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Original poster

To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

347 replies

Freefalling2 · 05/10/2019 01:12

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 11:05

Please don't feel humiliated. You have done nothing wrong at all. ThanksThanksThanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2019 11:08

Freefalling = there is no need for you to feel humiliated, this is down to your "friends" being arseholes, not you. You tried to do a nice thing, they let you down - that's on THEM.

Sounds like your mother is a birrovabitch as well, who would delight in telling you it was your fault - ignore anything she says because she's wrong.

I agree with your course of actions re. the money - good plan. No reason at all why you should be out of pocket as well as having your birthday plans ruined! And, as I said before, if they've got any kind of conscience they should tell you to "just keep it" when you try to give it back to your "friends".

Big ((((Hugs)))) - it sucks, I know it does. Thanks

ThisIsTheThirdTime · 05/10/2019 11:09

can't believe some pp suggesting a nice book and a takeaway or night in with a 3 year old as a substitute for night away with 7 friends.

Nobody is pretending it's a decent substitute, people are simply trying to cheer up the OP and help her salvage her night from her shit friends.

OP DON'T feel humiliated. So so many people have had this. It is awful and usually results in rethinking your friendships and priorities. Seriously, you are not alone!

Marmozet · 05/10/2019 11:20

Keep the refund.

Ginqueen20 · 05/10/2019 11:22

I feel the same as you it’s my birthday tomorrow and I essentially BEGGED everyone I know to come out with me tonight but as usual I was met with excuses so I will be spending the day alone (as my children are with their dad this weekend) it’s depressing and I know how hard it is, just remember they aren’t real friends to drop you like this! id suggest making new friends and never invite these ones anywhere again Flowers have a lovely birthday Wine

ChipsAreLife · 05/10/2019 11:23

Keep the refund and a get a decent bottle of wine and takeaway. I'm so sorry that you've been let down but this is more a reflection of them than you.

hopeishere · 05/10/2019 11:26

I am so sad on your behalf. I keep people at arms length for reasons like this. WineCakeThanks

Ronnie27 · 05/10/2019 11:27

I’ll come out with you all. People are rubbish sometimes aren’t they. Wine Cake

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/10/2019 11:31

Could be worse OP you could be spending your birthday with midsomer Grin

Zucker · 05/10/2019 11:36

They aren't your friends. For a start leave that group chat. Who gives a shit if it makes them feel bad. Keep the refund. Stay posting here, it'll give you an outlet for your feelings and you won't get arrested for throwing a car iron through one of their front window Thanks

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/10/2019 11:36

Just read your update OP. It's shit but I think you knew it would happen.

Once a friend has double booked me more than once or rather had a better offer after committing to plans they definitely fall down my pecking order. Or at least I certainly invest less in that friendship, if at all. Having said that I can count my friends on one hand so maybe my advice isn't so good Grin

Your plan sounds good in terms of not putting you out of pocket.

cleanasawhistle · 05/10/2019 11:37

I hope you are ok @Freefalling2

Its awful when you feel like no one gives a shit.
I recently had a birthday and half my family couldnt even be bothered to send cards or even a message.But every year I send cards to them who never bother....

Flowers and a hug from me

Gogreen · 05/10/2019 11:37

I get this, totally, I haven’t celebrated a birthday since I was probably around 8, and never intend to either.

I would decide if I’m going to spend the night by myself in the hotel and completely chill (maybe try to pull a bloke) or cancel it and go shopping with the money instead...I would be doing one of those absolutely.

northernknickers · 05/10/2019 11:38

Are you anywhere near Lincoln@Freefalling2 I'll go out with you for your birthday if you are! I know how horrid it is when 'friends' let you down like this! 💐

northernknickers · 05/10/2019 11:39

Name tag fail! @Freefalling2

Runningmyultra · 05/10/2019 11:39

I agree with pp who said don't ditch them all because of this if they've been good friends in other situations. They shouldn't have agreed to go along in the first place but it makes them flakey not malicious

OP I really feel for you 😔💔

Girasole02 · 05/10/2019 11:41

I have this particular tshirt and it sucks. Ditch the friends via the group and make it very clear that you all want different things from the so called friendship so you are calling time. Put the onus on them to collect the refund and see if they bother. As for your day, still go and have some me time. Check out decent places to eat, theatre, cinema, take a good book. Nobody bats an eyelid at people on their own. It's my guilty pleasure. Spending quality time by yourself is far better than being with people who don't care. None of this is anything to do with you being worthless and everything about them being dickheads. Do it and I promise, you'll never look back.

wichitalinemanswoman · 05/10/2019 11:44

They are not friends. They have let you down last minute with crappy excuses. Get the refund and spend it on yourself.

BigRedBoat · 05/10/2019 11:47

These people aren't friends, 'mates' at best. Ditch the lot of them and try and come up with a plan to make some new friends. I know it's really difficult to make friends as an adult though, could you look at joining a class or activity? Or through a parenting app like mush? I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish birthday Thanks

EggysMom · 05/10/2019 11:47

I think I'd take the money and book just myself into a luxury spa hotel ... but it's not really the birthday celebration you planned. I feel for you, I've been in the same boat where only 4 close friends turned up to a party when I'd invited (and catered for) over 30. Turns out they weren't really friends after all. I gave up any semblance of parties after that. Even my "work" hen-do which was meant to be a dozen people, ended up with just 3 fellas and me getting drunk.

If you haven't cancelled yet and it's in Manchester, I'm up for a party Wine Cake Glitterball

Henchmen33 · 05/10/2019 11:48

That is horrible op. You deserve better

Anotheruser02 · 05/10/2019 11:49

Could be worse OP you could be spending your birthday with midsomer Grin

Crying with laughter at this.

OP you realy should not feel humiliated. This is what would happen to me if I tried to celebrate me, that's why I don't either. Our birthdays are not a barometer for how our lives are going, they really are isolated events and can fall flat due to circumstances that have nothing to do with us. I'm not just trying to cheer you up but nearly everyone I've spoken to lately is recovering financially from summer holidays and well aware the Christmas is around the corner.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2019 11:54

I was so disillusioned with the whole party-like-this situation, that I didn't even bother to arrange a hen-do. I didn't see any point, if it was going to go the way that most of my parties did!

As it turned out, I had a nice hen night the night before my wedding, as one friend had come down to stay at mine the night before, and 3 others turned up with champagne and nibbles. If I'd organised something, it would have been for more than 4 people but at least I knew, after that, I had 4 people I could count on.

katewhinesalot · 05/10/2019 12:02

I'd say I was going on my own anyway and keep the refund. Or go on my own and have a lazy childfree night.

Bugger them.

stayathomer · 05/10/2019 12:06

I'm so so sorry OP but can I just stand up for ditchers everywhere and say when people bail it's not always flakiness or not caring? I am the person in our group who never makes anything. The kids get sick, the car breaks down or whoever is minding the kids get sick and generally do will be working at the time. It always sounds so fake but it's true! I've also been so tired and achy I couldn't face a night out/away. I really don't take it lightly deciding not to go but sometimes I can't. People aren't all terrible. I'd message them asking do they think they'd make it another time and if not do something nice myself (but not with their money, it is theirs)