To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

[MakingABoobOfIt]

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA

Haven't read the thread, but I'd recommend a 'babymoon' where you explain ahead of time that for the first week after birth you will not be having visitors till you are back on your feet. We did this and it was SUCH a relief. I spent about 2 days crying (due to hormones adjusting I think) and it would have been SO hard to put on a happy face to visitors then. (I was happy btw, Jude didn't look it 😁)

In hospital MIL arrived, ignored me, walked straight over to the baby and said 'oh you'll get that a lot now. No one will notice you.' Lovely! 😁

Havent read the full thread but wanted to say, though it is up to the parents completely, I have never understood parents who don't wish to share their joy with friends and family

You have been given a wonderful gift. your loved ones want to welcome your child into their hearts. why would you want you stomp all over that by saying, a week from Thursday only, between 2.00 an 2.15, remember to bring gifts and leave shoes at the door.
Or words to that effect
By the time YOU are ready to celebrate they may no longer be interested.
It is a shame to set limits on love. Only I can love him. You have prove yourself worthy of loving him. You can only love him on a wet Tuesday etc etc
I prefer the village model where the whole community celebrates your joy. That does not take away from you. It makes it more special imo
Up to you though

By the time YOU are ready to celebrate they may no longer be interested. - really?! So if people wait a few days while you recover, that's it?? No interest? How utterly bizarre!!

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

Of course YABU to “wonder” this.

Different people do things differently. It’s really very simple.

Why is stating a day and time it is convenient for you to have visitors "stomping" on the hearts of family?

Are people's previous loving and joyful feelings really so tenuous and delicate that they can't cope with being given visiting times?

It really does sound that anything other than immediate, completely unrestricted access whenever you feel like it is considered cold and unloving by some posters.

My mum will be at the birth.. again.
Then my dad will probably pop over the day after and if my mum has stayed they will leave together..

My PIL will be invited around when I feel up to it.
They drain me, always say inappropriate comments, don't "help", make more mess&noise than my kids.... so yeah, when they're invited they can see the new baby that I'm due to have in a few months. The same when I had my last.
My OH agrees... he's the 1st to say they can come over when we're settled etc. (Thwyre separated and can't stand each other so it's 2 separate visits)

They don't know how to stay a couple hours it's all day until stupid o'clock at night or they ask at night if they can stay.

My mum and my MIL are so different.
My mil was over today and had me crying within 40 mins of being here and pissed off my oh with her comments.. so no, I don't want that around me when I'm shattered with a new baby.

Everyone's relationships are different with their pil though 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Horehound same! Lol
I had a nightmare the last 2 times with breast feeding and the pain in my breasts and the leaking.. oooh the continuous leaking! My breasts were out for a few days ... either being pumped, rubbed, hot water soaked on them to drain them because of the pain or breast feeding!

I have never understood parents who don't wish to share their joy with friends and family

why can't you understand that they wish to recover and be physically and mentally ready to receive guests? The baby is not going anywhere.

Since when do newborn sleep at night btw?
The morning, or afternoon, or evening inconsiderate visitors find it convenient for them to have one of these damn "cuddles" might be the only uninterrupted hours the baby sleep - and the parents can sleep too!

How rude and inconsiderate to feel someone right to be the first to see the baby trumps the need of the parents, more importantly of the woman who has just gone through labour and birth.

if people did care, they would understand. As they don't, that's why they are not welcome. Simple.

It’s because this rule always applies to the in laws. I totally understand that the mum may not be up to visitors. In which case go have a sleep at let them come round for an hour with ur dh! You don’t have to be there u know! It’s so nice to see your own mum meet the baby first time why deny your dh the same?

Usually when anyone suggests that the mother has a rest upstairs while the father introduces the baby to his parents, there are howls of why should she be banished from her own living room/babies should not be apart from their mothers for microsecond/the farther should be focussing every scrap of attention on her not his mother (always mother, never father)/ she won’t be able to trust him to do the necessary pre visit deep clean/how dare the want to see the baby not her do they think she’s just a vessel/other piece of random bonkersness...

My current plan for my very judgemental in laws are as follows:

I have freezer meals ready for the visit and vouchers. In case we need to order food.

I have already deep cleaned during pregnancy and trying not to do anything sophisticated that causes more mess.

I have a budget to hire a cleaner before they’re here. That won’t work if they don’t give me notice. This will be paid by DH unless he is willing to do a good job which doesn’t incite drama.

I have an outfit ready just for their visits.. lol! For me, and baby, and toddler.

As far as my parenting is concerned, Im still working out how to be emotionally resilient so their undermining comments and boundary pushing doesn’t wear me down..

I actually booked counselling sessions around the time they will be here so I make sure I have some support...

And some couple counselling. For when I need to have a massive go at DH for not being a team and not sticking to agreed boundaries.. because I know he will find that difficult.

As you can see I’m going out of the way to facilitate for them to be able to see their grandchild without it affecting me. But it sounds like anything but pleasant.

But... deep down, Im just wondering how I will be able to focus on my baby with that much attention on them and me feeling this vulnerable!

So Naaaah, they’re not going to be treated same as my own family.. simply because they don’t treat me the same way they treat their daughter. If they did, I would’ve too.

I did treat them same as my family and better and they proved it wasn’t the right thing to do.

@mrsnotnice, I’m so sorry that’s your reality

For me, I couldn’t sleep while my husband introduced the babies because my inlaws would have kicked off on how rude I was

But you know, they also came over on our first night home to “drop off food”. They stayed for Three hours and ate the food.

FIL was sick

I spent two hours upstairs trying to nurse and couldn’t stop crying.

It was horrible.

dh just sat there shell shocked unable to understand why his parents wouldn’t leave

I am pregnant would definitely prefer my mil over my mum at home as she quietly gets on with it and takes care of me too - when she’s here the kitchen belongs to her and she’ll keep me supplied. She’s also breastfed before and so would know what to do to help latching etc. Unfortunately she isn’t well so won’t be able to come over until after the baby is 7 months old if at all.

I really cannot see what all the fuss is about. I have a good relationship with daughter and in law. The visitation to the newborns took a natural course. I went there to visit the baby, the Mother and my son and daughter.
No fuss about who had to be there first, and no being made to feel second best as an in law, which is exactly what we are not outlaws.
When did Mothers become so controlling and when did in laws become so un reasonable. Only in Mumsnet. Most people do the birthing process without fuss, parents and in laws visit no problem.

@LovePoppy

Wow.

I just wished my in-laws had stayed in a hotel than stay with us. I hadn’t known or expected they were coming down so soon after and then to stay with us for almost a week was uncomfortable. I usually get on with them, but I was nowhere emotionally, mentally, or physically in a place to have people staying with us for that long. Having them around all day, having to walk upstairs to our bedroom so I could nurse in privacy, having to share our only bathroom with two extra adults knowing I won’t just be two minutes in and out. Husband was even counting the days they were to leave. It was nice to have our house back after they had gone. We both felt so much better afterwards.

That sounds miserable pheonixrosehere.

Even the best relationships can be strained when a baby is born.

I wonder if all the people happy to have/be company are extroverts, and those of us who need privacy are introverts.

It would certainly explain the clash of expectations

@LovePoppy

I said the same thing down thread. I’m an extrovert outside of home, but when I’m at home, I’m recharging my batteries and wanting to be left alone, even more so when I’m in pain. That doesn’t change because I have a baby. I would have gone out with baby everyday for people to see him while on painkillers than have guests (even family) staying overnight got days on end that soon after birth.

I’m sorry, I must have missed where you said that.

Others expectations are so hard

@LovePoppy

No worries, think it was on one of the first five pages.. :-)

It’s not right or wrong, it just depends on the people and their culture and even then what you may feel before birth may be completely different after birth. Every mums’ different and they should be free to change their mind without being assumed as controlling or “precious”.

Think everyone is different I like to have visitors and expect them this time as long as they don't overstay then I'm fine with it.

People might want people to come over because they like them

Which isn't terribly unusual ime

Exactly @phoenixrosehere

I hated being labeled as controlling and precious for daring to have feelings

@Babyg1995 I think part of the problem is that people have different expectations of what overstay means.

To me, is anything longer than 30 minutes. But I know that’s not the same for a lot of people who wanted to visit me

I wanted everyone to meet my babies in hospital. I wasn't so keen on homevisits, but since the midwives come every day for 10 days anyhow, it wasn't like I didn't have to be ready for visitors anyway. I'm an introveet who doesn't ever really like guests or socialising, but I don't understand not wanting to introduce a new baby to loved ones as soon as possible. I find the whole "we just want time to ourselves for a month or so so to really bond with our baby" people so irritating.