To just not bother organising anything because no one turns up?

[Freefalling2]

I've not had any sort of party or event for me since I was about 7. I didn't have a hen do, I've never had a work leaving party and I've never even just done drinks for my birthday.. I'm 40 in 2 weeks and was meant to celebrate with 7 friends. The celebration was just hiring a (cheap) apartment for the night in town and going for food and cocktails and dancing. We've all got children so although we're staying local the apartment thing was also a break away from them and an opportunity to all get ready together and have some wine and some music . Just relaxed and fun. No big plans. . I was really, really excited that I had finally, at the age of 40 have friends to do this with.

Only I don't.

2 people pulled out last week. I was expecting that because that's what they do. Another person has decided they are not sure of they can leave their 2 year old afterall. They've done it before but I suggested just coming for the meal and not staying in the apartment. They said they didn't want to leave him. They can't even be bothered to think of a proper excuse. Soneone else apparently double booked - also known as getting a better offer - so they can't come now. Another person is making noises that we should just reorganize it completely because it won't be the same if we're not all there and they can't afford to do it twice. It's MY fucking birthday. But they'll be cancelling. The 6th person has always been a bit on the fence about doing it at all so she'll pull out now. That leaves 1 person so hasn't pulled out. Yet.

I'm upset and pissed off. Everyone seemed really up for it but they have all let me down. It's embarrassing for messages to keep coming up on the group chat starting with "I'm so so sorry but..." and makes me feel worthless. Especially as it's so close to the date and they can see everyone else dropping out.

No I don't have anyone else I can ask.

Everyone has paid their share of the apartment which I guess is one good thing. I'll cancel it tomorrow and I can get 50% of the money back. They've all assuumed it's non-refunable. Would it be really bad for me to keep that, not tell them and spend it completely on me? They are crappy friends and have let me down and made me cry. Should I use their money to make me feel better?

It isn't theft since I wouldn't expect a refund if I cancelled at the last minute. They made it a cancel-themed party - they pay. At least you have got rid of some flakes from your life and have some extra cash. Win-Win i'd say.
I had something similar happen not that long ago. Most of us had made it to my birthday thing apart from one. We ring for his ETA - turns out there is no ETA -he isn't coming because his GF is having a pity party. Lost about £100 since it was a cancel on the day.

If the op cancels and pays them back (which I agree she should if she cancels) she will be out of pocket through no fault of her own :(

I wouldn't pay them back, fuck em

It's fair enough to keep the cost of your own room but you can't keep the extra for wine, flowers and trousers.

Yes she can.

Your plans sounded a bit vague and nothingy.. I have a friend who plans down to the last detail

Nothing at all wrong with the plans OP had.

A 'planning to the last detail friend' sounds like an absolute PITA.

Do t give hope! Maybe try and re-arrange and get a suitable date for all?

I think thays not a good idea. I suspect the issue is that they don't want to commit

Ok she could keep the money but would have to accept that what she's doing is little better than flaking on a night out.

And I only mean anything after the full cost of her own hotel room.

Very mean behaviour by your so called friends. They knew it was a big birthday for you and shouldn't have let you down unless it was a real emergency or illness.

Oh OP that is truly crap and so incredibly shitty of your so called friends

Keep the money - I would

I feel for you i really do but i think when people have got children then it inevitable. This wouldn’t happen in my group of friends, but then again none of them have children!

@Doesitevenmatternow

Did these people have young children though?

When it was my 30th quite a few people dropped out and some of them was because they were hungover but i literally didn’t care! Been there myself.

Now i am in my 30s i really couldn’t care less. I can entertain myself now and I actually like spending time on my own.

Glad you had a good year and embraced some new hobbies 😊

I have a similar issue: I always organise everything at everyone else's request, then they all say they can't go and then complain we haven't seen each other in ages.

I've now got other friends I made through work who are much more reliable and I had a rare great night out last night.

I feel for you. It's time you made your feelings known and start making other friends.

Leave your child at your mums, keep the money and have a spa break on your own.

F**k "em.

They've let you down badly and it's no wonder you're upset. IIWY I'd get a refund and say nowt. Don't make arrangements in future as it's a waste of time and effort.

If you want to be petty you could behave the same way for them but be the better person. Perhaps enjoy birthdays in a more casual 'come as you are' way, then it doesn't matter if it's quieter. Many happy returns by the way, sorry it's not worked out.

I will come ,I need a night out ,where are you op?

OP - that's utterly shit

Tell everyone that you are upset and canceling the apartment.

They have all treated you like shit.
Time to find mature girlfriends

OP. This is the sort of thing that always happens to me too, and do please let us know whereabouts you are, if you're in Scotland then I'd be happy to go out for drinks to celebrate with you.

I’m so sorry!! I had friends do this to me last week, saying that their children couldn’t be left for various reasons. It was my birthday and we’d organised a meal in town, low cost, nothing that was too expensive or complicated, and they all let me down last minute.
Cancel the hotel room, refund them their portion and don’t be in a hurry to be friendly with them again. At least in your heart you will know you’ve done nothing wrong. They’re a bit shit really. It’s not you, it’s them. X

"I feel for you i really do but i think when people have got children then it inevitable."

I think it's more Women, than Men. Men keep hold of their friendship groups. Women less so.

It's something a lot of Women regret in later life, especially if they find themselves single again.

I'd personally keep the money. Spend it on yourself!

I hate to say this but if they pull out like that and don't make the effort or come up with pathetic reasons or give you half assed ones, then they're not really the friends you thought they were.

If someone did that to me I'd be thinking that my 40th means nothing to them.

If you've given them plenty of notice well in advance they're not 'dropping' anything for you! Birthdays come once a year, it's not much to ask,and especially milestones.

If you stay friends with them take it as a warning not to arrange anything with them again.

If you have the money from everyone, I'd get the 50% back and spend it on something you would like. Your friends sound flaky and wrapped up in themselves. I really hope you have a lovely birthday just you and your DD.
Just make sure in future you are just as flat towards them.

I know how you feel.People letting you down is awful.Supposed to see my gs today,and nobody has let me know whether they are coming up or not.