Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Mothers of young sons

237 replies

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:12

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here? How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters.

OP posts:

LipstickTaserrr · 04/10/2019 21:02

Are mother's of daughters not worrying about the vile lazy abusive men that seem to be over represented on MN?

I have a son and a daughter so it seems I have even more to worry about then I ever imagined!

Peakypolly · 04/10/2019 21:04

And I may well feel differently when (if) the DDs start producing.
Well I hope I won’t, surely this is the route of the problems?
Two DDs and one DS. I do fear any future DIL will feel the way many do about their MILs on here and it seems MILs cannot win, particularly if DIL is close to their own DM.

Original poster

saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:04

It's so nice to see people posting good stuff about their relationship with their MILs.
In theory of course I know that people mainly come here to whinge when things blow up. But sometimes it's when lots of people come on to back up the unreasonable (imo) DIL that I wonder what's going on with the DIL/MIL relationship.

OP posts:

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 21:06

We should just worry about raising sons and daughters that are NOT codependent (on us on on anyone) so that they can be trusted to make decisions without being totally manipulated by their future partner, and can leave a coercive relationship, and can set boundaries so that things don’t reach toxic level... and then, we don’t need to worry about blaming their partners at all. Because they will also have only committed to a relationship where they’re not doormats and they have a respected opinion..

Jesse70 · 04/10/2019 21:09

I have put a post up about my MIL

But I don't hate her I do get annoyed sometimes with her. I would never make my partner choose between us or hold a grudge I'm sure she gets pissed with me every now n then
She's family and that's that
The reason I posted about her a while back is because I just wanted to vent ! And get some stuff off my chest and I didn't think it was fair to moan at my partner because it's his mum and I didn't want to moan to my side because I think they would just have an opinion so venting to strangers felt like the best idea
When it's your own mum it's very easy to tell them to shut up or whatever of they are being a pain lol when it's someone else's you would be being rude doing it so it's best to bite your tongue sometimes

purpleolive · 04/10/2019 21:09

To be honest the biggest issue with being the mother of "only" sons are the goady mothers like the OP. How many times have mothers of sons here been told "a daughter is for life", "every woman wants a daughter", "you've got your hands full" with a face full of pity. I didn't have a choice, I have 2 beautiful boys who I love more than life itself, I would have loved a daughter but that's not how life works, but what can stop is this bloody awful stereotyping and goading. And before you tell me you aren't goading don't tell me "I'm grateful I have daughters" isn't goady, it's the definition of it! This "issue" won't effect you at all by your standards, so what else are you doing than trying to poke women and say "doesn't it worry you?". Goadiness of the highest order.

How do I feel about the issue at hand? I will try not to be a dick, and I hope she isn't a dick, not much more to it really! But by the time they grow up they will have their own lives, I don't live my life through my children now, so I don't expect to do so when they're older. I myself moved hundreds of miles away from my family, my vagina didn't stop me.

Minai · 04/10/2019 21:10

I’m not worried because I know what not to do!

I don’t have a good relationship with my mil. She is overbearing, boundary stomping and generally treats me like an incubator for her grandchildren which happens to have a very inconvenient woman attached to it.

My brothers wife has a wonderful relationship with my lovely mum. I hope to have a similar one with my future daughters in law if I have them.

DanglyTasselsOfThigh · 04/10/2019 21:13

I have an adult son and absolutely adore his long term partner! We live far across the country and message a lot of days (son doesn't do this much contact but he rings me a fair bit too)

I wouldn't be without her and see her as my own, and it seems she wouldn't be without me!

I think it depends on how you click with someone and nothing is to be taken for granted.

Stiltons · 04/10/2019 21:13

As a mother of a toddler, I would say don't worry too much. You only hear the problems and venting on MN, you don't hear about the normal relationships where everyone gets along just fine.

If your worry is about not having a relationship with your grandparents then just keep in mind that you will be a free trusted babysitter as the child grows up. Even if the newborn days are difficult and you would want to see the baby more, soon your DIL and DS will be keen to spend some time together away from the children.

HubeusRagrid · 04/10/2019 21:14

I love my MIL. I had her there for the birth of DD last year. She's a wonderful and caring person and she plays a big part in our lives. So fear not mums of young sons. There are good DIL/MIL relationships out there.

MissPepper8 · 04/10/2019 21:15

I don't have a daughter (but I could cause I'm pregnant right now) but yeah I worry a little.

My DH loves my mum, we all have a very good relationship but I don't get on with my MIL at all. Despite me trying so hard to please her and being polite and respectful, she pretty much hates me (literally through her mind over thinking and making things up in her head, to the point it is DH doing things but I get blamed as he can do no wrong). Its not nice.

I am a little head strong.. I'm sure it'll get me in trouble one day but its all through caring about people you love and being protective.

I guess mum's will always be closer to daughters with births,weddings ect, I can't see me being at births of DGC ever and that makes me a bit sad.

kateandme · 04/10/2019 21:17

I watch my gran do it.so fingers crossed my mum has learnt!

Quickcook · 04/10/2019 21:19

Mother of two boys here.
I worry about it.
But in my opinion a lot of the problems that stem from the mil/dil relationship are due to interference and a mil that can’t let go/passes judgement on the dil.

I really think ‘struggling to cut the apron strings’ is a phenomenon seen more in the mother/son relationship than the mother/daughter. And this is why tensions can run so high between mil/dil.

Yes there will be some dils who are bloody awful.
But you could acquire two awful and abusive sil if you had two daughters.
So I try not to worry too much as I think I will be able to avoid interfering too much.
But I suppose some of the time irritating and interfering mils probably just believe they are ‘helpful’ so it’s difficult to say isn’t it

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/10/2019 21:20

I'm not worried to be honest. I know I won't be an interfering MIL and I think I'm a nice person!

I am (mentally) scarred for life from birthing DS so I'm certainly not bothered about being there for the birth of potential grandchildren. Not into weddings either so I'm not bothered about getting involved, I'll just turn up.

I'm more worried about making sure DS grows up into a good man who respects women.

Quickcook · 04/10/2019 21:21

Don’t get mother’s of sons worrying about not being at the birth of grandchildren either.
As most women actually don’t even have their own mother there now. Some do but most women I know have only had their dp/husband.

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 04/10/2019 21:21

I love my in-laws. We have a great relationship and have booked to go on holiday with them again next year. They're not possessive with DD but I think they know I wouldn't stand for it. I am kind to them though. I'm not a horror honest! But we have a good laugh.

Only have a DD ATM so not an issue but if I do have a ds I think I'd be an ok mil. I'm not possessive and babies don't interest me as much as they should do so can't get see me fighting over grandchildren

I also make sure my own DM isn't horrible to her Dil, my sil. Sil is so lovely and I've told her if my mum gives her any jip then to tell me. I know DM can be horrible at times narcissist and possessive DM.

Original poster

saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:22

Actually @purpleolive, when I was pregnant I hoped for a boy.

The ONLY reason I said in the OP that I was glad I had girls, is that the very anti MIL posts on here would make me concerned for any future relationship with a DIL. I was absolutely not being goady or implying that girls are better than boys in any other sense.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2019 21:22

I sometimes wonder whether I will see my grandkids as often as I might like.

My mum sees DS every week, my MIL maybe once every three weeks. No real reason other than I'm naturally closer to my mum (through MIL is lovely) but perhaps now I should have made more effort. DH is pretty laid back so no insistence from him to facilitate visits, though MIL does have other grandkids whilst my mum only has my DS so perhaps that has also been in my mind.

In light of another thread regarding when in laws can see a new baby (though both sides in my case were all welcome) I can only hope I get a nice DIL!

DelurkingAJ · 04/10/2019 21:22

Wouldn’t occur to me to worry. We live several hours for both DM and DMIL and I adore DMIL. She has her own life, as does DM and none of us revolve around the others. Exactly as my DGM was with DM (her DDIL).

Friolero · 04/10/2019 21:24

Well said purpleolive!

I’ve got no time for this smug “I’m so relieved I’ve got daughters” nonsense. Very goady post however the OP tries to justify it.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/10/2019 21:25

All saying they know what to do? How can you know what your daughter inlaws expectations of you are.
She may not like you for no fault not your own, she may not like if you are very close to your son, will you change it? She may think your inferior to her? Will you work towards bettering yourself? Or superior to her? She may not like if you from past choices choices as a SAHM or a FTWM? How do you change that.
I don't remember when the thread was wrote so can't link, the DIL found the DM dim she was kind welcoming but very nervous and dim, her DH was aware of her feelings towards his DM. What do you do with it? Get the text books out educate yourself.
Personally if it was causing my DS stress I'd let him go.

SmoothLawAbider · 04/10/2019 21:25

As with anything, only the negative stories are posted and there's tons of other, totally normal and happy MIL/DIL relationships out there

This. My relationship with my in-laws is fine and so is my DH's. And as far as I know, my siblings and friends all get on fine with theirs too.

Just don't be a dick and you probably won't have a problem. And that's a piece of advice that can apply to most things in life!

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 21:25

Aren’t you worried after reading these threads that your daughters might have in laws from hell that reduce her to feel like a lesser human and take advantage of her at her vulnerable times ???? And control her relationship with her DH?

Why are you judging??

I find it very sensitive that people are ready to conclude that the DIL is definitely the one at fault.. this sentiment has empowered my MIL and many MIL to continue with abuse..

FunOnTheBeach20 · 04/10/2019 21:25

I’m not worried. I hope I’ll be a good MIL, my mum has good relationships with my SILs.

Horehound · 04/10/2019 21:26

I am not worried at all.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10