy pastries for breakfast and we grabbed a bargain deal pizza for tea fro them and I collected three board games from a second hand shop in the week for something to do. This morning we are going for a drizzly walk to our nearest shop - a petrol station - for a magazine each and a costa for me.
I know it's silly - I know we have a perfectly good three-bed semi with we could be in but we are calling it a mini-break, acting like we are on holiday and it is really lovely - you don't have to do what the rest of the world thinks is normal, chart your own path.

I know without them it's not hotel and drinking and cocktails, dancing the night away and getting pissed.
But.
If you don't give the money back then have an amazing day with your child! Breakfast, zoo, shopping and a lovely meal out! It will be so nice!

Why do people say yes when they’re obviously flakey and often bail out (you said two of these friends are serial offenders). So annoying! My mother does this... I organise all sorts of fun things which she says yes to, or even asks me to do, then nails on the morning!
Go with the ones who are still in, and have a brilliant time.
And sorry you’re feeling rubbish in the approach to a big birthday xx

Do what Nancy said and use their money. Your "friends " have behaved badly. I don't care what anyone says at their age if you don't want to attend a birthday celebration you say so upfront. If this was a party for 100 in a church hall it's s but different as a few people always drop out but the dynamic isn't affected.

This is different - they all know their dropping out would massively affect things.

I'd cancel it now, message them all and tell them they've let you down. Then go NC with the fuckers.

LOVE the shooting spree typo

I hope you find another lovely way to celebrate OP

@StealthPolarBear

Agreed, it might be a well intentioned gesture, but very unhelpful to OP.

YANBU.

Friends will come and go and people flake and people have genuine reasons for pulling out but it still hurts. Let yourself feel disappointed for a bit but then, please -

Sod it. Keep the money and spend it on doing something that you've always wanted to do. Solo is fine. Revel in it.

Awww Hather that sounds fab!

People are so flakey nowadays. I blame WhatsApp / Instant messenging as primary forms of contact. I'm sure if they had to pick up the phone and call you to cancel they'd be too gutless to do so.

It's just too easy for people to cancel via text now. Try not to take it too personally - I think people just cancel more these days. I'm not saying it makes it ok - it's shit

It's not personal I don't think, loads of people cancelled my 40th I was shocked!

But I would keep 100% of the money I paid and return the rest to them.
Just to keep the moral high ground

I'd keep the returned money

Book yourself a lovely groupon hotel/spa/meal deal, maybe even for you and the one friend who is still free

Don't tell your mum the plans have changed

Hope you enjoy your day. I cannot abide flaky selfish friends; funnily enough when I stopped organising for mine they all gradually dropped away.

It was poor form to renege, but tbh it wasn’t a very sensible idea when everyone has young kids.

If you’d just booked a meal out they probably would have shown up for that.

I used to be flakey (20 years ago). Then we got invited to Alton Towers, I said yes, it was a nice idea, probably wouldn't go but nice to be asked etc.

The next day she asked for £60 as she had bought myself and DP tickets. 😕 It is an 8 hour round trip.

Since then if I want to go I am a yes, if not I am a no.

Apart from the odd Body Shop party / Cancel Lit party where I have been known to last minute cancel. 😔

An overnight sounds great until reality kicks in, fifty quid that's fine then they realise actually is 50 for room, plus 20 for food, plus 50 on drink / taxis, plus gift, something to wear, hairdo, before you know its over £200. Then throw in the time factor, the nights not just a night. You're leaving mid afternoon not back until near enough lunch time the next day. That's a lot of time away especially if you are working full-time.

Yep.

If the last friend attends keeps the booking. However, if nobody goes, return the money. You’ve every right to be angry but it will get out that you kept the money and you don’t want to be labelled a thief.

Also I agree that there is no way you should take your child. That’s an unsuitable alternative to a big night out with friends.

Op has said no taxis.
Do people really get their hair done and buy a new outfit for a night out?

You're leaving mid afternoon not back until near enough lunch time the next day. That's a lot of time away

A lot of time away? It’s less than 24 hours!

Just go with the friend who hasnt dropped out ! Sometimes when one person cant go (maybe genuine reasons) .another will think they cant and so on . I agree its hurtful for you ,but sometimes people feel worried about leaving their DC when they are very small.Have a lovely Birthday anyway .Sometimes we stress about a "landmark " birthday but as our friend always says "Its just another day " which is true .There will be other days to remember that turn out to be special : A snowy day with your daughter ,Seeing a rainbow and so on .xx

Op has said no taxis. Do people really get their hair done and buy a new outfit for a night out?

Exactly. And even if people did do all these things, they should have thought about the expense before saying yes in the first place.