Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 15 16

Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA

OP posts:

Original poster

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 16:19

@SunflowersNKittens I can totally relate to this.

OP posts:

shellysheridan · 04/10/2019 16:20

Yes they should be treated as equally as possible. The 'as possible' aspect takes into account that each situation is different.

I'm closer to my mum than mil but when the grandchildren came along, as they were both reasonable people who love their family, I tried to be as fair as possible, for my child's sake

Quail15 · 04/10/2019 16:22

No one has a right to visit however after 4 years of fertility treatment and a horrific labour ( which ment several days spent in intensive care) I was desperate to finally show off my dd. I wanted as many people to come to see her in the hospital as possible because I didn't want to have to entertain people when I got home.

My mil spent the day after DD was born cleaning/tidying my house so I wouldn't have to do anything when I got home from hospital. I would say I'm equally close to my mother and my mil. My mil has better awareness of boundaries than my own mother so she is easier to get on with.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:22

entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel.

of course YANBU
There is a stupid and ridiculous attitude about being entitled to a "cuddle"
It's not your child, you had your turn, the only acceptable thing to do is WAIT until the new parents are comfortable to have visitors - could be the same day, could be a week, could be 2. Why do some visitors think their wish tramps the welfare of a new mother! This horrible attitude is completely beyond me.

I personally prefers to have visitors in hospital and peace and quiet at home. Hospitals are boring, have visiting hours, you don't have to clean and tidy, offer cup of teas to visitors. Perfect time and place to get visitors out of the way.

I completely understand others have very different choices, it should be up to them.

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/10/2019 16:24

maternal grandmothers generally want to help and care for the new mum as well as the baby, and aren't generally treating the baby like a new doll/loading up on ammunition for gossip about how the woman with the third degree tear had a messy kitchen. Actually, paternal grandmothers also "generally want to help and care for the new mum as well as the baby, and aren't generally treating the baby like a new doll/loading up on ammunition for gossip about how the woman with the third degree tear had a messy kitchen". That's what decent people do. And most people are decent.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:24

Do people really cannot comprehend why a woman would be a lot more uncomfortable with in-laws than her own mum - and dad - when she is bleeding, is trying to establish breastfeeding and is feeling like crap? Really? Just try harder...

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/10/2019 16:27

It's not your child, you had your turn Oh, I do hate this phrase. It makes it sound as if having a baby, bringing up a child, is on a par with acquiring a new toy, entirely for your own amusement (and perhaps you husband's).

nuggles · 04/10/2019 16:28

This!

PS my mil was acting like my first born was hers and she'd just given birth. So totally with you OP

Original poster

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 16:28

@anyoneseenmykeys absolutely this! Sitting in a room with my in-laws, balancing on one bum cheek so I didn’t make my piles/stitches more sore, and discreetly trying to latch baby on without showing too much boob is not a happy memory! And to those saying you are more chilled out with your second? Nope, I know I can say ‘no’ now, and I won’t feel obliged to have visitors when I’m not ready!

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/10/2019 16:29

That other thread has gone!

HJWT · 04/10/2019 16:29

@MakingABoobOfIt I cant stand my MIL, she has been a bitch since the day I got with DH and has always caused problems, We don't speak to her anymore because she flipped one night when I wouldn't drive a 10 hour round trip with a 1YO to pick her up and I had enough.

And even though she went psycho at DH for not telling her until after DD was born whilst I was having my life saved, I still allowed her to see her GC the day after I got home, I don't see why DIL have to be so bitchy, you can't let her round for an hour then go to your room with baby??, think about the fact you may have a son one day who may marry a woman that wants him to totally shut you of...

Unless MIL's do something to actually offend you or be nasty towards you then there is just no need for this "your not seeing MY baby till I say so and that is 2 weeks!" An hour won't kill you when your home and settled its just nastiness.

Original poster

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 16:29

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz yep, MN deleted is as it was fake apparently.

OP posts:

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:29

Oh, I do hate this phrase
too bad, it means exactly the opposite. It's a new human being, who is solely the responsibility of his mother and father, not a new puppy for relatives to play with because they want to be the "firsts" to take a selfie with.

The fact that people focus on the BABY and not the new mother is a massive clue.

Hesafriendfromwork · 04/10/2019 16:30

I can also comprehend that my husband had a child too and wanted his parents to meet the baby as well. He was excited as I was when my parents met our baby.

I can out myself put for 20 mins. Even after giving birth. Didnr have to make a cuppa, dh did it. Let them hold the baby. That's it. Done.

But then expect my pils and parents to both view our child as an equal part of both families.

Maybe you need to try harder to see other points of view. That if you start excluding your in laws, then you cant blame them for not feeling as big a part of the childs life.

Original poster

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 16:31

@HJWT asking visitors to wait until you are physically and emotionally ready to see them is not ‘being bitchy’ I’m too old for doing things out of politeness any more!

OP posts:

Wiaa · 04/10/2019 16:31

I think you're forgetting that your parents are inlaws too!!! It's up to you both when you except visitors but I don't see why your parents have priority. My in-laws didn't come to the hospital as they had my son but they came round most days for the first few weeks helped tidy clean ect took my 3yr old out. Yabvvu

Original poster

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 16:34

@Wiaa because I’m 100% comfortable in front of my parents - which is really important in the early days of stitches/bleeding/breastfeeding/ exhaustion! The same cannot be said for my in-laws. My DH would prioritise my feelings over his own, given that I’d just given birth.

OP posts:

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:36

I can also comprehend that my husband had a child too and wanted his parents to meet the baby as well. He was excited as I was when my parents met our baby.

thankfully I seem to have marry a man who could understand that giving birth is a massive deal and who respects me enough to wait for me to be comfortable.
If People think waiting a week is "excluding" them and they won't have a relationship with the child they are obviously not that interested anyway!

Someone might want their MIL as a birth partner, that's fine, someone else wants a few days of rest before being ready for visitors. That's fine too. Why do we insist on denying the basic respect to a new mum?

Instead of focusing on blue and pink discrimination, we should focus on how we treat new mothers first. That would be a giant step.

HJWT · 04/10/2019 16:38

@MakingABoobOfIt I understand that, but making MIL wait days and days is just nasty even if you tell DH half an hour and then ship them of. If your DH isn't even close to his mum then fair enough but some women just do it to be in control of their husband and his mum

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:40

but making MIL wait days and days is just nasty

why? Would you impose visitors on someone who just comes out of the operating theatre?

What difference does it actually make to MIL if the baby is 3 hours old or 3 days old? Absolutely none, but the mum will benefit from these 3 days if she wants them. Why the need to see a baby as quickly as possible? What a weird and useless competition.

raspberryk · 04/10/2019 16:41

Yes YABU , I went directly from the hospital to the in laws where everyone then came to visit.
I visited my grandparents on day 1 pp, had people bring me lunch and visit in the week and went and visited anyone else the following weekend.
With no 2 I was on the school run 1 day pp everyone came over as and when, everyone in my life knows exactly where the kettle is and I'd be happy to ask for help if it was needed. Most of the time I was happy to hand the baby over so I could have a pee and drink my coffee hot!

CrazyPineapple · 04/10/2019 16:43

Isn't this a thread about a thread?

Hesafriendfromwork · 04/10/2019 16:43

thankfully I seem to have marry a man who could understand that giving birth is a massive deal and who respects me enough to wait for me to be comfortable.

@anyoneseenmykeys where did I say my dh didnt do that. I was happy, to let them come. Because my child is a part of their family too.

I also recognise that my parents are his in laws. I genuinely didnt mind. As I said, I was happy. Excluding his parents for a week would nor have made me happy.

phoenixrosehere · 04/10/2019 16:46

It’s like the difference between introverts and extroverts.

I’m a private person and one of those who just wants to get on with things. My experience with my first was traumatic due to the poor care I received . I didn’t want anyone near me or our son.

My in-laws came down to stay a few days later and I just wanted them gone. I plastered a smile on my face and handed him over to them while every part of me wanted to keep him in my arms and hide us away in our bedroom where I could rest and nurse in peace. They took him out so I could rest and I couldn’t. I started cleaning and staring at the clock every minute until they brought him back. I felt like I was suffocating when they were around. My husband was also traumatised and regretted having them down. We both didn’t relax until they left. When my mum turned up five weeks afterwards we were in a much better place.

Once we were pregnant with our second, we talked about it and decided no one was allowed to stay or visit for the first two weeks. I had an amazing experience with the second and it was absolute bliss not having any visitors or guests. It also worked out well because I had lost more blood than they thought needing 5/6 iron transfusions so spent most of those two weeks at the hospital with baby next to me for 2 hours on top of baby’s appointments and my own to check my stitches. My mum came after the two weeks and I still had an iron transfusion left. My youngest got lots of cuddles from the lovely NHS staff.

I don’t mind guests and visitors, but after birth and while I’m healing, leave us be unless told otherwise.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/10/2019 16:47

@MakingABoobofit I know he will, which is why I am leading by example and showing him that it is perfectly possible to have a good and healthy relationship with the man's family too and everything doesn't have to automatically be geared towards the mum's family.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 15 16