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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

347 replies

Freefalling2 · 05/10/2019 01:12

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

OP posts:
Ironmanrocks · 05/10/2019 07:22

Where are you? I will come too! I also feel your pain. [heart]

Ironmanrocks · 05/10/2019 07:22

oh no - no heart - why on earth not - MN - update your emojis please!!

AJPTaylor · 05/10/2019 07:26

The whole thing is shit. I am sorry these people havr let you down. I'd keep the cash fwiw.

Whatkatyforgottodo · 05/10/2019 07:27

Use the money to take the friend who didn’t drop out to a spa hotel for the night. Relax, enjoy some child free time and forget about the others!

Minioooons · 05/10/2019 07:28

op they are shit to have done this!! to be honest they've shown you yet again how much you mean to them. it was your 40th not just any birthday. I would let them know exactly how they made you feel and let this whole friendship group go. what's the point of friends like these if you can never rely on them or expect them to treat you as a friend.

YellWat · 05/10/2019 07:29

People suck, OP. A similar thing happened at my 40th, although it was a bigger party that turned into a very small one.
And at a Christmas party last year which went from a cocktail party of 40 to dinner with us plus two couples.
It's horrifically rude, and everyone does it because they are flaky, unreliable, selfish and uncaring. I remember my 30th, I hired a pamper person to come to my house and mini treatments were £10 each and only one friend booked in. So I said to my flaky friends, what do you want to do? And they said, no no it's YOUR birthday, what do YOU want to do??! Unbefrickinglievable.
Hang in there and have a really good evening with your one real friend. Xx

Figgygal · 05/10/2019 07:31

Sorry I'd feel like you too

I'm 15 months off of 40 and kero thinking I want a party but then same as you don't trust people to show up and it's mid January prime excuse for people

I'd not want to go with dd either it's completely not what you'd been looking forward to and not the point

EdtheBear · 05/10/2019 07:32

Am I reading right you have 2 friends who are still up for it?

Change the room to a smaller room and run with it.

I hate trying to organise get togethers. Too many people are flaky and then the wheels fall off it.

An overnight sounds great until reality kicks in, fifty quid that's fine then they realise actually is 50 for room, plus 20 for food, plus 50 on drink / taxis, plus gift, something to wear, hairdo, before you know its over £200. Then throw in the time factor, the nights not just a night. You're leaving mid afternoon not back until near enough lunch time the next day. That's a lot of time away especially if you are working full-time.

yearinyearout · 05/10/2019 07:38

So sorry, don't blame you for being pissed off. It's the sort of thing that happens to me too, and I get doubly annoyed because I wouldn't dream of letting other people down. I would just send a message to the group saying "thanks a lot. Have cancelled the apartment and will be having a birthday night in for one." Keep the money and spend it on a day out for you and your daughter.

EssentialHummus · 05/10/2019 07:40

Sorry OP. I’d refund them what you can and go out for drinks or supper with the remaining friend.

It may be that what you planned was just a bit too much for people - I can’t speak for anyone else but I’m at home with a 2 yo all day and dinner at Wetherspoons, drinking in town and a night at a cheapish hotel with 6 others really isn’t my idea of fun. They should have declined if they felt that way though.

schoolsoutforever · 05/10/2019 07:41

Just go with one friend and have fun!

ExplodingCarrots · 05/10/2019 07:43

Op I'm so sorry. You find that once one person drops out it gives it the green light for others to follow. You get the 'I'm not going forward she's not going' but they mask that with shitty excuses.

It happened to me on my 30th birthday. I never celebrate my birthday really, only with DH and DD , because it's quite close to Xmas and I never want to ask of people around that time. But, I thought fuck it I'm going to have a party for me and all my fiends as it's a special birthday. On the day of the party my phone just constantly buzzed all day with people dropping out with hilarious excuses. It was non stop all day. I was devastated and my poor DH looked heartbroken for me. We made the best of it with the people that we had and we had a nice time but it was really embarrassing. I found out after at least 4 friends lied to me and went out somewhere else with a better offer. It put a lot into perspective for me and I've realised who actually cares.

I hope you can arrange something else, maybe something with your friend who hasn't pulled out Thanks

ExplodingCarrots · 05/10/2019 07:44

That was meant to be 'I'm not going if she's not going' sorry

AlwaysCheddar · 05/10/2019 07:45

Go with the friend who hasn’t cancelled!! If you cavncel her she won’t be pleased, and she’s the one being a friend.

Alittleodd · 05/10/2019 07:46

I'm sorry this happened OP, I really feel for you. I had something similar for my last birthday. My two closest friends agreed to spend an afternoon in London, have an early lunch and go to a matinee (not an evening, so everyone could get home before kids bedtime, which was requested) and then one decided that as there was a local show with tractors that one of her sons would like she had to do that instead of my birthday theatre trip. It was incredibly painful, I'm still hurt by that.

I have two friends I've just given up on and no longer count because unless something was on their doorstep they cancelled at the last minute - annoying when you've wrangled childcare and made arrangements but they're just too hungover because they went out the night before with people they liked better. We're in our 30s FFS!

A friend of my DH organised a BBQ with a guest list of 40 people.... There were 7 of us there in the end. Yet on another night out for his birthday he filled an entire restaurant. Clearly people wanted to head out for a meal in town on a Friday night but didn't want to make the Saturday afternoon out past the M25....

I think cancel culture is largely to blame. Seems people often have a feeling of "oh I'm sure I won't be missed". It infuriates me, if I invite you to something it's because I want to see YOU not because I just fancied some company and anyone would do. I also have very few close friends (I doubt I could scare up 7 at once if I tried!) And it's all disparate little patches of one here, two there, another two there but they live at opposite ends of the country, another one overseas.... Hmmm I think that might be it actually. So I do get it.

Cantrememberpassword · 05/10/2019 07:46

Pull yourself together and stop being a wimp, you are about yourself, a stand alone person, do you really need support to enjoy yourself, stay at home, have a bottle of champagne, a box of luxury chocolates and your favourite takeaway. Sod everyone else, just enjoy yourself.

Just remember that you are the only person in life that you can rely on, be your own best friend.

Scrumptiousbears · 05/10/2019 07:47

I had friends like this. They always cancel. Even for stupid things things. I just didn't invite the on the end. Flaky fuckers.

The most recent was a school quiz night. A mum arranged a team and then cancelled. She lied about her mother in law being ill. I know that wasn't the case as I'd see her DH at school pick up.

If I say I'm coming to something I'll go. Even if I really don't want to go.

PianoTuner567 · 05/10/2019 07:52

I just don’t understand this behaviour. If someone asks me to something I want to go to, I see if I can arrange it (childcare, finances etc), than agree and it goes in the calendar. If I get offered anything else on that date, I turn it down. The only thing that would stop me going would be severe illness or emergency. I just can’t get my head round deciding the day before ‘oh, I’ll just not go to that’, it’s baffling to me.

emilybrontescorsett · 05/10/2019 07:56

This is awful behaviour from your friends op.
Definately keep the money.
If it was me id spend it on a theatre trip to see a show I wanted to see.
There is no excuse for this.
I have/had a friend who didn't come on either of my hen dos. I 'd gone on both of hers even though they weren't my cup of tea. She made excuse after excuse, even my dd1, who had arranged the first one is furious with her behaviour. I don't make any effort with her now and when I last saw her she commented on how many friends she appeared to be losing....hmm....I wonder why.
If people don't want to do something why don't they just say so from the beginning. A sorry that's not for me is fine. Leading g someone on luk e this is not.

Karwomannghia · 05/10/2019 07:57

I too have flaky friends and get so frustrated trying to organise things but also have a few friendS who steadfastly try and organise things and I see the same happening to them. People are flaky. But don’t ignore the good friend, message her separately and arrange something.

YellWat · 05/10/2019 08:03

46Cantrememberpassword-
"Pull yourself together and stop being a wimp, you are about yourself, a stand alone person, do you really need support to enjoy yourself"

The human experience is all about connection. It isn't kind or helpful to speak in this way. Anyone would feel upset in this situation.

StealthPolarBear · 05/10/2019 08:05

Sorry this has happened op. You still have two people going, right? Tell them the change of plan and have a night out just the three of you

hopeishere · 05/10/2019 08:06

That's is so so shitty. I'm 50 next year and have no intention of having a party for fear of something similar.

Give the money back and do something with the one friend who hasn't cancelled.

Alwaysgrey · 05/10/2019 08:06

It’s rubbish and hurtful. They could easily have said before everything was booked about just going for a meal. Can I come? 😀

MariusJosipovic · 05/10/2019 08:07

I can't stand this kind of flaky behaviour and it seems so prevalent. Is it an age thing? I don't remember this kind of flakiness in my younger days but perhaps people had fewer committments and more stamina for going out and doing stuff.

Happy birthday anyway OP!