To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

[Freefalling2]

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

My hen do was like this.Only 2 out of the 6 people I'd invited could come,I really appreciated the effort but was so disappointed.

Keep the refund and spend it on you and your DD. Fuck them.

I'll tell them I'm keeping the money I've already paid so I'm not out of pocket because of them

I really wouldn’t do that unless you want them to think you are petty and mean. If you are thinking of hiding it from them then that suggests you know it’s not ok.
I also think it would be crazy to send yourself flowers and pretend they are from your friends. That’s just silly.

You also can’t charge them for the two bottles of wine. You can drink it another time or give it as a gift.

Tell your friends you are really disappointed and tell them you are out of pocket but don’t secretly keep their money.

You’ve wasted £25 with your lost deposit but you are thinking of taking the other £175. That’s £150 profit. 👀👀 It sounds like you’ve already done the maths and have totted up £150 in your ‘costs’

Are you thinking of keeping everyone’s deposit even the ones with excuses that you think are genuine?

Hope none of your pals are on Mumsnet.

Dont cancel your mum.Stay in the apartment,get wankered on Champagne/Wine/Lambrini and wallow if you need to but have the break from the norm just for one night 💐

Omg freefalling you should absolutely not feel humiliated by this. Your friends have behaved awfully. I would def not engage for a bit - leave the group chat and be honest with them if they ask why.

I’m also sorry that you don’t have the comfort of a mother who could make you feel special. I hope you have a happy birthday and find a way to treat yourself!

I hear you OP. I recently organised an event. I do the same thing every year. It's not something for me, personally, but I do it because I am able to.
Every year I put feelers out on social media, leaflet drop and make sure that around 100 people know about it.
Every single damn year about 8 people bother to RSVP. The rest randomly say "I might come" (as you say, code for 'unless I get a better offer'), or say they'll come and don't. Or just don't have the common courtesy to reply.
I put a lot of work in for free and it's really really galling that people are so flaky.

I really feel for you op. A similar thing happened to me many years ago and I've never organised anything since for fear of it happening again. it's very rude to cancel so close to the event, especially as it is a significant birthday and you've been thoughtful about costs.

But please don't feel humiliated. It's not you, it's them. I'd be pulling back from those friendships now, and they'll know why. If they've any decency at all, they'll feel extremely guilty about it.

@PickedByYou I think what the OP said was that the event HAS cost her money and she's bought things she wouldn't have done and has no use for. I don't think it's not unreasonable to recoup that.

She said she was going to refund everything else.

Did she say she was keeping it secret? I read it that she was going to tell them she was doing that. I might have missed it though. She shouldn't keep it secret.

Refund yourself and the friend going into hospital in full the rest can be shared out but only if the come and get it in person.

You can always post on your birthday and say that spending your big birthday on your own has made you reflect on what you want for the next decade. As a result you are only making space for genuine friends. Then drop out without saying any more.

I am really sorry. This kind of thing happened to me before too. I would say keep the money and buy a treat for yourself.

@stayathomer but they've already cancelled on her in an inexcusable way. If they had good reasons then that's one thing but none did. Personally I wouldn't go back and look like I'm begging. If they wanted to organise something instead, fine but I wouldn't be. Apart from the dignity issue I would be worried about them doing it again right until they turned up.

I'm going to sound really rude but unless there is a health reason that your friends are aware of, being a bit achey isn't reason to drop out of events close to the day (on the day I'm guessing). It sounds like that is a regular excuse. Similarly there are only so many times you can say someone is ill or the car has broken down without coming accross as lying. If you were my friend and said you'd go to something but always came up with a silly reason not to then I would stop inviting you. Frankly, it wouldn't be worth the effort of trying to work out if you would turn up.

We are grown women. We know stuff happens and we have to drop out of things sometimes but if you've no intention if going just say so at the start. You think the other person will understand or it doesn't matter but you've no idea if that's the case as so many people on this post have proved.

You sound quite aggressive and self pitying. Maybe there's a reason you don't have friends

I wonder how people just wilfully twist the original post to their own agenda. The OP actually sounds like someone who has never asked her friends to make an effort for her birthday before but who has more than likely joined in celebrations for them. She asked them one time to do something for her and most of them agreed then came up with crappy excuses.

I wouldn’t keep the money, but I would let them ask you for the partial refund. I would post on the group chat that it’s off and there is a partial refund if they would like to contact you then leave the group.

OMG who said that!!!!

Some people on here are fucking unbelievable.

@Freefalling2 there is a very similar situation to yours in today's Daily Fail p44 (sorry it's the DF but it has some very wise words published that are worth you reading - it may be on the online version).

It talks about the modern phenomenon of FOCA (Fear of Committing to Arrangements) and the shallowness of so called friends who fail to realise just how badly it affects a friend to be let down badly - just like your friends did. To them it's 'agh I cba to go out tonight' without any self-reflection on their thoughtlessness and how it comes across to you. So selfish.

It isn't helped by the ease with which people can casually send a text and, in 30 seconds and zero effort, cancel out on a commitment that has taken you time, thought and emotional investment to arrange.

I'd sooner 'die in a ditch' as Boris would say, than keep their money. I'd sooner give it to charity rather than spend it myself.

I think most of us can identify with (starting that sentence on MN now makes me snort ) that feeling on the day of a planned night out of -

• the stress of making sure totally capable but there you go family members are all fed, watered and won't die in the 4 hours you're gone,
• the ballache of making an effort getting ready,
• realising it's pissing it down so you'll need a jacket and brolly,
• being in pubs. bars etc when all you want is to be in pyjamas later with wine and Netflix!

Then 9/10 when we're actually in situ we end up having an absolute blast and decide loudly and drunkenly to our friends "we should do this EVERY weekend!".

Not being In The Mood is a truly shit reason for blowing off your mate and her big birthday night.

Or maybe it's just me? I don't get out often so I'm generally chomping at the bit when the chance arises

Here's the link again to the Bel Mooney advice column

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7538779/amp/BEL-MOONEY-Im-hurt-friends-bailed-birthday.html

watchthecup I know it does sound that way but I've two hours to travel to see them (by car or a train and bus), I've 4 kids and have arthritis so it's literally I can't face the journey or one of those things has happened, but yes, they're amazing to put up with me and I do try to make it up to them and travel to see them individually (they work I don't)

I'm sticking to my previous advice with two additions. Firstly, you don't need to feel humilihumiliated but I understand why you do as I felt the same. Secondly, ignore anyone trying to defend your 'friends. ' There is no defense for bad manners, rudeness and thoughtlessness. Ever.

OP, you have some pretty shitty friends!

What a horrible way to be treated by so-called "friends". Honestly, people can be so selfish, rude and uncaring these days. If people say they're going to go to someone's celebration, they should bloody well go! A commitment is a commitment and shouldn't be reneged on without very good reason.

It's fair enough to keep the cost of your own room but you can't keep the extra for wine, flowers and trousers. I couldn't fill an apartment with friends for a night and wouldn't try. I've made my peace with it. Your relationship with your mum sounds fucked up though. Why are you still on contact?

You can, and I would, keep the extra. Fuck them! They aren't friends! as far as they were aware it was non refundable so it's not as if they pulled out thinking they were getting money back. They decided they didn't care enough and pulled out anyway. Keep it all!

That’s shitty, but you say 3 are close friends. If they are that close can you somehow persuade them still to come?
Also how long have you known them, etc?
I do find that people who pull out last minute are the ones who aren’t your oldest friends, but newer ones who you haven’t got that history with.
Not sure what the solution is, but to cancel & keep the £££.
Sadly people will always hedge their bets, make excuses once dates come around.

I’m so sorry op, people really are fucking shite sometimes. I wouldn’t refund them a penny.

Thanks @AhNowTed that's the article (I like Bel Mooney she is very compassionate).

Interesting that the person is a man, so it isn't just women who have to go through this painful process with friendships. Quite frankly I blew out most so called friendships years ago. It was engrained in me from childhood, never ever fail on a commitment you've made, and even worse accept a "better offer". Its a deal breaker for me, hence being Billy no-mate's a lot of the time.

Sadly people will always hedge their bets, make excuses once dates come around.

Aren't they the lucky ones, having so many options to choose from!