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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

347 replies

Freefalling2 · 05/10/2019 01:12

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 05/10/2019 15:32

Don't give any money back. If you give a little back they will know it was refundable and want it all.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 05/10/2019 15:37

I would be quite the hermit if it wasn't for work and DH. It is quite revealing who stays in contact when you aren't really on Facebook and when you no longer initiate contact.

Be your own best friend. That reminds me, is there a MN Facebook for people who want to make friends? I ought to check it out. Maybe OP could too.

verytiredandstressed · 05/10/2019 15:46

An overnight sounds great until reality kicks in, fifty quid that's fine then they realise actually is 50 for room, plus 20 for food, plus 50 on drink / taxis, plus gift, something to wear, hairdo, before you know its over £200. Then throw in the time factor, the nights not just a night. You're leaving mid afternoon not back until near enough lunch time the next day. That's a lot of time away especially if you are working full-time
Maybe so but if you AGREED to go you go you don't make all the right noises etc then pull out with shit excuses for your friend.
Im so sorry op but people are more and more flaky and they justify with the above reasons . What if it was their big birthday how would they feel ?
I think it sounded like a great night . Getting a few bottles of wine then off to the local spoons , no taxis so no need to worry about getting home .
I really think you need to post on the group chat and say how disappointed you are that you have all dropped out and you feel like shit and you would never do that to a friend.
If they take offence they are not real friends and it will make you feel better .
Get the money back and book yourself a spa day somewhere nice .

Asthenia · 05/10/2019 15:53

OP I really feel for you, what shitty behaviour from your friends. I’ve a million per cent been that person thinking “oh god I really cba for tonight” but I ALWAYS go because I hate letting people down and as a PP said, always end up having a brilliant time. People are thoughtless and selfish. I’m lucky with my friends but only one of them has children - I do wonder if things will change if/when we all have kids?
My aunt and uncle recently threw a party for my cousin’s 21st - 100 were invited but only 50 turned up (it was a bloody brilliant party anyway) but the number of people who texted on the morning of the party with some shitty excuse was ridiculous. Quite a few didn’t bother texting at all. So fucking rude.

JustDanceAddict · 05/10/2019 15:56

Good point also re social media making it easy for people to pull out. Just sending a message is so much easier than calling. Im sure in the pre-mobile days (pre-late 20s for me) there was a lot less blowing out.
I v rarely cancel - there would have to be proper illness or crisis for it to happen and I don’t hedge bets. It’s annoying when things clash but if you’ve said yes to one you can’t then accept the other (if you’ve accepted neither then you can choose the best one for you). I’ve also brought up my children like this too.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 05/10/2019 15:57

Very doesn't it? It's the perfect mix of night out with overnight stay and familiar surroundings/no time wasted travelling.

PicsInRed · 05/10/2019 16:20

Take the refund and book yourself into a Hilton or similar for the night - with dinner and cooked breakfast included. At least make a break and a rest of it. Keep your Mum as babysitter, tell her nothing. Where are the pics? Got drunk, photographer friend lost her phone. Flowers

MsTSwift · 05/10/2019 16:24

Lovely single friend got good karma from doing the right thing - invited to old school friends wedding miles away then her very close local friend picked same date. She honoured the first commitment although really wanted to go to the local wedding and met her lovely dh at the school friends wedding Grin

MissEliza · 05/10/2019 17:39

Op I'm sorry. People are so selfish these days. You're definitely right to keep the money.

savingshoes · 05/10/2019 17:51

I've been here, few years back and it absolutely sucks.
I really feel for you and no one deserves so many flakey friends.
YANBU to take the money - I'd send them a message with a photo of you with all the money that you got reimbursed and drinking wine... "thanks for the 40th bday gift, you shouldn't have... no really you shouldn't."

Runningmyultra · 05/10/2019 19:01

I went to a party 35 years ago where no-one turned up, it was heartbreaking for the host, a big hall, loads of food but pretty much empty. Still remember the feeling.

OP please don't think it's you xxx

Dieu · 05/10/2019 19:12

Take the money and run! Use it to treat yourself. I'm so sorry OP, what a shit situation. Thanks

hazell42 · 05/10/2019 19:47

It's about organisation, I think.
You plans sounded a bit vague and nothingy.
I have a friend who plans down to the last detail. It brilliant. I roll up and there is a whole load of activities.
3 days of sitting around going, what do you want to do, I dont mind, me neither, is my kind of hell and I'm not surprised they backed out.
They obviously like you. They booked and paid for the trip. I think it was the lack.of planning that let you down.
Next time say, I'm planning this trip on this date to this place with dinner after here. Who's in? They'll all come and you'll have a great time
And yes, spend the money

anothernamejeeves · 05/10/2019 19:48

Absolute cows

I know you feel humiliated now but you have no reason to at all. Hopefully you will decide to come back and see how many of us are behind you. And if the night was in the West Midlands I will gladly come along

itsnotcycling · 05/10/2019 20:02

What shitty friends!
OP if you don't mind PMing me your address I would like to send you a birthday card 💐

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 05/10/2019 20:29

Keep the money

FeckOffGraham · 05/10/2019 20:35

They don't sound like very good friends op. Sorry your birthday plan has gone to pieces Sad.

I'd move on, (apart from the one who had a genuine excuse), and keep my distance. But, don't keep the money or you'll lose the moral high ground. Even if they never find out, you'll still know and it won't feel good! Imo anyway.

CAG12 · 05/10/2019 20:49

I actually cant believe people Re sughesting she keep the money. Thats so dishonest, and also theft. Give the money back. If was one of your 'friends' and found out you'd stole from me, i'd defo not be friends with you afterwards.

Do you not think its perhaps a bit much? Ive foubd that although peopke make a lot of noises about loving going out drinking, very few people actually do. A dinner would have probably been fine though.

itsmecathycomehome · 05/10/2019 21:42

"You plans sounded a bit vague and nothingy.
I have a friend who plans down to the last detail."

What a shit thing to say. So it's OP's fault they bailed, because her plans were boring?

OP already said the plan was to get ready together in the hotel, then go out for a meal and cocktails, then all back to the hotel. What's wrong with that? If that's vague and nothingy, then they shouldn't have agreed in the first place. Or, since it's her birthday, they could always organise something better. If they need more detail than that, they must be a right bunch of lazy unimaginative bastards.

anothernamejeeves · 05/10/2019 21:52

@CAG12 they don't appear to be friends with her now treating her like that. Most activities when you cancel last minute you don't get refunded should make them think twice about flaking out and how they treat others next time

CodenameVillanelle · 05/10/2019 21:52

I think because social media makes it so easy to see what's going on in people's lives we are less likely to go out and do actual things with friends.
That doesn't make it ok, it's rubbish actually, but it's not personal to you.
I don't blame you for being sad and upset. It's a massive kick in the teeth. I think your rescue plan is the best thing you can do. I just hope the cowbags get you a good present!

Frolie · 05/10/2019 22:04

I’m so sorry. What rubbish friends. You have every right to be upset and angry. How thoughtless of your so called friends. Treat yourself with the refund. I’d be be really upset too. Please don’t think it’s you, people are so self absorbed and selfish these days x

gingerbiscuits · 05/10/2019 23:03

Aw, that's shite - your so-called friends are arseholes! Keep the cash & do something nice with your little girl or treat yourself in some way. Good for you, telling them they've upset you - they deserve to feel guilty! X

Runningsmooth · 05/10/2019 23:10

You can still use the booking but you can't cancel it and keep the money. You can't steal their money because they have annoyed you. I would use the booking. Keep your mum babysitting and go by yourself. Have a nice meal, some drinks, a big sleep with no DC to run after.

Doesitevenmatternow · 05/10/2019 23:40

Oh op I am so sorry. I have had the all-round cancellations too in some form or another and it really annoys me.

I would be honest.

"Ladies I was really looking forward to my birthday night and feel very hurt and let down."

I did this myself one year after nobody could be bothered coming out for my birthday, rubbish cancellation reasons and vague suggestions to try get out again. I decided to put some distance and spend my free time exploring new hobbies. This opened up a whole new world and now I feel I'm the one considering my options.

I would cancel the hotel and give back the money. Go out for dinner with your remaining guest.

Big hugs. The year I had the birthday I described above turned out to be the best year of my life.