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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of young sons

237 replies

saraclara · 04/10/2019 20:12

How do you feel when you read the in-law posts on here? How positive do you feel about the role you'll have when your son and DIL have babies?

I didn't give it any thought before I joined MN, but now I'm so relieved that I have daughters.

OP posts:
purpleolive · 04/10/2019 21:27

@saraclara you could have approached the topic in a much less goady way, doing it from the stance of-thank goodness I don't have boys, is NOT the way to do it, do you not think about how that could make someone feel? The irony is it's this kind of ignorance and poor communication that can cause fractious relationships between women.

PumpityPumpPump · 04/10/2019 21:27

SMOG

Samosaurus · 04/10/2019 21:28

OP you are the very definition of a Smug Mother of Girls!

FaFoutis · 04/10/2019 21:28

Not worried at all about that.

I worry more about my daughter actually having the babies.

Original poster
saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:29

@saraclara you could have approached the topic in a much less goady way, doing it from the stance of-thank goodness I don't have boys, is NOT the way to do it, do you not think about how that could make someone feel? The irony is it's this kind of ignorance and poor communication that can cause fractious relationships between women.

And you could have read it in the way that the vast majority of posters did, and not launched into a shouty rant.

OP posts:
stuffedpeppers · 04/10/2019 21:31

Fab relationship with my MIL - I would like to emulate that!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/10/2019 21:31

My MIL is CO from us and One other son. She is also barley tolerated by the other.

She has been an excellent example of what not to do. I have no worries.

leomama81 · 04/10/2019 21:31

I adored my MIL. I was much closer to her than I was to my mother. She was the perfect Mil and the perfect grandparent.

Which proves it doesn't have to be the way you are asking about.

I'm about to have a son, I have thought about this, but at the end of the day I think the relationship is entirely what you make it.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/10/2019 21:32

I'm hoping my son takes after DH.

My dad was not close with his family (I always felt he thought he was better than them) but he is a very closed off man. My brother is now the same. He is just awful with my DM who is absolutely lovely. He is always nice with his ILs and is naturally drawn to his GFS/wife's family regardless of what they're like. It's odd.

My DH is very close with his family, about as close as I am with mine. Even his mum and my mum go out together now and our dads go to the match together. DH rings his mum to just chat, he takes her out to the cinema if FIL doesn't want to see something etc. It's a really lovely relationship. If I'm being totally honest, I didn't know men could have that sort of relationship with their mum's. I thought it was a girl thing.
I hope my son learns that he can have a relationship with us when he's older if he wants and if he is with someone who wants to stop that then maybe they aren't right for him.
I like to think I'll be understanding but I think it's easier to take a bit more involvement and overlook a few more comments from your own mum than someone else's.

I vowed when I first fell pregnant that I would make sure to be as balanced as possible for our son, he would have equal opportunity to spend time with both sides of the family, and everyone together.
All I can hope is that he is able to maintain a good relationship with us if he wants to once he's older.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 04/10/2019 21:32

I don't really worry about this. I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL but her and my SIL on the other hand don't get on at all and my SIL is on the side of "I hate my MIL". Sadly she has managed to turn my BIL against all of us, even to the point he has only seen his 2 daughters from a previous relationship once in the last 12 months. My MIL will defend her sons if needed but is not blind to their faults and I have been able to talk to her about things when me and DH were going through a rough patch. We go on holiday together once a year to Spain along with my own DM (seperate apartments for everyone of course Grin). I hope my relationship with any future DIL is the same as what I have with mine

TheScruffyDog · 04/10/2019 21:33

They're happily partnered up with blokes, live nearby, and the youngest is about to have the first grandchild. So I think I can be confident that's not in my future!

But, you never know what's in your future. I've just seen a friend of my parents in bits because their daughter (and husband, two young kids) have had a job opportunity in Australia, and have decided to go for it. Six weeks and they're off, it wasn't ever on the cards or discussed previously.

SilverChime · 04/10/2019 21:34

I’m 40. I hope my DS will have a career and enjoy his life before settling down, so if he has DC he’ll probably be approaching 40. That makes me nearly 80 so I doubt I’ll be too worried about looking after my GDC!

purpleolive · 04/10/2019 21:37

@saraclara shouty rant? I think I wrote considered and thought out response if I do say so myself? But sure you can put me down as hysterical to belittle me if you want? I think there are plenty of other posters who have taken it in the same light I have.

BarbariansMum · 04/10/2019 21:37

@Kittenbittenmitten I guess because it all seems so complicated and so fraught. It's not the tales of nightmare MiLs on here that bother me, it's the ones by people who take offence at the slightest little thing - she held the baby slightly too much, or not enough, or never offers to babysit, or dared to offer to babysit, or does some stuff differently, or said something, or didnt say something etc etc etc. I get exhausted just reading about it and can't imagine a life where I want to spend all my time walking on eggshells or jumping through hoops knowing I'll almost certainly do or say the wrong thing every verse end. Better just to give it away.

AnyOldPrion · 04/10/2019 21:40

I trust my sons to choose nice women. Not sure I’ll ever be a grandmother as none of them seem keen. I was ridiculously pleased a while back when my eldest went out with a young woman who had a two year old, so I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t be that MIL who doesn’t treat the step-grandchildren right.

But the main thing I hope is that they’re happy. If they aren’t, it will be difficult. But that’ll be the same with any girl my daughter brings home too.

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2019 21:40

Tbh, no-one ever really knows how their relationship with their kids will pan out. Those with daughters could experience their child ending up in an abusive relationship and having to watch that without being able to do anything. Those with sons could have DIL issues...who knows!

Magicmama92 · 04/10/2019 21:41

I have a daughter but I still dont want to be like my mil is with us with her. I bet a lot of in laws are lovely but some dont seem to have boundaries and interfere and make life hard and it shouldn't be that way daughter or son.

zxcvhjkl · 04/10/2019 21:43

I'm not bat shit crazy so I think we will jog along just fine.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 21:43

I have girls AND boys. I am not worried. I am raising my kids to be confident, independent and hopefully happy - the way their parents are really.

I can only try not to turn into the MIL from hell you read about on MN, demanding, self-centred making everything about herself with completely unreasonable demands - but then you read the same thing about some mothers.

You just have to accept that your children are completely different individuals and it's ok if they have a different opinion.

Relieved about having daughters? Whatever makes you feel better, you have no idea what you are missing, clearly.

Smashtastick · 04/10/2019 21:44

Op having daughters means nothing. Me and my mother are not at all close.

Original poster
saraclara · 04/10/2019 21:44

Those with daughters could experience their child ending up in an abusive relationship and having to watch that without being able to do anything

Yep, to all who've made this point, it's a very fair one.

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 04/10/2019 21:44

I remember a poster on here (around a year ago maybe?) who kicked off that her MIL bathed her DS, took him out to see her friends and bought him clothes. That thread got me worried that people like this are really out there.
The thread was full of anger at the MIL from this DIL who was furious that she was "stepping on her toes" and "taking over". She described her as "just wrong".
No backstory, no huge issue or falling out... Just anger that another woman was being maternal to her child.
My MIL often refers to my DS as her son's name instead of his name, it's a slip of the tongue as the last child she was around was her own. She annoys me at times but so does my own mum (who I have a much higher tolerance for) but I love her.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/10/2019 21:46

To be honest.....that's a good point.

Go and spend a day on DWIL some of the shit on there is definitely of the bat variety.

I don't know how half the men of those posters haven't told them to piss off.

JaceLancs · 04/10/2019 21:46

DS is gay
We are very close
I hope his future partner likes/loves me
I hope I like/love them
Not even considered in laws

Fundays12 · 04/10/2019 21:47

It sort of worries me but I hope that I raise my sons to be able to ensure any future DILs don’t alienate me from my grandkids lives. Also there are 2 sides to it my MIL has over and over again made it clear she favours her daughters, granddaughters and great granddaughters to the point she had basically largely ruined the relationship between her and dh and our sons. She may well see me as the problematic DIL though. When in reality it’s me that’s encouraged dh to try have a positive relationship with her for years. I however gave up recently as MIL is constantly ignoring all my boys achievements and comparing them to her favourite great granddaughters who she is almost obsessed with (to the point every conversation is about her). It’s got to the point no matter how well my sons do they are never as good as this little girl in her eyes. I don’t want my kids growing up feeling this is normal or acceptable behaviour or that they are not good enough so have been keeping my distance. Dh has had enough off it too and actually commented how spiteful and mean his mother sounded recently when she was comparing other grandkids to her favourite great granddaughter.