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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers of young sons

237 replies

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:12

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here? How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/10/2019 20:15

I worry a bit. I expect I will have to fight my instincts to be bossy and interfering if I want to have any significant involvement with my future grandchildren.

WillowSummerSloth · 04/10/2019 20:16

I think it is what you make it. As with anything, only the negative stories are posted and there's tons of other, totally normal and happy MIL/DIL relationships out there. For me, I'll just be a friendly, kind, supportive, loving but not interfering MIL. Exactly the same as if I'd have had daughters.

madcatladyforever · 04/10/2019 20:18

I'd be fine I know for a fact DIL would let the kids live with me most of the time as her own mother died years ago.

Bezalelle · 04/10/2019 20:19

my instincts to be bossy and interfering

Why would these be your instincts though?

Witchinaditch · 04/10/2019 20:21

I see it as a what not to do as a MIL I think it’s very much tow the line with any DIL But more than anything I hope my sons pick partners I can be friends with and I will try my hardest with anyone they bring home

Littletabbyocelot · 04/10/2019 20:23

I hope I will have a relationship with my sons where they will tell me if I upset them / their partner.

FenellaMaxwell · 04/10/2019 20:24

🤷‍♀️ He’s 2. I think there’s a while before I need to worry about it yet. Also, that’s assuming that we all have straight sons. You could wind up with a son in law.

DappledThings · 04/10/2019 20:26

None of the posts bother me because my MIL is a lovely, normal woman and I'm pretty sure I am too

Aria2015 · 04/10/2019 20:26

I worry a bit but not about grandchildren. I could take or leave having grandchildren to be honest. I’m more worried about general contact if it turned out for some reason that a future dil didn't take to me. I don't think i’d be an overbearing mil as I'm pretty independent and see a future for myself beyond my lo but you can't account for a scenario where you might not gel with someone because of differences in character, values etc... Hopefully my strong bond with my son will last my lifetime. I’d quite heartbroken if a partner influenced him to the point where we couldn't enjoy a good relationship. On the upside, i generally get on with most people and have never fallen out with friends or family so hopefully that's on my side!

Echobelly · 04/10/2019 20:27

I feel fine because I'm not a possessive arse! It's very rare that DILs are horrid to perfectly nice MILs, it's usually the MILs who have chosen to behave or can't seem to help themselves from behaving unreasonably.

As I said, I'm a very unpossessive/unjealous person, so I can't imagine I'll feel horribly disregarded when my son has someone else in his life. My philosophy is to just get on with people and not make conflict... which is admittedly a challenge with my rather brittle MIL but I do the best I can and we do like each other most of the time, after an unpromising start!

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2019 20:27

I've got 3 sons and one step-grandaughter.

So far, all partners have been completely normal and there's been none of the batshittery I keep reading about on MN.

Then again, MN is and always has been quite an extreme place.

I can only think it's because the posters who have everyday normal relationships with their inlaws, don't really bother posting about it because it would make for mundane reading.

Teenagemaw · 04/10/2019 20:28

My son loves me so much...he tells me he wants to be my wee boy forever and never get married so this will never be a problem for me

AllFourOfThem · 04/10/2019 20:28

I worry about all the daughters who are NC with their mothers.

Clownfish123 · 04/10/2019 20:28

The majority of posters on mumsnet are women, and a lot of threads, particularly on AIBU are complaining about someone/something. It therefore gives a very distorted view of what is a normal MIL DIL relationship.
I know plenty of healthy MIL and DIL relationships including women who actually get on better with in laws than their own family. I also find it quite sexist that people assume it doesnt work both ways.
What about Son in Laws who don't like their MILs? We dont hear of them because very few posters are men.

Dljlr · 04/10/2019 20:29

My mil was a fucking nightmare. I won't be her.

Original poster

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:29

Also, that’s assuming that we all have straight sons. You could wind up with a son in law.

I think that would be my preference, given what I read from DILs on here!

Actually, a few of my friends have offspring with same sex partners - and now I think about it, they're the friends who have the best relationships with their sons/daughters in law!

OP posts:

MrsKyloRen · 04/10/2019 20:30

This is not intended as a dig at you personally op, but I am often surprised by the number of mothers of dds IRL who ask this question. It is always followed by something along the lines of “I’m so glad I had daughters”.

Honestly, I can’t see that there is anything to be gained by worrying about it while our sons are children. We can only do our best, raise them as we think fit, be there and listen to them, love them with all our hearts, and accept their choices. As all mothers of children, regardless of gender, will do.

Fluffsmum · 04/10/2019 20:31

I love my in laws and I loved my previous ones to (not quite in laws as he was DP but I lived with them and loved them). So I know it's possible, so it doesn't really worry me.

bonzo77 · 04/10/2019 20:31

I worry. But this means that I work very hard to make them fully functional humans who are independent of me, empathic with others, kind and communicative. And of course having a 4 year old who can put a wash on and empty the dishwasher is mostly for my benefit right now!

KUGA · 04/10/2019 20:31

I love my DIL`S.
We have great fun,go for lunch and I get to have my G/children over night.
And I am allowed to spoil them.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2019 20:32

I think I'll handle things well. I'm very close to my 22 year old son, but I know when he gets married someday, (which he wants), his first priority will, and should be, to his wife and children. I'm not overbearing or controlling with him in any way, so I doubt that would change. He's also a very level-headed, conscientious guy, and all of the girls he's dated have been very sweet and lovely. None of them were "the one" but their break ups were all very amicable. I also had very good role models growing up in regards to the relationships between my parents, their parents, and the whole in-law dynamic. None of my grandparents EVER interfered in my parent's marriage, they wouldn't have dreamed of it. My mum adored her MIL, my grandmother. They were very close. I hope for that, too.

Mesmeri · 04/10/2019 20:33

I think about karma a lot.... so I always try to be kind and respectful with my MiL by reminding myself that everything she does is coming from a place of kindness, even when she's driving me up the wall.

I also tell my sons that kind people are the best, and that when they're choosing friends/partners, that's the most important quality to look for....but my eldest is only 7, so basically I try not to think about it too much for now.

ohfourfoxache · 04/10/2019 20:33

I’m quite excited about it - the only good thing MIL has ever done for me is to teach me how not to be a MIL

It’d be lovely to see my boys in a happy relationship (although they’re only 4 and 2 so I hope that won’t be for a while yet!)

queenqueenqueen · 04/10/2019 20:33

@saraclara SMOG post

EleanorLavish · 04/10/2019 20:33

My sister in law has daughters.
She is a complete bitch.
I feel sorry for her future son in laws.
I have sons. I am lovely through and through. My future daughter in laws are lucky! They get my fabulous sons and me.

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