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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of young sons

237 replies

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:12

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here? How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters.

OP posts:
eeksville · 04/10/2019 21:47

I'm not worried. In real life I find my mother just as annoying as my mil & most of my friends have far more friction with their own mothers.

Tweefutom · 04/10/2019 21:49

I feel worried TBH.

My MIL detested her own MIL for being aloof and interfering at the same time. Yet she is the same with me and I avoid her wherever possible.

I desperately hope that I remember what it was like and can be a support to any DIL I have, and without ever being critical or interfering or belittling.

Original poster
saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:49

@JaceLancs as I mentioned elsewhere, my friends with gay sons have great relationships with their SILs. There's no competition with the mums, is my take on it.

In fact, one of the couples split up (amicably) a year ago, but my friend's ex-SIL still calls her and invites her out for a lunch and a gossip because he misses her!

OP posts:
eeksville · 04/10/2019 21:50

Oh & DH is very close to his mum which I think is nice & a good model
for DS.

Original poster
saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:50

(SIL=son in law, obv. Why does it look like I'm talking about sisters in law?!)

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 04/10/2019 21:50

My sons are young adults but not in long term relationships yet. I'm not too worried about being a MIL. I know what not to do, and my very sensible DH will be quick to pull me back into line if I'm in any danger of overstepping the mark.

PumpityPumpPump · 04/10/2019 21:50

My own MIL has no time for us as she is so focused on her DD and their family.

It isn't for want of trying to be close to her, she just isn't interested in us. It isn't always down to the DiL not letting them in.

I have given up now as it used to get me down so much, it's their loss.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 21:53

In real life I find my mother just as annoying as my mil & most of my friends have far more friction with their own mothers.

exactly

and in real life, thankfully, I don't know anyone with a MIL as horrendous as some posters had the misfortune to experience! I do know people who have moved to a different country or even a continent to avoid any family drama though, sounds like a good idea sometimes Grin

LL83 · 04/10/2019 21:55

Certainly I think I'd feel insecure about the future relationship.

For real??? Have you read anything about women being controlled by men and cut off from family? Why dont you worry about that??

Probably because you dont expect that to be your future. You believe your dds will meet lovely partners and you'll all get on wonderfully and that is what mothers of sons believe too. And for most people it will be nice. All parents could have a child with a partner who isnt good for them, we protect against it as best we can but there is no point worrying about it especially while they are children.

Enjoy the here and now dont think about other people's potential future problems.

Spookydot · 04/10/2019 21:55

People tend to only write about things if they’re bad. I personally have a great relationship with my in-laws and lots of people I know do too!!

PumpityPumpPump · 04/10/2019 21:56

I am one of 5 daughters, I bet my mum thought she would be the granny to beat all granny's! 5 daughters imagine!

Sadly she had a terminal illness and died before we had the grandchildren. You never know what is going to happen in the future.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 04/10/2019 21:56

Maybe mothers of daughters should be raising them to understand that the relationship between mother and daughter is not more important than that between mother and son.

purpleolive · 04/10/2019 21:56

@Fundays12 I know what you mean. In my family, where there are girls and boys the mums seem to make so much more effort with the girls, knowing the boys will be absorbed into the girl's family, which I guess works in "balanced" families. I'm kind of hoping I am going to be closer to my sons than the women in my family are with their sons are, because I'm investing the time with them, the women in my family didn't. For example, growing up my dad took my brother to football, he watched all the matches, and my mum took me to my "girly" activities, whereas I go to all of my boy's training sessions and matches, I have no where else to be and no where else I want to be. Just a small example of how my relationship is deeper compared to others in my family (and NOT saying this is the case for everybody, I really hope it isn't, but it's certainly how mother and sons are in my family which is why I have thought about it a fair bit)

I try to think more about MY relationship with my sons, rather than with the future partners, all I can do is invest in my relationship with them (and eventually the partners of course) and hope we have respectful relationships all round. There really isn't much more I can do but hope women being raised now can understand mothers and sons are allowed relationships too, there's such a double standard in this context.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 04/10/2019 21:57

I see it as analogous to my brother and my SIL.

My brother had a string of relationships with absolute nightmares. I was so worried he’d make one of them permanent and we’d be stuck with her at family Christmasses forever. But then he met my SIL who is wonderful.

I can imagine my son being the same. A few miss hits before he scores a blinder.

Also, am determined that my son will not be like any of the shithead husbands you read about on here. As a feminist, I will always be in the side of his girlfriends, unless one of them steals jewellery from me. Which is what one of my brother’s exes did [shocked]

TurquoiseDress · 04/10/2019 22:00

In real life I find my mother just as annoying as my mil & most of my friends have far more friction with their own mothers

I tend to very much agree with this statement!

Toffeecakes · 04/10/2019 22:01

My MIL believes that mother’s are closest to their daughter’s children, as a result she spends all her time with them and barely knows my children. I’ve never heard of this, as a child I was just as close to both sets of grandparents, but I’m worried that this is what most people believe. I’ve heard that sons usually leave and daughter’s don’t but I was convinced that was a very outdated concept, it seems my/my DH’s experience is just this.

I’d like to think I wouldn’t be interfering, my main worry is that I won’t see my sons as often as I’d like. My brother is less close to my mum and she seems to want him around more because of that. I’m anticipating difficult times ahead, thankfully it’s a long way off yet.

Missingsandraohingreys · 04/10/2019 22:02

They horrify me !!!!

Alittleodd · 04/10/2019 22:05

I have terrible standards for cleaning, like to buy people food, hate toys that make noise, think dropping in on people unannounced is the height of rudeness and have absolutely minimal interest in children before they can talk back in an intelligible manner and so have no desire to ever "take over" with anyone's baby. Ever.

I'm basically the dream MIL already.

Although my 4 year old insists he is never getting married, is staying with me forever and never having children (so I don't become a grandma as apparently people only die once they become grandparents in his world so this ensures my eternal life)

Leflic · 04/10/2019 22:06

Meh. Like having kids you aren’t doing it right unless they are embarrassed or fed up with you at some point.
Looking forward to being “that”MIL.

Charles11 · 04/10/2019 22:08

It very much depends on the dil too. Ive heard of some hellish mils in real life and I’ve seen some decent mils who really try but are pushed out by
It’s all a bit unpredictable.

BlingLoving · 04/10/2019 22:09

I dont worry about it because in real life, the level of toxity that is so prevalent on MN doesn't exist. Yes, I know lots of women who find their mil's annoying etc at times (including me) but the vast bulk just get on with it and do appreciate the positives.

I also think that mil threads are roughly split in 2 ; the ones where the milnreally is batshit crazy and the ones where the poster is ridiculously over sensitive/ insensitive etc. We are coming up for Christmas so I am bracing myself for the endless posts about how dare mil want to see her ds and his family at any point within the 72 hours surrounding the 25th.m

funinthesun19 · 04/10/2019 22:09

I have 3 boys and 1 girl.

I’d like to think I end up with a DIL like me when my boys meet someone in the future. I’ve been respectful to my in laws and inclusive of them in my children’s lives. I don’t have the attitude that my family are “more important” to my children.

Yes, I am closer to my own family. That’s just natural. My children do see my family more, especially my dad. Because my family live closer. But I still think it’s important to remember that my children have another side of the family too and to maintain those relationships.

If I have a DIL like me I will be happy.

1300cakes · 04/10/2019 22:11

My mum sees DS every week, my MIL maybe once every three weeks. No real reason other than I'm naturally closer to my mum but perhaps now I should have made more effort

But why should you make the effort and not your DH? It's his mother!

Every time I read a post like this, the DW is blamed when it's just that the son isn't bothered keeping in touch with his mother. That's on him.

The attitude is that it's the women's responsibility to take care of both mothers and the man's responsibility for neither. Even the positive mil/DIL posts betray this attitude - "she's like another mum to me/like a daughter" - but why should she be, and why should that have anything to do with the sons behaviour.

I see my parents every week and they have a lot of contact with my dc. That's not because my DH is "like a son" to them, he isn't, although they get on well. It's because I make the effort.

noodlenosefraggle · 04/10/2019 22:13

eeksville I agree. The women I know IRL, including myself and my SIL have somewhat fraught relationships with their own mothers. My Dbro is closer to my mother than I am and we spend more time with my MIL than my SIL does even though they live closer. I'm not worried at all. You never know what will happen in the future. Im glad I have boys because thats what I have. I dont want them to spend their lives running round after me.

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2019 22:16

@1300cakes I was a SAHM for 2.5 years while DH worked full time so I would arrange to see my mum during the week and I could have arranged to see MIL too but I often didn't. At the weekends, we tended to do things just as a three rather than see in laws or, indeed, my mum. You're right in what you say though.