Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA Grin

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 17:14

MakingABoobOfIt

I didn’t say they should expect anything. I took issue with your statement that you see yourself as having zero obligation to your close relatives because you’ve just given birth. I simply don’t agree. But each to their own.

Magicmama92 · 04/10/2019 17:16

When I was pregnant my mil didnt understand why I said I didnt want her at hospital when I was giving birth. She said well I can just wait in the cafe. I could have been in labour days why would she want to sit waiting. Plus we said we wanted to spend some alone time with our baby before seeing family. I dont have my mum so wanted my dad to meet my baby first and I didnt like how she assumed if she camped out shed get to meet the baby before anyone else. I dont think family think tbh they all just want to come see the new baby despite you being exhausted and wanting time to bond. Il certainly be remembering how I felt so if my daughter has children il be respectful and tell her to let me know when shes ready for a visit.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 17:18

@seaweedandmarchingbands but my close relatives wouldn’t see me as having any obligation to them whatsoever - they would want to visit when I’m ready, rather than when they want to. My issue is with other relatives who believe they are entitled - and therefore I am obliged to let them - visit the baby.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 17:21

MakingABoobOfIt

Like I say, each to their own. People who have always been respectful and kind to me and my family were welcome to meet my baby as soon as I felt up to it.

Livelovebehappy · 04/10/2019 17:25

I’ve visited close family after they’ve given birth thinking that they would be happy that people care enough about them that they want to check on mum and baby and show support - if any help is needed etc. I’m sure if the days and weeks went by and no one bothered that you’d be on these boards saying you feel no one cares. I’m assuming relatives are welcome if bearing cards and gifts or should these be left on your doorstep?

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 17:27

Livelovebehappy

Exactly. I wonder if some people (not necessarily the OP but who knows) enjoy the feeling of keeping people who care very much at arm’s length? It makes them feel powerful, perhaps?

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 17:28

some people are so anal about the preciousness of birth, most cultures love their immediate close family to see their new baby and would be insulted if they didnt visit

then respect these most cultures wish and let them invite them whoever they want whenever they want
but show the same respect to the others who need some time off.

It's tragic that a woman who wants privacy to recover is called "anal" and "precious" - just who do you think you are to judge how other people handle things? Who do you think you are to try to impose YOUR opinion on other people?

Bigregrets19 · 04/10/2019 17:30

My inlaws and parents are treated the same.. They are All the dcs GPs...

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 17:31

’ve visited close family after they’ve given birth thinking that they would be happy that people care enough about them that they want to check on mum and baby and show support

ever heard of a phone? Whatsapp? Text? Call?
Do you really need to intrude to show support?

enjoy the feeling of keeping people who care very much at arm’s length? It makes them feel powerful, perhaps?
Have you got so little respect and sympathy that you need to be so ridiculously unpleasant? Or are you miffed to realise that you might not be the most important thing for a new mother, who would rather concentrate on her baby and herself?

The lack of respect and compassion towards others is disgusting.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 17:34

Have you got so little respect and sympathy that you need to be so ridiculously unpleasant? Or are you miffed to realise that you might not be the most important thing for a new mother, who would rather concentrate on her baby and herself?

😂 I’m not “miffed” about anything. I think some new parents behave like this and I said so. They can behave how they like, it doesn’t bother me either way. Babies are nice, but I’d rather have a hot bath.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 17:36

I think some new parents behave like this and I said so. Hmm

yes, because that's exactly what new parent have in mind, after hours of labour and a delivery, the only thing they have in mind is a power struggle with the in-laws.

jeez, some posters do need their own little drama don't they.

sleepylittlebunnies · 04/10/2019 17:37

I do get it and I think it depends if PIL just want to see the baby or whether they show any interest for what the mothers been through. Your own mother is concerned for your safety and emotional wellbeing. Not saying this is the case for all in laws or parents.

I was induced for preeclampsia with DC1, laboured through the night, gave birth early morning, a ton of stitches then awake all day. PIL visited in the evening in hospital, I was knackered been awake 36 hours. They brought nan in law too and passed my sleeping baby between them for the whole 2 hours taking photos of each other and getting me to take a pic of them with DC and them with DH and DC. Not one photo of me with DC as I didn’t get to hold him. I was so upset, hormonal probably, tired, uncomfortable and desperate to have my baby back but when I asked was told they’d be going soon and I’d have him to myself after.

I was still glad they’d visited in hospital and got it over with. We went home the next day and they turned up unannounced that evening. Told me to stick the kettle on and repeated the previous visit telling me they’d see us the following night. They are nice people who I get on well with but they were very excited and became quite selfish through it. We went from seeing them once a week/fortnight to every evening for 2 hours after they’d both finished work at 8. It’s a different relationship to the one I have with my own parents who would actually help, showed concern for me and not hog the baby and who I could jokingly tell them to bugger off and they’d get it. I didn’t wish to offend PIL but DH was happy to let them take over.

It was easier with DC2, they visited in hospital then waited till the weekend as I told them I didn’t want DC1 having his bedtime routine interrupted and I didn’t feel bombarded. DC3 the same and we all get on very well now.

sleepylittlebunnies · 04/10/2019 17:38

Oh wow, that was long but therapeutic lol.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 17:39

@Livelovebehappy if we’ve agreed a time to visit then of course any gifts would be welcome, although I’d be just as happy to see loved ones without them. However anyone who thinks it’s ok to just turn up at someone’s house in they days after they’ve had a baby is being selfish and thoughtless.

OP posts:
anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 17:39

sleepylittlebunnies
you sound lovely and your inlaws are really lucky to have you. Other people wouldn't have been as understanding and pleasant as you have been.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 17:49

anyoneseenmykeys

I don’t have a rose-tinted view of a person’s underlying motivations on the sole basis that they have just had a baby. Some people are jerks. That’s not debatable, really.

elliejjtiny · 04/10/2019 17:54

I think it depends what they are like. Having people visit who bring presents/cake, make you some tea etc is fine. People who expect you to host, tell you that you still look pregnant and don't give the baby back when asked are best avoided. I don't think it matters who the visitors are, it's what they do that counts.

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 17:54

MakingABoobOfIt I do agree they can’t just show up they should arrange a suitable
Time for you. But it’s the middle ground of completely not wanting to see anyone or doing things moderately. :S

I’d say things should take into consideration the mother first and foremost.. but that doesn’t mean that doesn’t mean say , that the mum requests no one sees the baby until her stitches recover in like 3 weeks!?

I think that’s unnecesary. Unless they have a history of put downs and abuse and you’re feeling vulnerable then I’d say well deserved. But if it’s non of that I think it’s a bit cruel.

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2019 17:55

I think there's a massive difference between random friends visiting and your kid's grandparents visiting. I can't imagine not 'allowing' DH's parents to visit. Both sets of grandparents cams to the hospital, didn't stay long, but at least got to see DS. Yes my mum cams round more often thereafter but I would never said no to DH's folks. But then I have a good relationship with them and I appreciate not everyone does. If your DH agrees with you then great. It would be harder if he didn't.

Livelovebehappy · 04/10/2019 17:57

makingaboobofit but that’s a bit contradictory - you say you don’t want anyone visiting for a time after baby is born, but then indicate it would be okay if pre-arranged visit. If you meant in your first post that you don’t like unexpected guests, then that’s different and I absolutely agree people shouldn’t just turn up on your doorstep without contacting you first, but your post implied that you didn’t want guests regardless of whether expected or not.

anyoneseenmykeys texting or WhatsApp is distant, cold, and lazy. IMO. Find it bizarre that you think, for example if I was a MIL, and my DS had become a father that it would be okay to just drop a text saying ‘congrats, hope you’re both okay, will drop in to see you next month..’ rather than visit in person??

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 18:02

Find it bizarre that you think, for example if I was a MIL, and my DS had become a father that it would be okay to just drop a text saying ‘congrats, hope you’re both okay, will drop in to see you next month..’ rather than visit in person??

or you could act like a reasonable human being, and state what they should already know by then anyway, that you are very happy for them, to let you know when convenient to visit and if they need anything! You know, just trying to not make it all about YOU and YOU visiting the baby but more about the new family?

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 18:05

I am always speechless that the well-being and wishes of a new mother is still the last thing on some people's mind and that there's still need to argue if she might be unreasonable or not to feel too unwell or not ready for visitors?

I strongly believe in equality between parents, but that would be the only exception, when it's the mum who has just gone through labour!

Why is it so hard to accept that she could decide what is best for her? Puzzling.

ParkheadParadise · 04/10/2019 18:05

When I had Dd2 I was discharged after 6hs. My sister and bil were in the house when we came home. My 4 other siblings and partners, kids and grandchildren followed. My Inlaws also appeared.
It was bittersweet as we'd lost Dd1 2months previous.
It didn't bother me as I could hand Dd2 over for cuddles from the family as I relax and we ended up having a takeaway.

Jeschara · 04/10/2019 18:07

Poster upthread stated she wanted her Father to see the baby 1st, why, surely as Grandparents the MIL should have equal rights with her Father, they are both Grandparents.
I find the attitude above puzzling,I know you do not have your Mother and I am sorry ,but I think this attitude just shows you as demanding and spoilt , having to have YOUR Dad meet the baby first. No wonder your MIL is behaving as she is, probably feels left out. Glad my son and daughter are not hard work like you.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 18:10

@Livelovebehappy not contradictory at all. If someone texted and asked if they could visit, I would say no if I wasn’t ready for visitors. Also, I have a son, and god forbid that I will feel the sense of entitlement that makes me think that I should be his priority when he has a new baby!

OP posts: