To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

[Freefalling2]

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

Keep the money and spend the lot on yourself, something you wouldn't usually get for yourself.

I've had many a shit birthday OP but in part it is much to so with my low expectations and self worth. Celebrate yourself - I know it would be lovely for others to make you feel seen and appreciated but if you cant do it for yourself then others will follow your cues and think it doesn't matter that much to you.

Also have a think where the origins of this low self esteem/expectations come from (by the pricking of my thumbs I'm going to hazard a guess that your mum has something to do with it).

Happy Birthday .

I’m really sorry for the OP - as you arranged something generally both affordable and convenient, went to the trouble of booking it and accommodating everyone, and everyone has very casually backed out. I would be hurt too. I hope you find a way to celebrate x

Oh, OP. So sorry to hear your plans fell through. People are so shit sometimes. Make a list of things that make you happy and makes them happen. Focus on you and your beautiful daughter and don’t give this anymore energy.

You deserve better so time to raise the bar with the people in your life. When I hit 40 I started to realise I’ve been tolerating way too much nonsense from the people in my life and I’m determined to put an end to that now. I’m setting a better standard for myself and have already “lost” friends as a result but given their selfishness I don’t consider this a great loss.

Good friends don’t behave like this. Time for new ones.

It has nowt to do with organisation and everything to do with them being shit people

Spend this year meeting new people, so by next birthday you’ll have nicer people to spend time with x

Sod them. Keep their money and find you and your kiddie/kids a nice holiday for your birthday instead. Happy 40th for when the time comes, make sure you have a good one OP

This always happens to me

My friends haven’t noticed I’ve stopped bothering arranging stuff for my birthday

Keep the money, get a massive takeaway and have a day out with your dc.

This says more about them than you, OP. I wouldn't give them a penny.

Fuck them. Spend the money on a theme park or day out that your DD will love doing with you.

Unfortunately people can be wankers, we had 40 guests to our wedding not show up even though they RSVP that they would be attending, not one person gave a reason or an apology.

Sending and a hug, OP. Your sadness is almost palpable, but please don't take this as a reflection on you.

For my 40th I had a casual BBQ party at a local beach. Loads of people came. But there's absolutely no way I could find 7 friends to stay in a hotel with for a night out. I know lots of people and get on well with people on a night out but I just don't have those sorts of close relationships. So please don't think of yourself as substandard in any way, I've just never been the type to have a big group of close friends, never at school and not now. My close friends aren't necessarily close with each other if you see what I mean, a lot of them don't even know each other and it would be super weird if I cherry picked them out for a night out. I didn't have a hen do, I didn't have bridesmaids. That said, it is incredibly annoying when people are so flaky. Could you maybe upgrade your meal out from Wetherspoons to somewhere you might not ordinarily go and make it real treat with the non flaky friends?

My hen was like this. People just kept dropping out one by one even up to the actual day I was still getting messages cancelling. I felt like utter shite and so unliked. Its an awful feeling and I feel sorry for you op.

Text them all or what's app the group and tell them that, "oh you sneaky lot. You're all planning a bigger surprise aren't you! Because it's too much of a coincidence for you to ALL cancel.

I wouldn't keep the money. I would hand it back in an envelope just so that they hopefully feel even shitter about it. And then tell them that you'll book into a travel lodge by yourself, blow up a packet of balloons, get drunk alone and cry yourself to sleep! I would call them out on it. If any of them are worth their salt, they will rearrange a spa date for the day and treat you!

Sorry OP

People are flaky. I have given up arranging parties now. I find that I need to invite about 4 x the amount of guests to fill the room as most will bail out at the last minute.

I think you should pay back some of the monies to those who let you down. Get the refund for the apartment and just have a nice night out with the friend who didn't cancel.

Have a lovely birthday

That’s why I never arrange anything! Go and stay in the apartment yourself just have a night off. Then go out and treat yourself

I haven't read the entire thread and it might have been mentioned by someone already but I think texting and letting people down without having to 'speak' to someone is a lot to do with this. If people said they were going to come to an event when I was younger, most came to things if they said they would, and those that didn't up tended not to be invited to things again.

So sorry OP, I hope you are feeling better now. Did you think of alternative plans?

Just typical for a group to do that that's why I hate organising anything, you should just go out with the girl that's still in and have a ball, glad you told them how you felt your not pathetic at all unfortunately most folk do t think of how it would make others feel or if someone did that to them. Spend the money on you and have a spa day if the other girl doesn't go xx

I understand why you are upset. 💐
Don’t feel that it’s only you though . Some of my friends are genuinely quite hard up so my last birthday I paid for most of it which some would say is daft but I really wanted to go out and couldn’t on my previous birthday as my DH was seriously ill .
Do some something with the one person who has dropped out and enjoy yourselves massively! Give the others the 50 percent back of what they have paid and move on.

OP so sorry. What a bunch of cows.

Worth speaking to the hotel. They might be able to do something for you - a smaller room for you and a friend. Spa tokens?

@Kittykat93 the same happened to me. I ended up crying in the street when the final person approached me to cancel. Her excuse 'I didn't know you were really expecting me
to come' .

I also felt unliked and as though I had found out what my so called 'friends' really thought of me.

Sorry but I find last minute cancellers sickening. If someone has put themselves out there and invited you and you have accepted you go - short of serious genuine illness. If you do cancel at last minute don’t expect others to make an effort for your own events

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you. I dont bother organising anything as I am never convinced people really want to come.

The bit that I am most annoyed at for you is that your friends dont think there is a refund so they are not bothered you are out of pocket because of them?

I really hope they turn up on your doorstep with a gift and apology to make up for the fact that you have not only missed your night out but also technically in their eyes now out of pocket.

@hazell42 have you posted on the wrong thread? OP organised dinner, drinks then dancing then staying overnight in a hotel. Not sure how this has translated in your head into sitting around for 3 days wondering what to do next?

The posters who are saying it wasn’t a good idea to stop overnight, it’s too expensive etc. are totally missing the point. If they don’t want to do it they refuse AT THE TIME OF ASKING - not go along with it then pull out at the last minute for spurious reasons.
I think this sort of thing has become much worse since the advent of texting and WhatsApp. I have never experienced this in my friendship group - once someone has organised something and people have committed, then barring a genuine emergency everyone turns up.

Exactly Fezziwig. I actually have to admit that sharing rooms with people, unless they were my BEST, best friends would put me off this. That's a 'me problem' though and these invitees didn't raise it as an issue at the time. If it wasn't their thing, fair enough, but they should never have agreed in the first place.

For one person to feel pressured and agree to going to something, then pull out is one thing, but pretty much all of them doing it is really, really bad form.

Maybe if the op had just said dinner, this wouldn't have happened, but tbh, I think it's better she knows what these friends are like now.

I think you’re totally right to be pissed off. Totally within your right to keep the money and treat yourself! Can’t replace company but please book yourself a nice spa day or something with it. I totally feel your pain. I have very few female friends and it soul destroying when the few I have let me down (ie - my hen night).

OK, a couple of similar scenarios have happened to me. In fact, I emailed a group of friends to do a spa day and no-one replied! Then there was the time I won two tickets to an amazing event - again, not one reply when I offered free ticket to anyobe who wanted it... Bunch of wankers, the lot of them!

It doesn't sound like you live near me - South coast-ish - but if you did, I would be v happy to get glammed up and join you somewhere and make sure you had some fab photos to share on IG etc. Cone back OP, @Freefalling2 , and I am sure the troops can be rounded up to help. Please don't withdraw from society. - some birthday cheer for you.