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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers of young sons

237 replies

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:12

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here? How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters.

OP posts:

AutumnRose1 · 04/10/2019 20:49

Testing - you might struggle to have a relationship with your children if you are bossy and interfering, never mind any grandchildren that you might have!

Bourbonbiccy · 04/10/2019 20:49

@queenqueenqueen probably thought about it due to all the dreaded MIL posts so wanted to start a discussion on it ?

I really don't see it as goady, but then it wouldn't goad me into anything if someone just generally said they were relieved to have girls/boys, I wouldn't take it as an attack, just someone's opinion.

Most people (so far) are just replying in a chatty way about it, as it appears to be intended.

Hoppinggreen · 04/10/2019 20:49

I’m not worried
No woman will ever love him as much as I do and he will never leave me
(Joking)

EmeraldShamrock · 04/10/2019 20:49

Anyway, my post wasn't intended to be goady, smug or weird
I don't think it is a goady post. As a mother of a son and a Mumsnetter it has crossed my mind.

raspberryk · 04/10/2019 20:49

The key is to treat your DIL as your daughter, get to know her as a person and a friend. Then you aren't all of a sudden only going round because she has born you a grandchild. I love my ex MIL and FIL, more than my own mother and they love me, they did so before I had the kids and still do post divorce. They have expressed their opinion over the years in all matters and I have expressed mine even more strongly. We were bonded before this and knew regardless of any differences, debates that we still loved each other and respected any decisions. We know when to apologise and keep our mouths shut. And I always know they have everyone's best interests at hear, and I have my children's. Even when things got tough and their own son wouldn't allow contact with the children through spite, they came to me and I was the strong one and sorted things out. If we hadn't been firm friends previously then perhaps I wouldn't have been inclined to do so.
If you aren't batshit craxy, or only putting up with her to get access to grandchildren then you wont have an issue hopefully.

TheCanyon · 04/10/2019 20:50

@madcatladyforever

I'd be fine I know for a fact DIL would let the kids live with me most of the time as her own mother died years ago

What do you mean by that?

Personally, my mil is dead and I do wonder how we would have got on. I have 3 daughters and a son, I hope to god I'm going to be a good mil. I'm pretty black and white though, I need to learn to reel that in maybe. Actually as a mother of 4 thats had a few cuntish bfs in the past, I'd hope i'd understand where she's coming from.

My sons only 4 and going through that stampy feet stubborn stage though, so god help anyone that's stuck with that.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/10/2019 20:50

I've got two sons (and a handful of DDs). One son has produced GC and I think the DILs would love me to be a traditional granny; over there all the time taking the children out to give them a break.

But I work two jobs and have little energy left to spare. So I leave them to their own devices unless invited over. I'm not mummying someone else's kids so they can 'have a break' when I never get a break myself.

If that makes me a horrible MIL, so be it. And I may well feel differently when (if) the DDs start producing.

Wineiscooling · 04/10/2019 20:50

I hope that as I'm a nice person and will have a good close relationship with my boys it will all be fine. I hope that my son's meet someone as nice as me. I'm a lovely daughter in law! My MIL annoys me sometimes but I'm always fair and make sure my husband and sons spend an equal amount of time with her as we do with my mum. And when my FIL was ill I looked after him as I would my own Dad. Hopefully my sons will choose their future wife carefully and based on their experience of the relationships they have witnessed growing up.
In the job I do I see all kinds of relationships between sons/daughters/mum's/dads/in laws. It has taught me that there is no "normal" in Life and relationships. And that sometimes blood is not thicker than water. I've seen some amazing daughter in laws go above and beyond for their in laws when they are ill and need support. I've also seen sons and daughters do very little for their loved ones.

Cleverplayonwords · 04/10/2019 20:51

Well I don't assume that my son will marry a woman and have children.
I'm not particularly worried though, I get on pretty well with my mil. Not particularly worried. We're all normal, friendly people that can respect boundaries.

purpleolive · 04/10/2019 20:51

Do us all a favour OP and don't raise bat shit crazy daughters. Sorted 😁

TheScruffyDog · 04/10/2019 20:51

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here?
Some people are batshit regardless of their relationship with others.
How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?
I'm a nice, reasonable person, hopefully I raise him to be a nice, reasonable person, and will therefore choose a nice reasonable person for a partner.

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters
What's to say your daughters won't be lesbians and leave you to go and live far away with with their wives who want to be near their mothers, and not you.

Original poster

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:52

Obviously my relationship with my daughters' partners is important to me, and I try to be a friendly and thoughtful MIL. But it feels like a more straightforward relationship. If it turned out that they didn't like me, I don't worry about them trying to control things or leave me out of stuff. They might moan about me in the pub but I suspect that's as far as it would go.

OP posts:

MaybeitsMaybelline · 04/10/2019 20:52

I have a DS and a DD, being on MN has definitely made me watch what i say, maybe not a bad thing as i have no filter sometimes.

The truth is, i love my DSs partner, she is strong, independent and bright. She adores DS and keeps him on track and puts up with no shit from him. She is perfect.

She also sadly lost her mum age 16, so i don't even have that competition from her own mum. She is a gem. I hope she will always be with us.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/10/2019 20:53

I get on really well with DS2's girlfriend (23) of 2.5yrs. DS2 often says jokingly "you're not friends" and she'll say "no, we're more than that."

She adores DS2 so that's enough for me. I'm not controlling, there's no batshittery from anyone so we all get along just fine.

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 20:53

Based on my behaviour and my attempt to please my in laws before I was met with hostility and then decide to go LC... I would say, I’m not very worried because I feel I will know how to not make my dil feel soooo rejected and hopefully she will naturally warm up to me..

Because I know it takes very little to be kind... and most people want to be kind.

So as a mother of s little boy.. I’m more determined to work on being s kind human being and teaching him kindness so he learns how to only accept to choose to marry someone who is kind... and I trust that this will work out for everybody

Bourbonbiccy · 04/10/2019 20:54

subconsciously I think DS is on lend to me until he is a man.
Oh my goodness, I am crazy, that thought actually upsets me 😂😂😂 He is mine....alllllll mine (joking)

My lovely Nan used to have a saying about a daughter being a daughter for life and a son is a son until he finds a wife......yes it's outdated and not PC but you get the gist.

Original poster

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:55

What's to say your daughters won't be lesbians and leave you to go and live far away with with their wives who want to be near their mothers, and not you.

They're happily partnered up with blokes, live nearby, and the youngest is about to have the first grandchild. So I think I can be confident that's not in my future!

OP posts:

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 20:55

saraclara

Chances are if you have problems with your sons in law you also will only moan about them in the pub.

Unlike the queen bee attitude that happens between MIL and DIL resulting in serious bullying.

momtoboys · 04/10/2019 20:55

I worry. I am mom to 5 sons none of whom are very young anymore. I am much closer to the time of one of them bringing home a spouse that I care to think about.

My last two children were twin boys. When I called a dear elderly relative to tell her about the birth she cried and said "Oh, dear. I prayed every night that you would have a girl. Those boys will LEAVE YOU!".

MarkingTimeIm59 · 04/10/2019 20:56

Personally I think I’ll be the perfect MIL!
I have 3 gorgeous sons. I will defend them till I die but recognise they might have the odd - minor!- fault. I look forward to meeting my future DIL and hope we’ll have a great relationship.

lljkk · 04/10/2019 20:57

There are truly dozens of things I've read on MN that are talked about as some kind of universal cultural experience... that never happened to me. Dozens.

My step-sis is a control freak so when I think about how fussy she was about what her mother (my step-mom) was allowed to do with the golden grandson... I dunno, not sure any control-freak DIL can get worse than that.

I know deep down MIL doesn't really like me but on average she's actually much kinder, more generous, more self-less & easier to deal with than my own mom was. So MIL has been a good role model of how to be supportive, even though she doesn't like me. That takes grace.

Iggly · 04/10/2019 20:57

People who have straight forward relationships with their MILs don’t post so no I’m not worried.

My view is don’t be a dick, keep my mouth shut unless asked for advice especially when it comes to the dcs and be supportive.

RoseViolet101 · 04/10/2019 20:59

What about Son in Laws who don't like their MILs?

To be honest I think most men just get on with it. There’s unlikely to be as many reasons to clash as there are with sons wife’s as it’s just a different dynamic. My Mum can be a pain in the arse but DH just shrugs it off.

I find it much harder as a woman to accept any criticism, advice or judgement from my MIL. Since I had DD I have really struggled to spend time with IL’s.

I’m just as scared though that my DD will grow up and not want to spend time with me, she’s a Mummy’s girl now but who knows. Maybe she will move to Australia (i’d have to move to!).

Samosaurus · 04/10/2019 21:00

To be honest, mostly everyone I know in real life gets on fine with their MiL's for the most part. I think people who have problems post here, but the majority of people who don't have these problems don't post about not having problems!

Ludways · 04/10/2019 21:00

I love my MIL, most of my friends love their MIL's too. My ds is 18 and I know he'll always keep in touch with me, we have a great relationship. I've told him to go on adventures and see the world so I'm not expecting him to stay close. I tell dd to do the same.

I moved abroad at 18 and have a close loving relationship with my parents. We don't have to live in each other's pockets to maintain that.

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