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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of young sons

237 replies

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:12

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here? How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters.

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 05/10/2019 08:06

I hope to be just like my MIL. She died this year. I'm still grieving. I loved her very, very much. She did an amazing job bringing up her children and my DH is an amazing man. She loved my children so much. She was an easy person to get along with and easy person to love.

She called me a "wife in a million" and told me her son was lucky to have me. She said I brought to much to the family.

My own Mum died when I was 8.

My MIL loved me like a daughter.

So hopefully I'll be just like my MIL, I'll do a good job bringing up my son, I want him to be happy in life and I'll be there for him, his partner and their family. We'll find our way together. I'll do the same for my daughter.

seeingdots · 05/10/2019 08:12

Doesn't really worry me too much tbh. Hopefully I will raise my son to have good taste (whether he's interested in women or men) and I don't plan on sticking my oar in and telling them how to raise their kids etc. I have a good relationship with my MIL so I hope to be able to replicate that.

taybert · 05/10/2019 08:13

I get on well with my mother in law. She doesn’t necessarily have the sort of relationship with her son that I would like with my sons but there’s no argument or animosity, it’s just different personalities and different approaches to life in different circumstances.

I’ve got two brothers and I know that both my sisters in law absolutely adore my mum and she loves them too. I’m sure we’ve all done things to irritate each other occasionally but that’s families and relationships in general- not everyone has a terrible relationship with their in laws.

Whattodoabout · 05/10/2019 08:14

I’ll just be a nice person and hope for the best.

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 08:15

I hope the things I've learnt from my relationship with my MIL will help me when it comes to having a relationship with my future DILs!

MRex · 05/10/2019 08:36

My PIL spend more time with SIL and I than either of our parents, mostly because of location. BIL restricted visitors early on when their DC was a baby, not from any malice nor bad relationship, but I thought it would break poor MIL not being able to see the baby much. She was too respectful to complain, but it hurt her. I've always tried to give her much more time with DS and she gets to see much more of the other DG now.

DS is still very young, so I can't imagine being a MIL. I try to just enjoy him now, because he won't want to be with us every minute when he's older regardless of his partners. I'll try to emulate my MIL when he does settle down, she might not always get it right but I always feel she's doing her best and I always feel loved and accepted by her.

GrumpiestCat · 05/10/2019 08:40

I don't worry about it. My boys know I love them and they love me. Ill be happy if they're settled with someone and accepted into their spouses family. My mother in law is lovely even post divorce we are close.

Phineyj · 05/10/2019 08:50

My MIL is nice enough but has (repeatedly) said some stuff that my DM would never, ever have gone into with DH. She also implicitly expects me to do all the organising of meet ups as DH is very lazy on that front. I do sometimes feel.like saying to her: Be less bossy to me as it's only because I exist you get to see your DS and DGC in an organised fashion at all! I must say I mainly bother as FIL is delightful. In my experience there is way more pressure on the women to make the relationship work. Hence why you hear so much more about the problems.

I admire the mums on here who are trying to raise their DSs to be good partners. I'm not sure it's something my PIL gave enough thought to.

Answerthequestion · 05/10/2019 09:04

Well my son is 22 so not young but it made me really sad to think for no other reason than she could, a daughter- in-law wouldn't let me see a grandchild after birth but her mother would be welcomed with open arms

Honestly, it’s not common. I’ve never heard of a dads parents not being welcomed IRL. Obviously it’s different if they want to come and stay but popping in for a cuddle and a photo is the norm because the baby has, you know, 2 parents, and the dad is as proud and important as the mum

corythatwas · 05/10/2019 09:16

I would very much hope, regardless of gender, that either of my children has equal status as a parent and has an equal say in any decisions regarding the children and PULLS THEIR WEIGHT AS A PARENT. If the son I have brought up turns out to be a deadweight dad who doesn't know when his children have their school concert or when their vaccination is due or how you settle them when they are upset, then frankly my place as a grandparent will be the least of my concerns. Other than that, I hope I will still have enough of my marbles to know that my place in this setting will have to be earned, by tact and supportiveness and being generally pleasant to be around. I had a wonderful MIL. I can't be her, but I can think of her and how she did it.

thebakerwithboobs · 05/10/2019 09:29

I have six sons and a lovely mother in law who thinks the sun shines out of my arse 🤣 My lads love me and I love them but I know that they will grow to have lives of their own. The older ones already have girlfriends etc. and I pass no judgement, I simply listen and take their lead. I give advice to my sons if it's asked for, I don't if it's not. It seems to work so far. Forums like Mn are often where people can vent without being heard in real life, so it stands to reason you get a skewed version of reality. Most mother in laws are lovely most of the time I think-I certainly don't have any friends with massive MIL issues.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/10/2019 09:31

This thread is uplifting hearing on all of lovely DIL/MIL relationships.
Some have made my eyes well up. I am having an emotional week Smile

Bluegrass · 05/10/2019 09:43

Father in laws always seems to be almost non-existent figures in these conversations.

You never seem to hear much about a father’s fears of “losing his daughter to another man”, or his worries about the tricky relationship with his son in law, or relief that he had a son who will “never leave him”.

Does that suggest that all this angst particularly circulates around women’s assumed role as gatekeepers controlling access to grandchildren and as managers of the family relationships?

RHTawneyonabus · 05/10/2019 09:55

You’ve actually upset me this morning- thanks OP! My sons are obviously a huge part of my life. But my adult relationship with them is apparently at the whim of what some future unknown woman thinks of me.

You’ve assumed that this isn’t the case for you as men’s opinions don’t matter much?

EmeraldShamrock · 05/10/2019 10:06

@Bluegrass Not necessarily.
I think a man is content if he is healthy fed and warm, women are more caring and considerate.
The reason lots of DIL's end up reminding him to contact with his family if she didn't he probably wouldn't bother.
Once they're happy and warm most men are content with themself.

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 05/10/2019 10:12

I'm not overly worried. There are some pretty awful mothers and mother in laws, but equally there are plenty of DiLs who like a drama and could start an argument with themselves. I trust my sons not to hook up with them but there's nothing I can do if they do.

MrsNotNice · 05/10/2019 10:14

EmeraldShamrock

That sounds like you are saying “men are self centred” while women have more “empathy”.

So, the blame should be from mother to her own son for being self centred.. she should’ve put effort to raise him as considerate and caring.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/10/2019 10:19

That sounds like you are saying “men are self centred” while women have more “empathy”
Yes thank you.
Most men anyway, my Dbro was my DM's first and favourite his DW is lovely and rings monthly at least. My Father didn't bother outside his family, or my FIL. I often remind DP to phone home.
I am not sure if it is nature or nurture.
NAMALT.

MrsNotNice · 05/10/2019 10:38

EmeraldShamrock

I reckon that’s the reason why many many wives end up feeling sympathy for the MiL (including myself) and stepping into the role of social secretary on behalf of their husband.. going out of their way...

And I guess this is also.. sorry to say.. like in my case.. the reason why the mother is usually scared to lose her “self centred” son’s attention further and ends up finding it easier to place the blame on his wife or take out her frustration on his wife... because she is an easier target and she isn’t really that emotional about “losing” her.. not all MIL, but some.. who don’t have the ability to think outside the box.

Which makes it fricking hard for many of us daughters in law to remain compassionate about being voluntary social secretaries when we receive no appreciation for it and abuse instead.. and when the MIL thinks her son deserves better and the sun shines out of his arse and inflates his ego just so she can feel secure in her relationship with him...

It’s hard to then enable her and let her assume that her son totally sent her a gift last Christmas and it wasn’t me, the lower class good for nothing wife, spending my own money and wrapping it because her son doesn’t bother.. and it’s hard to go to DH telling him how he needs to be calling his sweeet mother, when she is being anything but sweet. I still do it anyway but when you put that kind of effort, it hurts a tonne to to be rejected for it.. which is why some dil are seen as drama lama and picking fights. So sometimes it’s just better
to not put that kind of effort.

It’s not a MIL thing. Some humans are toxic and when put in an already difficult dynamic they’re hard to handle...

This can’t be disputed surely?

I’m soo beyond jealous and depressed about how much I wanted a loving family in law and how I seem to be The rare one who didn’t manage to get that.. and yet I’m
getting blamed for it.

altiara · 05/10/2019 10:40

I get on perfectly well with my MIL, and my DH also doesn’t rely on me to contact his mum, although MIL and I do contact each other when we want to on top of his weekly calls.
She’s a brilliant grandmother and less annoying than my own DM! And as she lives further away than DM, it was MIL who stayed for a few days after I had DD. I also let SIL dress DD in hospital as we were leaving and was happy that all of DD’s family wanted to meet her and love her. I’ve got some really great SILs and our children adore their cousins and all grandparents. I’d be surprised if they chose partners that didn’t like family.

Original poster
saraclara · 05/10/2019 11:00

Does that suggest that all this angst particularly circulates around women’s assumed role as gatekeepers controlling access to grandchildren and as managers of the family relationships?

Again, I'm only going on MNposts here. But that does seem to be what a lot of MNers do. How many times have we seen long threads about the DIL dictating stuff, and then some brave poster will say "but what about your DH? Do his feelings not count?"

Fortunately, in real life I rarely come across it.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 05/10/2019 11:03

@MrsNotNice I agree. I told DP it was up to him to remember and send a gift to his DM for her Bday. I was sick of mothering him.
MIL hasn't got a gift from him in 3 years, he really loves her, he just doesn't think or care enough to organise it.

Grimbles · 05/10/2019 11:07

Well, I'd hope that I'd understand that my son is able to make his own decisions and not blame his partner for the choices that he makes

I'd understand that a woman who has just given birth will feel differently about her own mum seeing her partially clothed, bleeding and uncomfortable than she would her partners mum and dad.

MRex · 05/10/2019 11:33

seeing her partially clothed, bleeding and uncomfortable

This kind of comment is always really strange to me. I had an emergency caesarean, an hour later I wore comfy Tena pants for the blood and got dressed in my comfy long dress with boob access while DS napped post-boob, then face washed and put on light make-up. A few hours later down on the ward I hid the wee bag and happily greeted all four of our parents to show off DS. When he needed a feed we sent all 4 out of the room and fetched them back 15 minutes later. I was in pain of course, that's what the paracetamol and ibuprofen are for. There was no point at which I needed to be naked and bleeding all over the visitors and I just can't imagine what's going on for that to happen.

DoingWhatWorks · 05/10/2019 11:51

There was a spate of IL bashing threads this week. I would be worried if my DC married the women on those threads. Grin I hope they're raised well enough to know better.
My DBrother married a 'gatekeeper'. She was/is a complete nightmare. It didn't last. He can't believe he stayed as long as he did. He is finally getting his life back. He still has to deal his EX and she tries to use their DC as leverage over him. He says he is never going back. Luckily, my DParents stuck by him through it all despite his Ex's best efforts and they are helping him get back on track.