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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of young sons

237 replies

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:12

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here? How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters.

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 04/10/2019 20:34

I get on well w my MiL (she only has sons) but tbh I've just accepted I'm unlikely to have a close relationship with my son's wives and any gc.

queenqueenqueen · 04/10/2019 20:34

Weird post, why do you even care?

Bourbonbiccy · 04/10/2019 20:35

I would like to think we will going him up to have a great relationship with us and would be close when he was older, not in your pocket close (although I would probably love that BlushBlush) but close to call/visit and chat about anything.

I wouldn't be overbearing, but again would like to think I will bring him up to be well balanced enough to make good decisions and have a good enough relationship to discuss things openly and honestly.

I think I would "put up and shut up" if push come to shove so as not to loose him if the situation ever came to it, but I have a great relationship with my in-laws, so would like the same with any DIL or SIL.

Fredericacaca · 04/10/2019 20:36

I do think that the My ILs are SOOOO unreasonable" posts may come back to bite them on the bum.

Clownfish123 · 04/10/2019 20:37

Intentionally goady post. Yeah so all the mothers of boys should hope they are gay so they have better relationships with their in laws. Hmm so weird.

cptartapp · 04/10/2019 20:38

As I plan to spend lots of my retirement travelling, I'm just glad I seemingly won't be relied on as much do do childcare.

Bourbonbiccy · 04/10/2019 20:39

Weird post, why do you even care?

It's really not that weird. It a high possibility anyone with a son will become a MIL, so it's a valid thought how relationships would be with your sons first girlfriend, wife, kids etc.

queenqueenqueen · 04/10/2019 20:40

@Clownfish123 totally agree 👏

Molly2017 · 04/10/2019 20:41

My MiL has provided an excellent example of ‘how not to do it’ so I’m feeling pretty confident.

Slappadabass · 04/10/2019 20:41

I hadn't thought about it until reading posts on here, and also the fact that my MIL is a absolute nightmare but yes I do worry, I have a DD and a DS and I hope there won't be any difference in our relationships when they are adults.
I hope reading posts on here, and also dealing with a nightmare MIL that I will have some insight and be a good MIL, my ex MIL was lovely so I've had both sides of the coin and I know which one I want to be!

57Varieties · 04/10/2019 20:41

I'm so relieved that I have daughters
Biscuit

Original poster
saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:42

I adored my MIL. I was much closer to her than I was to my mother. She was the perfect Mil and the perfect grandparent.

I feel sad saying were. She's still alive, but she's in the last stages of Alzheimers, and the last vestiges of her are gone.

OP posts:
queenqueenqueen · 04/10/2019 20:42

@bourbonbiccy why would someone who is "relieved" to not have boys care about other people's future relationship with their DILs, as pp said seems like a v goady post.

DareDevil223 · 04/10/2019 20:43

My (grown up) son has no desire to be a parent, so it's unlikely to be an issue. We're very close though so if he did I can't imagine that I'd be excluded even if he did.

I'm not interested in running his life though, so that helps...

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 20:43

I can't say I've given it a lot of thought and I have a son. I get on well with him, understand him (as far as you ever can), and always accommodated his friends. I got on with my in laws too. I'd have probably been the same with daughters.

DonPablo · 04/10/2019 20:43

I read a thread today that made me worry a bit about this.

What can you do? I'm just gonna be cool, be the way I am and what will be will be.

I've had wine. That'll be interesting to read back tomorrow!

WhatTiggersDoBest · 04/10/2019 20:44

LOL I'm half-hoping my son will grow up to be gay, but if he's into women, I'll totally support his choices.
At it's heart, the MIL drama that gets handed down through the ages seems to come from two things. 1. "My MIL did X to me so now it's my turn" and 2. The difference in values between older and younger generations at any given point in time, especially the difference in social rules. I don't see that going away any time soon, but it'll certainly be interesting to see if the new generation have different minutiae in their MIL issues to the current ones.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/10/2019 20:44

It sounds awful from reading MN thread subconsciously I think DS is on lend to me until he is a man.
I don't feel that way about DD.
I want him to earn well but I'd prefer him to meet someone on his level from a wc background. It gives me a chance Grin
although I am upper WC lighthearted Grin

Original poster
saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:46

Anyway, my post wasn't intended to be goady, smug or weird.

I do genuinely wonder about the sheer volume of posts about MILs and the casual discrimination between mothers and MILs when it comes to grandparenthood, and wonder how many of them are written by mothers of boys.
I've seen other mothers of boys post with concern on some of them, so I just wondered how much MOBs are affected by what they read from DILs on here.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 04/10/2019 20:46

I think a lot of problems arise when MILs can't accept their sons shift in priority to their wife. I have had two MILs and my current one is lovely and we get on very well, but my previous one always wanted to be number one and first to know everything and the one source of advice etc and it just got worse and worse.

But as someone says, your sons could be gay or not want children or your daughter's may not get on well with you as adults. All you can do is be kind and hope for the best

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2019 20:46

I can't say I worry about it very much. I hope whoever my DS decides to set up home with, or have DC with, if he decides that's what he wants to do,isn't horrible.

thenightfury · 04/10/2019 20:46

I worry a bit. I'm very very close with my mum and she's very involved in DS' life. My MIL is not as much but not through lack of trying on my part. I think she's scared to step on my toes but I have tried very hard not to give her that impression! I've always invited her to come see DS and be involved but we just don't have the same relationship as I do with my mum. DH says she's not an emotionally available person so I'm hoping I don't have the same relationship with my future DIL/ SIL

Kittenbittenmitten · 04/10/2019 20:47

@BarbariansMum. Why is that? If you don't mind my asking.
I'm soon going to be the mother of two boys and it has crossed my mind which is a bit silly.
I'll try not to be guilty of standard MIL crimes and if I had a daughter I'd do the same. There won't be much I can do if DIL doesn't like me. Sometimes it happens but I would hope I'd raise a child who wouldn't be dictated to and would continue to have a relationship with me even if his wife didn't want him to.

I shall just try my best to be a "cool mom" not like a regular mom Grin.

Original poster
saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:48

subconsciously I think DS is on lend to me until he is a man.

I think that's how I'd feel. Certainly I think I'd feel insecure about the future relationship.

OP posts:
StarlingsInSummer · 04/10/2019 20:48

My MIL is lovely, and kind, and respectful. I intend to follow her example and then hopefully my relationship with my DIL will be as good as my relationship with MIL.